Hey.
I think I'm gonna come back to livejournal. Blogger is a bit of a hassle.
I just realised that I, and all my friends are finally grown up. We're all going into college, or getting jobs, or even getting married. It just. I know I'm not old, I'm only 18, and as a human, I'm still a kid, really.
But. I dunno, I'm all too aware of time, which probably explains my obsession with clocks, and watches, and having to know the time at all times, and being very worried about punctuality. I'm way too aware, probably, and all I can think of is my mortality and that I'm running out of time. I guess that sounds really silly for someone who's fresh out of high school and has been accepted into her first choice college, but it feels that way because it feels like I'm going no where. I STILL haven't gotten my diploma in the mail, when I was under the impression that if you chose not to walk, this would be the case. And even though my application's been rolled to Winter quarter, I have this feeling that if I'm lucky, I'll cut it close with the fees. I still don't have a job.
I know this is a little selfish, but I'm resentful that I have to start Winter quarter. I mean, yeah, it's awesome that I've been accepted in the first place, and if I get the money in, will be going to Savannah come January, but I really, really, really want to start with everyone else. I feel like I'm being left behind, and I know that once I'm there, I'll be with everyone, but I'll be behind them in learning and bonding. I dunno. It's just really painful and I feel like everyone around me is moving forward and getting what they want and I'm just sitting here floundering. I don't even know if I'll be able to go shopping for dorm supplies, providing I can even pay for getting into that dorm.
I'm constantly reminded that I don't have money. I have to ask my parents for small amounts here and there (and even then I hesitate because we're in serious debt and I feel bad about taking money from them) and whenever I go out with others, they're forced to pay for me when I'm sure they don't want to. That feeling has plagued me lately because I've been going out a lot recently and every time I think to my self, 'Why are you out spending other people's money? If you don't have anything to contribute, you shouldn't leave the house'. Because whenever I'm out, and we go somewhere to eat, I get the feeling that if they don't have to spend money on me, they won't, so when I do order things, I try to pick the cheapest thing on the menu. I feel like a leeching nuisance and I'd much more prefer sitting quietly watching everyone else eat while I sip on my free glass of water over making them spend money on me, no matter how hungry I am. It just feels like I'm using them and wasting their money.
I don't know. I'm just feeling like a selfish loser lately, and I want to apologise to everyone because I've been meaner and grumpier than usual. I don't really mean to, it just happens. My mind is on some sort of defense, and my emotions are flipping from being normal to over-sensitive and my self-esteem has plummeted to new lows. Everything I do, am, feel, draw, has been really shitty and I'm surprised that painting came out as well as it did. Provided, I was in a slightly chipper mood whilst painting.
I'm really, truly sorry for acting so mean lately, and I'm sorry for having to be a charity case all the time.
I just realised that I, and all my friends are finally grown up. We're all going into college, or getting jobs, or even getting married. It just. I know I'm not old, I'm only 18, and as a human, I'm still a kid, really.
But. I dunno, I'm all too aware of time, which probably explains my obsession with clocks, and watches, and having to know the time at all times, and being very worried about punctuality. I'm way too aware, probably, and all I can think of is my mortality and that I'm running out of time. I guess that sounds really silly for someone who's fresh out of high school and has been accepted into her first choice college, but it feels that way because it feels like I'm going no where. I STILL haven't gotten my diploma in the mail, when I was under the impression that if you chose not to walk, this would be the case. And even though my application's been rolled to Winter quarter, I have this feeling that if I'm lucky, I'll cut it close with the fees. I still don't have a job.
I know this is a little selfish, but I'm resentful that I have to start Winter quarter. I mean, yeah, it's awesome that I've been accepted in the first place, and if I get the money in, will be going to Savannah come January, but I really, really, really want to start with everyone else. I feel like I'm being left behind, and I know that once I'm there, I'll be with everyone, but I'll be behind them in learning and bonding. I dunno. It's just really painful and I feel like everyone around me is moving forward and getting what they want and I'm just sitting here floundering. I don't even know if I'll be able to go shopping for dorm supplies, providing I can even pay for getting into that dorm.
I'm constantly reminded that I don't have money. I have to ask my parents for small amounts here and there (and even then I hesitate because we're in serious debt and I feel bad about taking money from them) and whenever I go out with others, they're forced to pay for me when I'm sure they don't want to. That feeling has plagued me lately because I've been going out a lot recently and every time I think to my self, 'Why are you out spending other people's money? If you don't have anything to contribute, you shouldn't leave the house'. Because whenever I'm out, and we go somewhere to eat, I get the feeling that if they don't have to spend money on me, they won't, so when I do order things, I try to pick the cheapest thing on the menu. I feel like a leeching nuisance and I'd much more prefer sitting quietly watching everyone else eat while I sip on my free glass of water over making them spend money on me, no matter how hungry I am. It just feels like I'm using them and wasting their money.
I don't know. I'm just feeling like a selfish loser lately, and I want to apologise to everyone because I've been meaner and grumpier than usual. I don't really mean to, it just happens. My mind is on some sort of defense, and my emotions are flipping from being normal to over-sensitive and my self-esteem has plummeted to new lows. Everything I do, am, feel, draw, has been really shitty and I'm surprised that painting came out as well as it did. Provided, I was in a slightly chipper mood whilst painting.
I'm really, truly sorry for acting so mean lately, and I'm sorry for having to be a charity case all the time.