right now...
I sit here, in front of my computer, staring at the illumination, a tear streaming down my face, pondering the waste of time, often referred to as my life. When did I lose control? Ideally, I wish I could say that I have been flourishing since my graduation from Penn State, but alas, I can not. As the days go on, things get worse and I find myself longing more and more for the life that I once possessed. But, you would never know it.
Multitudes of pictures have been taken of spring and summer memories bleeding into fall experiences. One thing in common, I always wear a smile. It has been my trademark for many years. But, that smile is even more wonderful than one can imagine, for it masks a devastated and shattered soul. I have nothing to grasp ahold of to keep me from falling into the deep abyss of depression, only a hand which shoves my tormented soul deeper into the darkness. Life, Love, Profession and Leisure are all subjects of sadness to me. I never wanted to put my horrible feelings and thoughts into this journal, which is why I haven't written in here in over 8 months, but I needed some kind of release, however small in magnitude, to keep me from drowning in my tears.
After graduating and going through some experiences in the relationship department, I tried to find myself, but only found a mess of trouble, marred with drugs, alcohol abuse, fighting and financial insecurity. I guess everyone makes mistakes, but why do I feel like my life has been a mistake...one big mistake. Along the way, I've maintained some friends that have kept me somewhat sane. This meaning that they didn't abandon me when I strayed from the straight and narrow path. But, now I question those friendships. One person who really helped me through some shit, that he doesn't even know about, was Jay and I thank him for that. My most favorite cousin and one of my closest friends, despite a 5 year age difference. I needed so repreive from my stress, so I turned to something that has always brought me pleasure, frisbee. Of course, with this, came friendships with people much younger than myself. But, these friendships made me happy, a least for a little bit. Dick doesn't want me to play frisbee or hang out with kids that are younger than myself. Dick says I need to grow up and be a man, because "when [he] was 25, [he] was married and had this house already." Well, Dick...this is not your life. How am I supposed to meet someone when everyone I meet already has children? I don't need or want that commitment right now. I just want my corvette! But, that won't ever happen because I can not find a decent job. I mean, I finally found a new job after laying brick for the past 10 months, but it's still not nearly what I want.
My love life has been marked by insecurities, lies and mistakes. Young girls bring headaches and drama. Older women bring emotional baggage and children. Also, girls that you meet in bars these days are not necessarily 21, which brings more headaches and drama. I keep second guessing my feelings for women of the past and I don't know what to believe anymore. I miss my friends from school, especially that girl, but she doesn't even think twice about me. Also, the "one that got away", the girl I've thought about everyday since high school, walks back into my life during a frisbee game and I don't even know what to do. I'm scared...and I'm gonna blow it.
My home life is absolutely atrocious. What happened to the shelter I used to call home at 12 Galen Road? Now, my house is marked by lies and deceit, mistrust and spying, and daily arguments. No one trusts anyone in my house. My brother is trying to make good for his past discretions, but my parents want nothing of it and still suspect he is in deep over his head, but who could blame them?! His friends...5 trips to re-hab, 2 jail terms, 2 overdoses and countless lying and stealing. They want to send some to mental institutions, but I'm the one who needs to be there, to get the hell away from here!
I can't even write anymore, because I can't find the words to describe my despair and uncertainity. Life will go on, or so they say. Someday things will get better. I just hope that someday is soon, I don't know how much more I can take. Goodbye.
Multitudes of pictures have been taken of spring and summer memories bleeding into fall experiences. One thing in common, I always wear a smile. It has been my trademark for many years. But, that smile is even more wonderful than one can imagine, for it masks a devastated and shattered soul. I have nothing to grasp ahold of to keep me from falling into the deep abyss of depression, only a hand which shoves my tormented soul deeper into the darkness. Life, Love, Profession and Leisure are all subjects of sadness to me. I never wanted to put my horrible feelings and thoughts into this journal, which is why I haven't written in here in over 8 months, but I needed some kind of release, however small in magnitude, to keep me from drowning in my tears.
After graduating and going through some experiences in the relationship department, I tried to find myself, but only found a mess of trouble, marred with drugs, alcohol abuse, fighting and financial insecurity. I guess everyone makes mistakes, but why do I feel like my life has been a mistake...one big mistake. Along the way, I've maintained some friends that have kept me somewhat sane. This meaning that they didn't abandon me when I strayed from the straight and narrow path. But, now I question those friendships. One person who really helped me through some shit, that he doesn't even know about, was Jay and I thank him for that. My most favorite cousin and one of my closest friends, despite a 5 year age difference. I needed so repreive from my stress, so I turned to something that has always brought me pleasure, frisbee. Of course, with this, came friendships with people much younger than myself. But, these friendships made me happy, a least for a little bit. Dick doesn't want me to play frisbee or hang out with kids that are younger than myself. Dick says I need to grow up and be a man, because "when [he] was 25, [he] was married and had this house already." Well, Dick...this is not your life. How am I supposed to meet someone when everyone I meet already has children? I don't need or want that commitment right now. I just want my corvette! But, that won't ever happen because I can not find a decent job. I mean, I finally found a new job after laying brick for the past 10 months, but it's still not nearly what I want.
My love life has been marked by insecurities, lies and mistakes. Young girls bring headaches and drama. Older women bring emotional baggage and children. Also, girls that you meet in bars these days are not necessarily 21, which brings more headaches and drama. I keep second guessing my feelings for women of the past and I don't know what to believe anymore. I miss my friends from school, especially that girl, but she doesn't even think twice about me. Also, the "one that got away", the girl I've thought about everyday since high school, walks back into my life during a frisbee game and I don't even know what to do. I'm scared...and I'm gonna blow it.
My home life is absolutely atrocious. What happened to the shelter I used to call home at 12 Galen Road? Now, my house is marked by lies and deceit, mistrust and spying, and daily arguments. No one trusts anyone in my house. My brother is trying to make good for his past discretions, but my parents want nothing of it and still suspect he is in deep over his head, but who could blame them?! His friends...5 trips to re-hab, 2 jail terms, 2 overdoses and countless lying and stealing. They want to send some to mental institutions, but I'm the one who needs to be there, to get the hell away from here!
I can't even write anymore, because I can't find the words to describe my despair and uncertainity. Life will go on, or so they say. Someday things will get better. I just hope that someday is soon, I don't know how much more I can take. Goodbye.