Just Say No to Procreation!
If you don't have kids, do yourself a great big favor right now and don't procreate. Get on the pill, have your tubes tied, snip and clip your 'little friend', tattoo a 'closed for business' sign over your groinal region - whatever you gotta do. Or at least, if you're going to have kids... have one. One is a nice number. One isn't really like having kids - he's got no one to fight with, and if something goes wrong, you know who to blame (unless, of course, you have a dog. Then chances are the kid will point at the dog).
Or if you're going to have more than one kid, space them out a bit. Do not under any circumstances have it so that you'll have more than one teenager living in your house at any given time. Trust me on this one. If I could go back in time and give myself this warning, I would.
Three is never a number teenagers should come in. Remember, there's only one of you - two, if you're lucky enough to have both parents home at all times. They outnumber you. They're devious, hormonally crazed, and out to get you for 'ruining their life'. How did you ruin their life? Well, the answer changes from day to day and can be everything from 'not giving me enough allowance' to 'not buying me a brand new car for my birthday' to 'making me do my homework'.
These past two days alone we've had the following crisises:
Steve and his friend having an argument with the substitute bus driver about their right to get off where they want to get off instead of their assigned stop.
Jeanette deciding to give up computers for lent... including doing any work in her computer class. No matter what teachers, principals, priest, and parents told her about it.
Brenda having 100 dollars worth of extra text messaging on her phone when she let a friend borrow it and that friend texted strange boys all over the country for seven hours straight.
That's in addition to the every day drama of who doesn't want to take out the trash, whose life is being ruined by not having ____ , who is fighting with who over territory/insults/boredom/possessions. It's like a three ring circus, and I'm the ringmaster. Step right up and watch the hormonally challenged next generation battle it out! I should sell popcorn at tickets to anyone brave enough to visit my house.
So remember - spaced out kids okay, one kid good, no kids better. At least as far as your future sanity is concerned.
And if you do have kids close together, enjoy them while they're young. Take as many pictures of their sweet smiling faces as you can - they'll help you not to kill them when puberty hits. Remember that in a decade or so (hopefully), things will balance out. Your kids will be all grown up, and possibly normal again. They'll smile and be happy to see you, and be friends with each other. At least, that's the hope I'm holding out for.
Or if you're going to have more than one kid, space them out a bit. Do not under any circumstances have it so that you'll have more than one teenager living in your house at any given time. Trust me on this one. If I could go back in time and give myself this warning, I would.
Three is never a number teenagers should come in. Remember, there's only one of you - two, if you're lucky enough to have both parents home at all times. They outnumber you. They're devious, hormonally crazed, and out to get you for 'ruining their life'. How did you ruin their life? Well, the answer changes from day to day and can be everything from 'not giving me enough allowance' to 'not buying me a brand new car for my birthday' to 'making me do my homework'.
These past two days alone we've had the following crisises:
Steve and his friend having an argument with the substitute bus driver about their right to get off where they want to get off instead of their assigned stop.
Jeanette deciding to give up computers for lent... including doing any work in her computer class. No matter what teachers, principals, priest, and parents told her about it.
Brenda having 100 dollars worth of extra text messaging on her phone when she let a friend borrow it and that friend texted strange boys all over the country for seven hours straight.
That's in addition to the every day drama of who doesn't want to take out the trash, whose life is being ruined by not having ____ , who is fighting with who over territory/insults/boredom/possessions. It's like a three ring circus, and I'm the ringmaster. Step right up and watch the hormonally challenged next generation battle it out! I should sell popcorn at tickets to anyone brave enough to visit my house.
So remember - spaced out kids okay, one kid good, no kids better. At least as far as your future sanity is concerned.
And if you do have kids close together, enjoy them while they're young. Take as many pictures of their sweet smiling faces as you can - they'll help you not to kill them when puberty hits. Remember that in a decade or so (hopefully), things will balance out. Your kids will be all grown up, and possibly normal again. They'll smile and be happy to see you, and be friends with each other. At least, that's the hope I'm holding out for.