My Night
So today, I woke up around 10am to go to work at Bennucci's. That's all fine and great. I told Jill I'd like to work a double today to make as much money as I can before I leave for Aruba... I was there for 10.73 fuckin hours. Kelli was there for about 6. I made $53. She managed $69. Not a huge deal. Lunch was slow. Between lunch and dinner, no one came in. To the point where I literally sat down and watched TV. I've had a disappointing semester... like you would not believe. I'm so pissed right now.
Then, to take the cake, although it wasn't intended to, I receive a text message. Jess made over $100.... She only worked dinner. I hate my fuckin life situation right now. I can't make money. I can't pass classes. I can't even make plans for my last night in town until after Christmas. I don't even know if I feel like going out. I kinda feel like getting wasted by myself and just hanging out alone. Part of me is so pissed about today. I should have been packing. I should have been cleaning out my car. I should have been cleaning our apartment so I don't come home to filth. Did I? Of course not. I tried to make spending money for my vacation and I failed.
Part of me is so mad, I just want to destroy things. I want to punch and break shit. But that won't solve anything. It'll just cost me more when I have to replace things. Part of me is so sad at how long and awful my day was. I just want to sit alone and cry all night. Part of me is so disappointed in myself and in others that I feel disgusted. It almost makes me want to throw up.
I don't eat right, or much at all generally. I feel really hungry and I start to eat, and then I feel so full that I'm bloated. I don't sleep much most of the time. I'm gaining weight. I've spent most of the last three months not sober. I just need a vacation. Time to sit. Time to dream. Time to think.
A week in Aruba is going to be the best thing that could happen to me right now. The worst part will be returning to this shithole I call a life. I'm torn in so many different directions right now. I really only meant to post about my waitressing night. But, if feels kinda good to talk to someone right now, even though this isn't an actual conversation.
Then, to take the cake, although it wasn't intended to, I receive a text message. Jess made over $100.... She only worked dinner. I hate my fuckin life situation right now. I can't make money. I can't pass classes. I can't even make plans for my last night in town until after Christmas. I don't even know if I feel like going out. I kinda feel like getting wasted by myself and just hanging out alone. Part of me is so pissed about today. I should have been packing. I should have been cleaning out my car. I should have been cleaning our apartment so I don't come home to filth. Did I? Of course not. I tried to make spending money for my vacation and I failed.
Part of me is so mad, I just want to destroy things. I want to punch and break shit. But that won't solve anything. It'll just cost me more when I have to replace things. Part of me is so sad at how long and awful my day was. I just want to sit alone and cry all night. Part of me is so disappointed in myself and in others that I feel disgusted. It almost makes me want to throw up.
I don't eat right, or much at all generally. I feel really hungry and I start to eat, and then I feel so full that I'm bloated. I don't sleep much most of the time. I'm gaining weight. I've spent most of the last three months not sober. I just need a vacation. Time to sit. Time to dream. Time to think.
A week in Aruba is going to be the best thing that could happen to me right now. The worst part will be returning to this shithole I call a life. I'm torn in so many different directions right now. I really only meant to post about my waitressing night. But, if feels kinda good to talk to someone right now, even though this isn't an actual conversation.