Working with Sensory Overload
Every once in a while, I dream about being able to hold a regular 9-to-5 type job. Where I would be able to make a meaningful income, and contribute to our household funds. Maybe something has changed since the last time I tried - I'm diagnosed now, I know more about aspergers and ptsd and I have various coping mechanisms that I didn't have when I was younger and tried to work 'like normal people.' I get the thought that maybe I should try again, surely it wouldn't be too bad, and maybe I'm just exaggerating the problems because it's been so long since I tried...
A few days ago, I had the opportunity to spend an extended period of time in an office environment. Our car, Elwood Elantra, needed some work done - and our mechanic is nice enough to pick it up at Aus's work (because we only have the one car and Aus doesn't drive). I sat in Aus's office while waiting for the car to be ready. Now there are a lot of times I will pick up Aus from work, and lurk for maybe an hour or two in his office while waiting for him to be done. His boss is very nice and doesn't seem to mind me lurking around, perhaps because I am quiet and unintrusive. I play with my Kindle or phone, and just wait out the time.
For the first two hours or so, it went pretty much the same. Aus got me a nice drink of water, and I sat and played with my kindle. I wasn't feeling particularly well, but that was because it was before noon and I never feel entirely right in mornings. Then I had to go to the bathroom, and that was when the trouble started. Stepping out of Aus's office, one can hear the sales floor- where people in cubicles are supposed to be working, but more often than not you can hear them chattering loudly to each other about various things. It's a bit overwhelming. Then I stepped into the small woman's room - and the smells started to get to me.
Not to get TMI, but I have a very keen sense of smell, and when someone is menstruating, there is a very distinct odor of stale blood and hormones no matter how clean the person is. The entire bathroom stank of blood, likely emanating from the trash can. To a normal sense, I'm sure it smelled just fine - it wasn't that the rest room was -dirty understand, it was just that smell. I turned on the fan and that didn't help- just blew the smell around more. This made me feel like I was going to vomit so I hastily finished my business and went back to Aus's office.
Now my senses were on high alert. I heard the hum of the flourecent overhead lights, the whirr of the air conditioner system, the clacking of keyboard and the computer's electrical sounds. Time for lunch came around (about three hours since I'd been there) so Aus took me to wait in the break room while he walked to a nearby Subway to buy us some lunch. One of Aus's co-workers came in, and introduced herself. I tried my best to be social and make small talk, and to remember to stop doing that after a while when she had her food so she could eat. Then Aus's boss came in and ased if Aus had kicked me out so he could have lunch ( a joke, it took me a moment to realize) so I laughed, and then informed him about Aus going to pick up our lunch. I remembered to thank him for allowing me to lurk today and told him about our car being in need of repair.
And fortunately remembered to stop talking so he could eat his sandwich. Oddly enough, the only communication between him and the co-worker (who I later found out was the sales manager) was a nod, before they went to their various lunch eatings. I found myself second guessing my social interactions - had I been too chatty? Are breakrooms like bathrooms where you must try to let the other person conduct their business in silence and not bother them? I was very nervous about having messed this up by the time Aus returned with food.
Food was good, and I talked quietly to Aus as we ate which calmed me down some. He told me about some blackberry bushes he passed, and I wondered if they were ripe for picking and if we might go there for fresh blackberries (after checking of course, to make sure they are the edible type). My stomach was still upset though, and the food was sitting in there like a lead weight.
Back to his office for more waiting, and now my senses are excruciating. The lights are giving me a headache, every noise is dragging on my nerves, and I can't get settled with kindle or phone. I put my headphones in, and I try to just watch a show to get my self involved in something that would keep my brain from overloading. After about six hours, it was the end of the day and we were picked up to go get our car. Then we had to socialize with the car folks and get our business conducted.
When we got home I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I just needed to lie in the dark and after a little bit of food, took a three hour nap. Then when it was time to sleep that night, I slept over ten hours, and woke up still somewhat disoriented.
Conclusion - we all have our skillsets, and working in an office is not within mine. Autism is called a spectrum condition for a reason. Just because some folks with aspergers can work outside the home, doesn't mean all can. Realizing that this is not the kind of environment I can function well in helps me to understand myself better, and to focus on the things I can do. Things I can do from a nice, quiet, apartment with natural light and no one talking.
A few days ago, I had the opportunity to spend an extended period of time in an office environment. Our car, Elwood Elantra, needed some work done - and our mechanic is nice enough to pick it up at Aus's work (because we only have the one car and Aus doesn't drive). I sat in Aus's office while waiting for the car to be ready. Now there are a lot of times I will pick up Aus from work, and lurk for maybe an hour or two in his office while waiting for him to be done. His boss is very nice and doesn't seem to mind me lurking around, perhaps because I am quiet and unintrusive. I play with my Kindle or phone, and just wait out the time.
For the first two hours or so, it went pretty much the same. Aus got me a nice drink of water, and I sat and played with my kindle. I wasn't feeling particularly well, but that was because it was before noon and I never feel entirely right in mornings. Then I had to go to the bathroom, and that was when the trouble started. Stepping out of Aus's office, one can hear the sales floor- where people in cubicles are supposed to be working, but more often than not you can hear them chattering loudly to each other about various things. It's a bit overwhelming. Then I stepped into the small woman's room - and the smells started to get to me.
Not to get TMI, but I have a very keen sense of smell, and when someone is menstruating, there is a very distinct odor of stale blood and hormones no matter how clean the person is. The entire bathroom stank of blood, likely emanating from the trash can. To a normal sense, I'm sure it smelled just fine - it wasn't that the rest room was -dirty understand, it was just that smell. I turned on the fan and that didn't help- just blew the smell around more. This made me feel like I was going to vomit so I hastily finished my business and went back to Aus's office.
Now my senses were on high alert. I heard the hum of the flourecent overhead lights, the whirr of the air conditioner system, the clacking of keyboard and the computer's electrical sounds. Time for lunch came around (about three hours since I'd been there) so Aus took me to wait in the break room while he walked to a nearby Subway to buy us some lunch. One of Aus's co-workers came in, and introduced herself. I tried my best to be social and make small talk, and to remember to stop doing that after a while when she had her food so she could eat. Then Aus's boss came in and ased if Aus had kicked me out so he could have lunch ( a joke, it took me a moment to realize) so I laughed, and then informed him about Aus going to pick up our lunch. I remembered to thank him for allowing me to lurk today and told him about our car being in need of repair.
And fortunately remembered to stop talking so he could eat his sandwich. Oddly enough, the only communication between him and the co-worker (who I later found out was the sales manager) was a nod, before they went to their various lunch eatings. I found myself second guessing my social interactions - had I been too chatty? Are breakrooms like bathrooms where you must try to let the other person conduct their business in silence and not bother them? I was very nervous about having messed this up by the time Aus returned with food.
Food was good, and I talked quietly to Aus as we ate which calmed me down some. He told me about some blackberry bushes he passed, and I wondered if they were ripe for picking and if we might go there for fresh blackberries (after checking of course, to make sure they are the edible type). My stomach was still upset though, and the food was sitting in there like a lead weight.
Back to his office for more waiting, and now my senses are excruciating. The lights are giving me a headache, every noise is dragging on my nerves, and I can't get settled with kindle or phone. I put my headphones in, and I try to just watch a show to get my self involved in something that would keep my brain from overloading. After about six hours, it was the end of the day and we were picked up to go get our car. Then we had to socialize with the car folks and get our business conducted.
When we got home I was so exhausted and overwhelmed I just needed to lie in the dark and after a little bit of food, took a three hour nap. Then when it was time to sleep that night, I slept over ten hours, and woke up still somewhat disoriented.
Conclusion - we all have our skillsets, and working in an office is not within mine. Autism is called a spectrum condition for a reason. Just because some folks with aspergers can work outside the home, doesn't mean all can. Realizing that this is not the kind of environment I can function well in helps me to understand myself better, and to focus on the things I can do. Things I can do from a nice, quiet, apartment with natural light and no one talking.