Fistful of Hollers
What I'm about to talk about is not unique to Gainesville but I see it alot with people down here. Let's start with an example that I overheard today:
sorority girl: (annoyed)"...but I thought it was yesterday..." (said in sorority girl accent, which is always northern. How did that happen?!?)
fratguy boyfriend: "Nahw, it's today." (indignant, also northern-accented)
sg: (clicks teeth in annoyance, chews on gum)
fgbf: " So,"
sg: "Okay, I have class."
fgbf: "Okay."
(The two give a quick cursory cheek peck)
fgbf: (casually) "Love you babe."
(and THIS is what really nails it. "Love you babe", a tossed off phrase lifted
directly out of last decade's TV drama archetypal "tough male". He his filling a
role- the posessor. She too, in responding to this and submitting to his role, is playing a part, a ready-made part. Made by what? That's what we should be asking ourselves.)
sg: "you too." (singsongy, resigned)
AUGHGHGHGHGH. NO CONVICTION. No HEART. And they're calling it LOVE, too. This kind of relationship abounds. It starts mainly in college, I think; high school relationships tend to be crazy-codependent or just plain pure. College relationships get this "healthy", "mature" tone to them. In college a couple
often literally don't need each other but stay together...for what?
Boredom? Okay, I'll buy that.
Fear? Sure, I'll buy that too.
Sex? Obviously. (But what a cowardly way to ensure sexual satisfaction- cut your balls off, and the ovaries of your girl, by playing games and filling roles in teen dramas with no conviction. Emotionally less damaging to sleep around; soul wise less costly (at least more honest) to hire a prostitute.)
But not love.
Being in a town where I don't have a ready-made friend group puts me in a role of spectator, so I notice these things more than I would at home or in DC. But I never suspected that there were so many loveless, accepted relationships in our world. No wonder there are so many fucked up families.
NEVER SETTLE. It's gross and it will destroy your children.
When you think about it, though, you can't blame a lot of people for settling.
They settle out of fear- fear of dying alone, sexually unsatisfied, unloved, and unmissed. Relationships give us immortality. Everything we strive for in life is a reach at immortality. These hollow relationships are people feeling like- perhaps wrongly, perhaps rightly- they've missed the boat for true love and had better take the next ferry out or miss the boat entirely.
A lot of problems in our world come from there being lonely-ass people all over the place, rubbing shoulders with one antoher, afraid to gaze into the face of a potential friend for fear of rejection. Try it sometime, I dare you. Meet the gaze of a stranger and hold it. One of you will break in the first three seconds. I've WORKED at it and I can't get past three. It makes a crowd- a pile of potential friends- a big enemy. And it's not illusory. Those people dont ' WANT to talk to you. Oh they do, and if you're good you can coax it out of them, but what if your'e not good? No hope.
In a lot of other countries this isn't the case. I think it's an American thing. But remember, that America is exporting its culture to the world, and our architecutre, and with our architecutre our concept of the world and how we relate to each other as people. Big box stores and parking lots don't help, do they? Ever been made tofeel warm and cuddly and a part of something close and important to you by a parkling lot?
Is this natural? Is loneliness natural? Is our desire to alleviate loneliness natural? Is what makes us happy necessariliy "natural"?
I don't know any of that, but I know it's not good to live and die alone, and I know a lot of people are doing it. Maybe it's always been this way and maybe it always will be this way, but the better part of my nature doesn't want to believe that. I hope it's right.
Look, maybe this has a lot to do with my own life after Rachel split for Italy. It's only been two weeks and already I feel changes. My behavior with the guy at the door the other night was understandable, sort of, but not very like me and certainly not rational. When confronted with semi-friends I haven't seen in awhile, I find myself stammering awkwardly and babbling off, spewing details about my life that I want someone to care about. I never used to do that, and finding myself apt to do it now makes me understand awkward, neurotic people moree. They want love just like anybody else, they're just so out of practice they don't know what the FUCK to do with another human being.
When Jackie split and I was in the Takoma PArk apartment alone, I was in an apartment buildin,g which is an entirely different feel. If you scream, someone will come down to help you. In a house, you're on your own. Also, in DC I had an established group of trusted and dear friends. In Gainesville, most of the people I really like left about a year ago, and the ones who remain are very busy with their own lives. Even Chuck, one of my best friends, is snowed under with work.
There are so many parts of being down here that are great. The city is super-friendly, there's a lot "going on" with music, my nieghborhood is absolutley brilliant and awesome, my house is perfect and I finally have a place to make noise without bothering anyone, I am spewing forth ramshackle 4-track creations daily. I am isolated enough to produce and produce well. I think a large part of these benefits come from me being alone and that, like me being a spectator of relationships, allows me to see the world in a way that I can't with friends to comfort and distract me.
And it looks like a cold, cold world to people without friends. That's not news to me, it always seemed obvious. But being out here among the lonely (for now) it gives me perspective: there are a damn lot of us.
I love you all, distance people.
Please excuse my dramatic tone and wordy bullshit.
Chad
sorority girl: (annoyed)"...but I thought it was yesterday..." (said in sorority girl accent, which is always northern. How did that happen?!?)
fratguy boyfriend: "Nahw, it's today." (indignant, also northern-accented)
sg: (clicks teeth in annoyance, chews on gum)
fgbf: " So,"
sg: "Okay, I have class."
fgbf: "Okay."
(The two give a quick cursory cheek peck)
fgbf: (casually) "Love you babe."
(and THIS is what really nails it. "Love you babe", a tossed off phrase lifted
directly out of last decade's TV drama archetypal "tough male". He his filling a
role- the posessor. She too, in responding to this and submitting to his role, is playing a part, a ready-made part. Made by what? That's what we should be asking ourselves.)
sg: "you too." (singsongy, resigned)
AUGHGHGHGHGH. NO CONVICTION. No HEART. And they're calling it LOVE, too. This kind of relationship abounds. It starts mainly in college, I think; high school relationships tend to be crazy-codependent or just plain pure. College relationships get this "healthy", "mature" tone to them. In college a couple
often literally don't need each other but stay together...for what?
Boredom? Okay, I'll buy that.
Fear? Sure, I'll buy that too.
Sex? Obviously. (But what a cowardly way to ensure sexual satisfaction- cut your balls off, and the ovaries of your girl, by playing games and filling roles in teen dramas with no conviction. Emotionally less damaging to sleep around; soul wise less costly (at least more honest) to hire a prostitute.)
But not love.
Being in a town where I don't have a ready-made friend group puts me in a role of spectator, so I notice these things more than I would at home or in DC. But I never suspected that there were so many loveless, accepted relationships in our world. No wonder there are so many fucked up families.
NEVER SETTLE. It's gross and it will destroy your children.
When you think about it, though, you can't blame a lot of people for settling.
They settle out of fear- fear of dying alone, sexually unsatisfied, unloved, and unmissed. Relationships give us immortality. Everything we strive for in life is a reach at immortality. These hollow relationships are people feeling like- perhaps wrongly, perhaps rightly- they've missed the boat for true love and had better take the next ferry out or miss the boat entirely.
A lot of problems in our world come from there being lonely-ass people all over the place, rubbing shoulders with one antoher, afraid to gaze into the face of a potential friend for fear of rejection. Try it sometime, I dare you. Meet the gaze of a stranger and hold it. One of you will break in the first three seconds. I've WORKED at it and I can't get past three. It makes a crowd- a pile of potential friends- a big enemy. And it's not illusory. Those people dont ' WANT to talk to you. Oh they do, and if you're good you can coax it out of them, but what if your'e not good? No hope.
In a lot of other countries this isn't the case. I think it's an American thing. But remember, that America is exporting its culture to the world, and our architecutre, and with our architecutre our concept of the world and how we relate to each other as people. Big box stores and parking lots don't help, do they? Ever been made tofeel warm and cuddly and a part of something close and important to you by a parkling lot?
Is this natural? Is loneliness natural? Is our desire to alleviate loneliness natural? Is what makes us happy necessariliy "natural"?
I don't know any of that, but I know it's not good to live and die alone, and I know a lot of people are doing it. Maybe it's always been this way and maybe it always will be this way, but the better part of my nature doesn't want to believe that. I hope it's right.
Look, maybe this has a lot to do with my own life after Rachel split for Italy. It's only been two weeks and already I feel changes. My behavior with the guy at the door the other night was understandable, sort of, but not very like me and certainly not rational. When confronted with semi-friends I haven't seen in awhile, I find myself stammering awkwardly and babbling off, spewing details about my life that I want someone to care about. I never used to do that, and finding myself apt to do it now makes me understand awkward, neurotic people moree. They want love just like anybody else, they're just so out of practice they don't know what the FUCK to do with another human being.
When Jackie split and I was in the Takoma PArk apartment alone, I was in an apartment buildin,g which is an entirely different feel. If you scream, someone will come down to help you. In a house, you're on your own. Also, in DC I had an established group of trusted and dear friends. In Gainesville, most of the people I really like left about a year ago, and the ones who remain are very busy with their own lives. Even Chuck, one of my best friends, is snowed under with work.
There are so many parts of being down here that are great. The city is super-friendly, there's a lot "going on" with music, my nieghborhood is absolutley brilliant and awesome, my house is perfect and I finally have a place to make noise without bothering anyone, I am spewing forth ramshackle 4-track creations daily. I am isolated enough to produce and produce well. I think a large part of these benefits come from me being alone and that, like me being a spectator of relationships, allows me to see the world in a way that I can't with friends to comfort and distract me.
And it looks like a cold, cold world to people without friends. That's not news to me, it always seemed obvious. But being out here among the lonely (for now) it gives me perspective: there are a damn lot of us.
I love you all, distance people.
Please excuse my dramatic tone and wordy bullshit.
Chad