A glimpse into my mind...

[chappi]

Well...it's February 1st. I graduated about 6 weeks ago. My life has changed enormously since that event. I still can't find a job. This fact makes me a little sad inside. Instead of working and making money, I sit at home and do nothing. This leaves me to my own devices...not a good idea! I am finally coming to grips with how my relationship with Kristin has changed. I am realizing that it's not necessarily goodbye, just see ya later, maybe. Well...in any case, word seems to be out about my singleness and women seem to bark up my tree again, but something has inherently changed within me over the course of my courtship of Kristin. I really should get to know these girls, give them a chance, at least to be friends with them. Instead I probe deeply into their minds and their personalities to find any possible flaw and a reason to dismiss them without a second thought. I know who I am in love with. And it's not simply because I'm "in love" with her. It's because she's the one I call when I'm sad, she's the first one I call when I'm happy, she's the first person I think of when I wake up and the last before I go to bed, her kiss warms my soul, she's my best friend, my number one critic and my biggest supporter, at the same time, and I love her more than any person in this world. She is not these things because I'm in love with her...I'm in love with her because she is these things. Is it right for me to say I want to be with her and wait? Should I explore? Or am I kidding myself? I know we possess something special. Years ago before I met her, I would have jumped at the chance to be out of a relationship and be able to sow my wild oats, but inside, deep down...I simply yearn for her. But, alas...she must do what she needs to do. Simple as that. If we are meant to be, we shall be. It's just that it seems a kiss from anyone else is like cheating, maybe not necessarily on her, but maybe cheating on my heart. I didn't realize that women would find me almost like they KNEW! I didn't realize I would have to deal with these feelings, I thought I was "out of the game"...just a boring old man. But, since graduation, life has been blown into my soul. I have a need to be doing something, unlike at school when class ruled my thinking...I needed to graduate...and I did...YAY for ME!! Cause I worked hard...and it paid off. Now I want to enjoy my life. And I'm happy that I can still spend time with Kristin, even if it's just as my best friend and not as my girlfriend. Sometimes I feel almost jealous of her other interest. Just thinking about the way she looks into my eyes and wondering if she looks into his eyes the same way...it hurts me inside. I was never like this. I feel almost guilty even feeling these emotions. She needs to live her life and I need to live mine. I just don't know if there's anyone good enough for her. She needs a strong, athletic boy, someone strong enough to tell her she's wrong, but confident enough to admit when she's right. Someone that can keep up with the party girl, but also doesn't mind hangin out and stayin in sometimes. Someone comfortable enough to let her be her wild, crazy, flirty self (b/c she has so many guy friends), but someone that will always let her know and make her feel like she is the most beautiful and important thing in this world. She deserves the best...but I suppose, for now, she's not really looking for the best...just exploring life. I don't know, dude...my mind just runs crazy sometimes. But, I will always love and cherish her because she is my favorite person to hang with, cuddle with, talk with and debate with. She's just plain awesome.
Then there's the issue of my brothers on drugs??! An anonymous call comes into the house and gets my mom all upset. Says Craig is smoking crack and shooting heroin and Brett is popping pills!! Wow...Mom questions them both and, of course, they deny it. I know what Craig does and doesn't do and he doesn't do that shit. As for Brett, I don't know, maybe he's pulling the wool over everyone's eyes?! But, he'll be in for a long time, due to his report card. Either way, my mom was all upset, I was a little nervous...just a bad incident. Hopefully, everything will be cleared up and forgotten.
I just don't want anything bad to happen to my brothers. I love them very much and it would kill me inside if anything happened to them. Well...I guess enough of my mind. It's a scary place to spend too much time. And I hate those away messages too. She's just too good. Well...I'm out...Peas dawgs!