Something Separate
Jolene's bridal shower was today - I suppose it went well enough, in that it's over now and I didn't die of terminal boredom. I find the older I get, the less able I am to sit socially in a group of strangers, and try to make proper conversations. They had those ridiculous shower games, which I declined to participate in. Instead I watched how everyone seemed to enjoy these things, the laughing in the high shrill voices and the competing for useless trinkets (candles and bath products and so on).
I also watched how they spoke to each other, sharing stories of marriages past, and family members absent. The way they opened up little windows to their lives, talking in vignettes about this incident or that, nothing of real importance but enough to elicit similar stories from the other party goers.
"I haven't watched cartoons since the Pink Panther started to talk. That did it for me." -- best sentence of the day.
I would much prefer watching how conversation is made than make conversation when I am in a group of strangers. I don't think it is so much a sign of introversion, but a need for observation. I like to listen to the natural flow of dialog in various situations - it helps me as a writer when I need to make characters sound natural when speaking.
I did feel a certain loneliness though in knowing I have no friends left in this area with which I can converse, or have the kind of camaraderie Jolene had with her friends. I am also unlikely to make more friends, as much of what I do now is solitary - I don't go to poetry events anymore, I don't have a D&D game anymore, etc. Usually this is okay, but there are sometimes I miss being part of a group.
I did speak to Jolene briefly at least- I told her about the dollhouse, and she told me that she'd seen Rilo Kiley was coming to Philly in September.
The maid of honor wanted to take my picture, and looked nearly psychotically annoyed when I refused. I did not belong to the party, I did not want to be photographed with the party.
I ate a cake with strawberries, which I am allergic to, which at least gave me the opportunity to leave early. A few benadryl, a few hives. Worth it.
My favorite part of the day were the two big cats the mother-in-law had - Felix and Oscar. Felix was large and gray, and Oscar was orange and white, and only slightly smaller. Any day in which you can pet a cat is not entirely wasted.
My mother asked why I didn't just play the games, let my picture be taken. 'Just go with the flow,' she says. 'When in Rome, do like the romans do.' Cliches. I shrug. If she doesn't understand me by now, there is little chance she ever will.
During the shower, one of the conversations had come around to which parent children favored. My mother said that I was like my father, because I was very unlike her. But I disagree. I think I have parts of them inside me, and I've been trying to kill those parts since birth - the same way it took me years to kill the catholic guilt, and the fear of dying. So many things in society too, that I have at times absorbed, fallen victim to. I define myself as something separate, in the hopes that I will someday be.
Aus starts his school tomorrow- the kids start just after labor day. I am the only one not going back to school - I want to learn things too. Maybe I'll take that crochet class I've been thinking of. Or maybe I'll just work on the new story , or some of the articles I'm behind on.
I also watched how they spoke to each other, sharing stories of marriages past, and family members absent. The way they opened up little windows to their lives, talking in vignettes about this incident or that, nothing of real importance but enough to elicit similar stories from the other party goers.
"I haven't watched cartoons since the Pink Panther started to talk. That did it for me." -- best sentence of the day.
I would much prefer watching how conversation is made than make conversation when I am in a group of strangers. I don't think it is so much a sign of introversion, but a need for observation. I like to listen to the natural flow of dialog in various situations - it helps me as a writer when I need to make characters sound natural when speaking.
I did feel a certain loneliness though in knowing I have no friends left in this area with which I can converse, or have the kind of camaraderie Jolene had with her friends. I am also unlikely to make more friends, as much of what I do now is solitary - I don't go to poetry events anymore, I don't have a D&D game anymore, etc. Usually this is okay, but there are sometimes I miss being part of a group.
I did speak to Jolene briefly at least- I told her about the dollhouse, and she told me that she'd seen Rilo Kiley was coming to Philly in September.
The maid of honor wanted to take my picture, and looked nearly psychotically annoyed when I refused. I did not belong to the party, I did not want to be photographed with the party.
I ate a cake with strawberries, which I am allergic to, which at least gave me the opportunity to leave early. A few benadryl, a few hives. Worth it.
My favorite part of the day were the two big cats the mother-in-law had - Felix and Oscar. Felix was large and gray, and Oscar was orange and white, and only slightly smaller. Any day in which you can pet a cat is not entirely wasted.
My mother asked why I didn't just play the games, let my picture be taken. 'Just go with the flow,' she says. 'When in Rome, do like the romans do.' Cliches. I shrug. If she doesn't understand me by now, there is little chance she ever will.
During the shower, one of the conversations had come around to which parent children favored. My mother said that I was like my father, because I was very unlike her. But I disagree. I think I have parts of them inside me, and I've been trying to kill those parts since birth - the same way it took me years to kill the catholic guilt, and the fear of dying. So many things in society too, that I have at times absorbed, fallen victim to. I define myself as something separate, in the hopes that I will someday be.
Aus starts his school tomorrow- the kids start just after labor day. I am the only one not going back to school - I want to learn things too. Maybe I'll take that crochet class I've been thinking of. Or maybe I'll just work on the new story , or some of the articles I'm behind on.