Thing being-- I've been house hopping for 2 years now. I'm not happy at my mom's, so i move to milwaukee. Not happy with Milwaukee, so I move to Madison. I become a basket case in Madison, and I leave 2 months early to live in Grafton with my mom. I'm there 4 months and on the verge of suicide AND then she says I cannot live there without charging me a ridiculous amount of rent I cannot afford, so I leave and move to Milwaukee with Mikey, where I'm treated like absolute shit while they decide to charge me over 2/3rds the rent (while they sleep on my bed and i get the floor), when originally they were "caring friends who didn't want me on the street" and said i didn't have to pay a cent. Things get real fucked up there, so I go to my dad's.
Thing is... I keep "standing up" for myself and my beliefs and look where it's gotten me? I have nowhere I can call home. Nowhere I am is ever someplace I feel trusted and loved and accepted. There's always some bullshit.
So does the problem lie with these people, or me? Maybe I just have an inability to be happy.
My dad genuinely wants to help me out, even though it may be under HIS conditions. I have a roof over my head... and he's already invested $400+ into me for clothing (I had had one pair of pants and two shirts before moving here...), buying wood and supplies to BUILD ME A ROOM, plus all the hard labor he's put in, and he's even willing to help me pay off school and get back in to school. He's invested so much into me these past 2 weeks.
I wonder if being brave is standing up for my stupid rights at the cost of every thing, or if being brave is sucking it up and sacrificing to actually get my fucking life together.
I'm 20, a college drop-out who has been desperately trying to find a job to no avail. I've got ambitions, sure, but they are vague, and improbable. As my dad said, "Well, it didn't seem like you were doing so well on your own... eating out of dumpsters, sleeping inside phonebooths, accruing debt after debt..." And it's true. I wasn't doing well on my own. I'm responsible and good with my money but too much shit has happened that kept bringing me down. Especially emotionally.
I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want to just keep flipping off the world and being true to myself, while spiraling downward further and further away from an honest future...should i? (that's not rhetorical)
My problem, I guess, is that I don't know what's best for me anymore. Because whenever I make a choice i THINK will make me happy, I end up miserable. And here comes along my dad who says he KNOWS what is best for me. And sometimes, it's easier to just go along with that, than to deal with how confusing every thing is.
All I want is to find a happy medium. No more drama. No more eating out of dumpsters, either. I want to assert myself but not step on people's toes. So do I choose to be unhappy on the streets, Or unhappy in a nice home with opportunity?
In Grafton, I was still absolutely miserable. Even though I was a lot closer to people there, I still didn't see any one. I mean, look at you and me. I lived in Grafton for 4-5 months and I saw you a grand total of once. People have their own lives.
I just wish I could come to a common ground with every one and we could all compromise. Problem is... I don't know how to do this.
I guess what it comes down to, is I don't really know what I want anymore. All I know is what's good in one place is bad in another. At one place I can express myself freely, but I'm constantly amidst a storm of temper tantrums, arguments, screaming and tears and depression. At another, it's completely drama-free, but I feel suppressed and paranoid.
Like i said... maybe I'm just incapable of ever getting my shit together. I'd move out with friends, but you'd be surprised how many people call you a REAL FRIEND but when you tell them you're sleeping outside, they just go, "Ahhh... bummer." So when you ask about friends letting me live on the street, you'd be surprised at how many don't actually care. Most, to be honest. Maybe that says something about my choice of friends, but it doesn't really matter.
Ramble ramble. I don't know. x_x I can't run from the world forever.
I do hope you realize, if I had my own place as I used to, I would invite you to stay anytime. I have always been hospitable towards you, and had you have been accepting and nearer to me when you were going through that crap in Madison, I'd have gladly offered you a pull-out couch to stay on (I thought I had, actually, but maybe my memory fails me)
And, I wish it were still that way... I wish I had a little place of my own so that I could offer that again, but I can't offer when it is not my own place. What I can offer though, is for you to stay over sometimes, if it's getting to be too much for you. I might not be able to help you out, permanently or anything, because I live with my mom, but I know for a fact she would be more than O.K. with you sleeping over sometimes.
So, there is my offer... if there's ever a day when you are going crazy there, and all you want to do is draw, listen to some loud music, and whatever... you are MORE than welcome to call me up, and ask. But I can't help you, if you don't ask... I can't force you to come over, and I don't know when you're having one of those really bad days.
I'll talk to you more later, I gotta go hun, love yous.
Thing being-- I've been house hopping for 2 years now. I'm not happy at my mom's, so i move to milwaukee. Not happy with Milwaukee, so I move to Madison. I become a basket case in Madison, and I leave 2 months early to live in Grafton with my mom. I'm there 4 months and on the verge of suicide AND then she says I cannot live there without charging me a ridiculous amount of rent I cannot afford, so I leave and move to Milwaukee with Mikey, where I'm treated like absolute shit while they decide to charge me over 2/3rds the rent (while they sleep on my bed and i get the floor), when originally they were "caring friends who didn't want me on the street" and said i didn't have to pay a cent. Things get real fucked up there, so I go to my dad's.
Thing is... I keep "standing up" for myself and my beliefs and look where it's gotten me?
I have nowhere I can call home.
Nowhere I am is ever someplace I feel trusted and loved and accepted. There's always some bullshit.
So does the problem lie with these people, or me?
Maybe I just have an inability to be happy.
My dad genuinely wants to help me out, even though it may be under HIS conditions.
I have a roof over my head... and he's already invested $400+ into me for clothing (I had had one pair of pants and two shirts before moving here...), buying wood and supplies to BUILD ME A ROOM, plus all the hard labor he's put in, and he's even willing to help me pay off school and get back in to school. He's invested so much into me these past 2 weeks.
I wonder if being brave is standing up for my stupid rights at the cost of every thing, or if being brave is sucking it up and sacrificing to actually get my fucking life together.
I'm 20, a college drop-out who has been desperately trying to find a job to no avail. I've got ambitions, sure, but they are vague, and improbable. As my dad said, "Well, it didn't seem like you were doing so well on your own... eating out of dumpsters, sleeping inside phonebooths, accruing debt after debt..."
And it's true. I wasn't doing well on my own. I'm responsible and good with my money but too much shit has happened that kept bringing me down. Especially emotionally.
I don't want to be a martyr.
I don't want to just keep flipping off the world and being true to myself, while spiraling downward further and further away from an honest future...should i? (that's not rhetorical)
My problem, I guess, is that I don't know what's best for me anymore. Because whenever I make a choice i THINK will make me happy, I end up miserable.
And here comes along my dad who says he KNOWS what is best for me. And sometimes, it's easier to just go along with that, than to deal with how confusing every thing is.
All I want is to find a happy medium.
No more drama.
No more eating out of dumpsters, either.
I want to assert myself but not step on people's toes.
So do I choose to be unhappy on the streets,
Or unhappy in a nice home with opportunity?
In Grafton, I was still absolutely miserable. Even though I was a lot closer to people there, I still didn't see any one. I mean, look at you and me. I lived in Grafton for 4-5 months and I saw you a grand total of once.
People have their own lives.
I just wish I could come to a common ground with every one and we could all compromise.
Problem is... I don't know how to do this.
I guess what it comes down to, is I don't really know what I want anymore. All I know is what's good in one place is bad in another.
At one place I can express myself freely, but I'm constantly amidst a storm of temper tantrums, arguments, screaming and tears and depression.
At another, it's completely drama-free, but I feel suppressed and paranoid.
Like i said... maybe I'm just incapable of ever getting my shit together. I'd move out with friends, but you'd be surprised how many people call you a REAL FRIEND but when you tell them you're sleeping outside, they just go, "Ahhh... bummer."
So when you ask about friends letting me live on the street, you'd be surprised at how many don't actually care. Most, to be honest.
Maybe that says something about my choice of friends, but it doesn't really matter.
Ramble ramble. I don't know. x_x I can't run from the world forever.
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And, I wish it were still that way... I wish I had a little place of my own so that I could offer that again, but I can't offer when it is not my own place. What I can offer though, is for you to stay over sometimes, if it's getting to be too much for you. I might not be able to help you out, permanently or anything, because I live with my mom, but I know for a fact she would be more than O.K. with you sleeping over sometimes.
So, there is my offer... if there's ever a day when you are going crazy there, and all you want to do is draw, listen to some loud music, and whatever... you are MORE than welcome to call me up, and ask. But I can't help you, if you don't ask... I can't force you to come over, and I don't know when you're having one of those really bad days.
I'll talk to you more later, I gotta go hun,
love yous.
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