Promiscuity
It feels as if I have liked, and therefore been attracted to, far too many men in my time. And I know, I've been attracted to far fewer than the vast majority of gay teenagers- and even though I am far more reserved than most of the vivacious, stereotypical men, I feel that I have to mention the fact that I've also been attracted to far less men than the dark and brooding people to whom I'm generally attracted have been attracted to (for example, allow me to cite David and his ever-changing love interest).
Logic, however, isn't going to be overcoming this any time soon; I feel like a whore. I've only been 'out' for just over four years (Four years? How short a time that seems compared to just how long I've actually suffered from this 'heinous affliction,' along with the slings and arrows that humanity seems absolutely intent on forcing to accompany 'my problem'! To think, other men- average men, 'normal' men- would have had practically two decades to troll for pussy by this time!), and I've only been in one relationship that lasted for more than a month (which itself surely had a hand in sculpting my whoreish self-image; I mean, honestly, giving someone a blowjob in a high-school bathroom, one most of the floor of which is covered in overflowed toilet water nonetheless? Eww), but with Dan, Chris, Mike, Rob, David, Gucci, Ryan, other Dan, John, Travis, and the not-my-brother Brian who I've been attracted to over the years (four of whom are straight, and that's not including the "I'm not out yet, so my mind is going to take every male in my class and sexualize him so as to torment me into a mental breakdown wherein I blurt out my secret" attractions), I can't help but feel like a whore.
Sure, I was only in the company of four of the gay ones (Dan, David, Ryan and Travis), and sure, I only ever kissed two of them (David and Ryan), and I only ever had any form of sex with one of them (Ryan), but that doesn't mean my over-analytical mind can't make a mountain out of a molehill, attempt to convince me that my enforced singularity which has been ongoing for almost three years now is the right way to go about waiting for Mister Right, and that somehow he'll be able to break through the years of walls and blockades that I'm building up*...
I know that I need to take my chances in the Real World. I can't keep myself locked away in this cocoon, refusing anyone access to the inner sanctums of my mind. But like I've said before, if there's a chink in the armor of my mind, it is not susceptible to logic; that would be like trying to kill a dragon with a toothpick.
*Recent thought and divining has actually seen that it's more likely for someone from my past who entrenched himself before the walls were built to appear and clear the way for future attempts. How this will happen, when it will happen, and if the person in question will even realize that he's supposed to do it, I do not know; all I know is that it seems the most likely ending to the epic saga that is my amazing lack of a love life.
Logic, however, isn't going to be overcoming this any time soon; I feel like a whore. I've only been 'out' for just over four years (Four years? How short a time that seems compared to just how long I've actually suffered from this 'heinous affliction,' along with the slings and arrows that humanity seems absolutely intent on forcing to accompany 'my problem'! To think, other men- average men, 'normal' men- would have had practically two decades to troll for pussy by this time!), and I've only been in one relationship that lasted for more than a month (which itself surely had a hand in sculpting my whoreish self-image; I mean, honestly, giving someone a blowjob in a high-school bathroom, one most of the floor of which is covered in overflowed toilet water nonetheless? Eww), but with Dan, Chris, Mike, Rob, David, Gucci, Ryan, other Dan, John, Travis, and the not-my-brother Brian who I've been attracted to over the years (four of whom are straight, and that's not including the "I'm not out yet, so my mind is going to take every male in my class and sexualize him so as to torment me into a mental breakdown wherein I blurt out my secret" attractions), I can't help but feel like a whore.
Sure, I was only in the company of four of the gay ones (Dan, David, Ryan and Travis), and sure, I only ever kissed two of them (David and Ryan), and I only ever had any form of sex with one of them (Ryan), but that doesn't mean my over-analytical mind can't make a mountain out of a molehill, attempt to convince me that my enforced singularity which has been ongoing for almost three years now is the right way to go about waiting for Mister Right, and that somehow he'll be able to break through the years of walls and blockades that I'm building up*...
I know that I need to take my chances in the Real World. I can't keep myself locked away in this cocoon, refusing anyone access to the inner sanctums of my mind. But like I've said before, if there's a chink in the armor of my mind, it is not susceptible to logic; that would be like trying to kill a dragon with a toothpick.
*Recent thought and divining has actually seen that it's more likely for someone from my past who entrenched himself before the walls were built to appear and clear the way for future attempts. How this will happen, when it will happen, and if the person in question will even realize that he's supposed to do it, I do not know; all I know is that it seems the most likely ending to the epic saga that is my amazing lack of a love life.