So, how's your day?
I had one of those days where I said "You know, this will make a good story someday", which is generally a sign that I'm trying to rationalize why I shouldn't kill something. You know that saying how there's no such thing as a free lunch? I had a 'free lunch' that I wound up paying for all goddamn day. My mom invited me to go out to the Olive Garden, which sounded like fun and free lunch, so good!)
After I said yes, she tells me "Oh, and we're going with Jolene..." (my niece, who has schizophrenia, and is prone to... uhh.... episodes...) So instead of being sensible and having some last minute excuse, I was thinking with my stomach. "I can put up with this for free lunch," my stomach said. Lying bitch. My niece arrives, and says that she's feeling great today, and she wants to drive. That was Mistake Number Two.So we pile into her car, and everything looks good.. she's talking about her new boyfriend instead of the voices) on the way to lunch and I'm feeling optimistic... Then she starts saying that she's calling him three times a day... and at work... and sitting in his driveway waiting for him to get home from work...and WHY CAN'T HE LOVE ME?! (sob, swerve, sob)
So then we go to lunch - we made it in one piece. And she starts drinking with her lunch whee!) and telling us about all the boys, girls, and everything else she fucked while in California.... My 76 year old mother trying not to choke on her salad. While she says, loudly "I've been a rug-muncher, grandma. I've slept with 'colored boys'." And the server just kinda staring at us. And all the while I'm thinking to myself "Just smile. Someday, this will be a great story."
So we get out the door... and we discover that her tire is flat. "Oh yeah, daddy told me when I got a nail in that I should have it patched. But what does he know? WHAT DOES HE KNOW? He never loved me!" So we call AAA, and we're waiting in the parking lot for them to come and do the whole change the tire thing... and by now, I'm ready to start walking home even though it's like an hour away)... And she starts telling us about her nude modeling. How she gets paid fifty dollars an hour to get naked, like prostitution only without the sex.
And she says this last job these two art girls put her out in their backyard in Manyunk, stretched out on a full length mirror, and they're tying all these fake stuffed crows to her, and putting coins over her eyes... and the tire guy is looking at her like "Well, I can picture you naked..."
and not fixing the tire all that fast anymore, and it's really kind of annoying, especially when she explains that they hang the pictures in galleries because it's art, and if people want to 'masturbate to me, they have to pay 3,500 dollars for the privlidge' because that's what they're selling for.
Then we discover that her spare is rusty. And she's got all this crazy shit in her trunk... toilet paper, knives, religious paraphernalia, rope... So we have to drive on the donut-spare to this guy's shop, only she messes up the directions, and we're heading towards Atlantic City instead So I told her to just head down route 30 towards Hammonton, because I've passed this Lakeside garage there before, and I think they do tires. We get there, she goes in, my mother asks me out of all that crazy stuff that happened all day) in a low low voice "What's a rug muncher, Laura?"
So I get out of the car and there's the innards of some car spilled out all over the front yard of the shop, and I sit down on the front seat of what used to be a car, and I see eyes staring back at me from under a steering column, and there's a cat...And the guy said "Don't mind the cats, because they don't like anyone..." and I was bored and I like animals) so I did the kitty call... expecting to attract cat, singular, but suddenly it's like I'm the goddamn cat whisperer, and I'm covered in like five of them. By the time we get out of there, I've got a cat on my shoulder, one on my lap, two by my legs, and one sitting beside me. And each one of them was greasy, dirty, and kind of attention starved. So I wound up pretty grimy, tired, and halfway between amused and annoyed.
And that was my day.
After I said yes, she tells me "Oh, and we're going with Jolene..." (my niece, who has schizophrenia, and is prone to... uhh.... episodes...) So instead of being sensible and having some last minute excuse, I was thinking with my stomach. "I can put up with this for free lunch," my stomach said. Lying bitch. My niece arrives, and says that she's feeling great today, and she wants to drive. That was Mistake Number Two.So we pile into her car, and everything looks good.. she's talking about her new boyfriend instead of the voices) on the way to lunch and I'm feeling optimistic... Then she starts saying that she's calling him three times a day... and at work... and sitting in his driveway waiting for him to get home from work...and WHY CAN'T HE LOVE ME?! (sob, swerve, sob)
So then we go to lunch - we made it in one piece. And she starts drinking with her lunch whee!) and telling us about all the boys, girls, and everything else she fucked while in California.... My 76 year old mother trying not to choke on her salad. While she says, loudly "I've been a rug-muncher, grandma. I've slept with 'colored boys'." And the server just kinda staring at us. And all the while I'm thinking to myself "Just smile. Someday, this will be a great story."
So we get out the door... and we discover that her tire is flat. "Oh yeah, daddy told me when I got a nail in that I should have it patched. But what does he know? WHAT DOES HE KNOW? He never loved me!" So we call AAA, and we're waiting in the parking lot for them to come and do the whole change the tire thing... and by now, I'm ready to start walking home even though it's like an hour away)... And she starts telling us about her nude modeling. How she gets paid fifty dollars an hour to get naked, like prostitution only without the sex.
And she says this last job these two art girls put her out in their backyard in Manyunk, stretched out on a full length mirror, and they're tying all these fake stuffed crows to her, and putting coins over her eyes... and the tire guy is looking at her like "Well, I can picture you naked..."
and not fixing the tire all that fast anymore, and it's really kind of annoying, especially when she explains that they hang the pictures in galleries because it's art, and if people want to 'masturbate to me, they have to pay 3,500 dollars for the privlidge' because that's what they're selling for.
Then we discover that her spare is rusty. And she's got all this crazy shit in her trunk... toilet paper, knives, religious paraphernalia, rope... So we have to drive on the donut-spare to this guy's shop, only she messes up the directions, and we're heading towards Atlantic City instead So I told her to just head down route 30 towards Hammonton, because I've passed this Lakeside garage there before, and I think they do tires. We get there, she goes in, my mother asks me out of all that crazy stuff that happened all day) in a low low voice "What's a rug muncher, Laura?"
So I get out of the car and there's the innards of some car spilled out all over the front yard of the shop, and I sit down on the front seat of what used to be a car, and I see eyes staring back at me from under a steering column, and there's a cat...And the guy said "Don't mind the cats, because they don't like anyone..." and I was bored and I like animals) so I did the kitty call... expecting to attract cat, singular, but suddenly it's like I'm the goddamn cat whisperer, and I'm covered in like five of them. By the time we get out of there, I've got a cat on my shoulder, one on my lap, two by my legs, and one sitting beside me. And each one of them was greasy, dirty, and kind of attention starved. So I wound up pretty grimy, tired, and halfway between amused and annoyed.
And that was my day.