Would the real God or Goddess please step forward!!
Would the real God or Goddess please step forward!!
29 September 2013
This is a post I never envisioned writing much less posting. It is a brisk Sunday morning with a dampness in the air and leaves turning and drifting down to the earth. I am sitting out back watching my grandson play when usually I would be immersed in worship and fellowship with my brothers and sisters. I hate hypocrisy and false airs in people and as such have chosen not to attend and put on any “happy masks”. This is a story 63 years in the making and unraveling os I may wander a bit but, at least to me, it is all critical to my present place on my journey. Parts of this may offend the readers but not nearly to the level they offended me.
Tristan Dean is an inspiration to me. At 2 ½ years old He explores his world with wide-eyed wonder and no sense of shame or guilt or condemnation. So far he is free of all the tentacles that the adult world is filled with. We are always hearing of people being a product of their environment andst least for now he lives in a world of unconditional love and acceptance. There are rules in his life but they are there to help him be free to grow and experience life to the fullness without bringing harm on himself or others. He is just the way his Creator fashioned him to be.
Now as John Wayne once said “On to the rat killing”. I started therapy a month ago in an attempt to find myself in the middle of all the actions and reactions I had become and honestly to learn how to cry again. The results to this point of it all takes me right back to the title of this post. Product of my environment? Chip off the old block? Or maybe black sheep? All reflect a very sad lifetime declaration for anyone but is usually a very safe statement. I was born into a Catholic family but that is only incidental to my issues as my journey has taken mr through most denominations and movements. I was introduced to a very uninterested and judgemental God with a scorecard designed to condemn us into submission to His so called authorized spokesmen in fear of damnation. I was forbidden to date protestant girls because they were going to hell, I couldn’t eat meat on Fridays or I would be joining them there, The list goes on and it is not exclusive to Catholicism. We are either honored or reviled based on our ability to conform to the latest doctrinal belief made gospel by flawed men in their ivory towers. I bought in to the system hook, line and sinker. I even taught others to embrace it. That has become one of my deepest regrets. Five years ago my whole lifetime of supportive friends and family chose to embrace all the religious garbage and lies they had been immersed in over one of their own simply because I finally chose to quit living a lie. They spouted platitudes about being caught in deception, demon seed from hell and rejected by God. They not only passed judgment then but have continued to this day. They base all of this hatred on teachings supposedly gleaned from an over two thousand year old book that has more translations and revisions than most operating systems on our computers. For five tears I have walked under their condemnation from the vindictive god they have fashioned and have accepted it as truth primarily because of a lifetime of brainwashing and manipulation. Supposedly I was born blessed and highly favored up until the day I questioned all the false doctrines men were perpetuating and using to control those around them. If their god is the true one then I pass, I have no desire to serve it.
30 September 2013
It has been 24 hours since I penned the above entry. Since that point I basically had an emotional meltdown and my beloved wife whisked me off to a motel room for the evening to help me breathe a little away from yhe home. She and I laid on the bed and talked for countless hours as she drew all the ppent up hurt and anger out and was just there to listen and support me. She gave me no great pearls of wisdom but her presence spoke volumes. For the first time in weeks I slept peacefully without bad dreams and nightmares. She knew where I was, she had been there herself before. Finally for the first time in memory I was just a little girl snuggled close to someone special and finding a peace from all the raging inside. Got up this morning and stepped outside for a cigarette and coffee and slowly began to get a clearer picture of my own personal beliefs and they are mine alone, not a churches, a denomination or even a group of my peers, it is MINE.
I desperately need to walk in a close personal relationship with my Creator/Parent by whatever name He or She chooses. What I don’t need is a dead manmade religion of any sort, they are doomed to failure eventually because they come from man’s puny wisdom. I don’t need membership in a country club mentality called church which requires a personal relationship to be forfeited in lieu of a concession to embrace the club rules, dogmas, doctrines and etc. I deeply need to be a part of a genuine family with all the warts and stumbling that goes on without people needing to wear masks. I don’t need per se a minister or pastor to tell me what to believe and when to express it as if it wear a cheap play. I do need someone in my life that I can be real and transparent with. I don’t need a certificate on the wall, I need a close friend that will be there in good times and bad. I don’t need to memorize countless recitation which try to pass off as liturgical worship, what I need is a place where I am free to step into the Holy of Holies and commune with my Creator. I don’t need to have my name in a church directory but what I desire is a group of true and faithful friends that are real instead of ones that spout the judgmental wisdom they say is from God. Ultimately I need Life which comes from the Creator alone and not the restricting and manipulative scorecards for holiness men try to replace it with. The God or Goddess that I have known my whole life has brought me , finally, to a place of personal clarity and understanding of who and whose I am. I refuse to be labeled by any denomination or even the blanket covering of the word Christian. It has been used for far to long as a tool to ruin peoples lives and to cause them to come under submission to a mortal man or woman. The commands records that “ I am the lord thy God you shall not have strange gods before Me”. Look around at the established and even the new denominations and groups of religious believers and tell me, if you can, that the vast majority of them do not qualify as false gods. I honestly believe you would have a very hard time disputing the evidence. My Creator has endowed me, for whatever reason, with tools and gifts to help[ others in their own journey but they do not make me someone special they just mean I have been given the opportunity to minister light in dark situations and nothing more and if I never get to use them again then I am thankful for the past. I will not and cannot compromise my future bu clinging to past experiences to create an identity for myself. I probably need to wrap this up before I go beyond the threshing floor. Be Blessed.