(no subject)
You know, I think I've finally turned a page.
I'm finally staring to see the truth in the bad things people have told me about him over the years. It's funny, now that we're not together, to find out how my friends really thought of him, the things they never said because they knew I loved him, how they put up with him on my account. Michelle in particular cracks me up. I could say that I wish they'd all said something earlier, but the truth is, I know I wouldn't have listened. I was so blindly, desperately in love that I not only excused all his faults to everyone around me, I even justified them to myself. I excused the violence, the lying, the theft, the need for control... everything.
When I woke up this morning, there was a text from him (probably drunk again) from 3am on my phone saying 'I should have told you the truth and let you kill yourself, it's what you deserved.' And I just shook my head and laughed a little. It didn't hurt. It did make me a little sad, not for missing him, but for missing the man that I am increasingly coming to realize never existed except in my own mind. And sad for myself that I wasted so many years. Also, a little sad for him, because I really think he could be a wonderful person if he would work on his issues, get some help. But I don't think he ever will. He seems to think that talking to his friends and thinking a lot is enough, but that is clearly not the case, He's still the same broken boy I knew 6, 7 years ago - a little harder, a little meaner, and far more likely to turn his rage and his issues outward instead of inward - but effectively, he's the same. He may get into bar fights and yell at his staff instead of cutting himself, but the deep-seated issues causing all that haven't changed, haven't been fixed one bit. I'm told there's been 'lots of healing of both of [them]' since he's been with her, but his issues aren't something that a girlfriend is gonna be able to fix - he needs to do it for himself. And I don't think he ever will. Even if the next woman he hits is smart enough to press charges and the law forces him into anger management, I don't think he'll get anything from it, because he "doesn't believe in therapy." But with the kind of issues he has, you have to want to get better enough to try new ways of doing so, and he's too proud.
He's really shown his true colors in the last week or so, probably because he's in his self defense, self justification mode. He spent 6 years telling me to learn to stand up for myself, but when I say I want a fair division of marital debts and assets, he freaks out and acts like I'm some sort or blood-sucking bitch, and says that the only way I'm getting even the things in his possession that are clearly mine is through the court. He runs away from everything in his life - his deluded idea is that he can offer to keep all the assets and assume all my debt and then declare bankruptcy - running away again. It just goes to show, he wasn't interested in my standing up for myself for my own sake, but so that he wouldn't have too. The first time I actually DO stand up for myself in a way that negatively effects him, I'm the bad guy. That's so typical. He's bad at taking responsibility, at least when it comes to things that make him uncomfortable, in both the material and psycolocical sense. He was running out on his debts before I was ever with him, and frankly I'm just ashamed that I let him pull me into that pattern - and also glad that I've finally realized how childish it is, and am working on fixing my past mistakes and never being that irresponsible again.
That's really just the tip of the iceberg of things that I've realized about him, but I don't feel like wasting any more of my time on him right now, I have better things to be doing at the moment (real, table-top mah jong is addictive!)
I'm finally staring to see the truth in the bad things people have told me about him over the years. It's funny, now that we're not together, to find out how my friends really thought of him, the things they never said because they knew I loved him, how they put up with him on my account. Michelle in particular cracks me up. I could say that I wish they'd all said something earlier, but the truth is, I know I wouldn't have listened. I was so blindly, desperately in love that I not only excused all his faults to everyone around me, I even justified them to myself. I excused the violence, the lying, the theft, the need for control... everything.
When I woke up this morning, there was a text from him (probably drunk again) from 3am on my phone saying 'I should have told you the truth and let you kill yourself, it's what you deserved.' And I just shook my head and laughed a little. It didn't hurt. It did make me a little sad, not for missing him, but for missing the man that I am increasingly coming to realize never existed except in my own mind. And sad for myself that I wasted so many years. Also, a little sad for him, because I really think he could be a wonderful person if he would work on his issues, get some help. But I don't think he ever will. He seems to think that talking to his friends and thinking a lot is enough, but that is clearly not the case, He's still the same broken boy I knew 6, 7 years ago - a little harder, a little meaner, and far more likely to turn his rage and his issues outward instead of inward - but effectively, he's the same. He may get into bar fights and yell at his staff instead of cutting himself, but the deep-seated issues causing all that haven't changed, haven't been fixed one bit. I'm told there's been 'lots of healing of both of [them]' since he's been with her, but his issues aren't something that a girlfriend is gonna be able to fix - he needs to do it for himself. And I don't think he ever will. Even if the next woman he hits is smart enough to press charges and the law forces him into anger management, I don't think he'll get anything from it, because he "doesn't believe in therapy." But with the kind of issues he has, you have to want to get better enough to try new ways of doing so, and he's too proud.
He's really shown his true colors in the last week or so, probably because he's in his self defense, self justification mode. He spent 6 years telling me to learn to stand up for myself, but when I say I want a fair division of marital debts and assets, he freaks out and acts like I'm some sort or blood-sucking bitch, and says that the only way I'm getting even the things in his possession that are clearly mine is through the court. He runs away from everything in his life - his deluded idea is that he can offer to keep all the assets and assume all my debt and then declare bankruptcy - running away again. It just goes to show, he wasn't interested in my standing up for myself for my own sake, but so that he wouldn't have too. The first time I actually DO stand up for myself in a way that negatively effects him, I'm the bad guy. That's so typical. He's bad at taking responsibility, at least when it comes to things that make him uncomfortable, in both the material and psycolocical sense. He was running out on his debts before I was ever with him, and frankly I'm just ashamed that I let him pull me into that pattern - and also glad that I've finally realized how childish it is, and am working on fixing my past mistakes and never being that irresponsible again.
That's really just the tip of the iceberg of things that I've realized about him, but I don't feel like wasting any more of my time on him right now, I have better things to be doing at the moment (real, table-top mah jong is addictive!)