(no subject)
I am SO sick of the question "how are you doing?"
Anyone who knows what's going on at ALL knows that there are only two ways I can answer that - I can be specious and patently false (even if I''m a good enough pretender to make you believe I mean it), or I can tell the incomprehensible truth. Either way, my answer is not a good one. So stop asking me that. How I am is feeling so confused, and broken, and compleatly devastated, that I don't want to wake up in the morning. I don't want to have to feel anything anymore, because it all hurts right now. When I'm at work and someone orders a little ice in thier coffee, I nearly cry. When I see couples being sweet to each other, I have to take a smoke break just to get myself together.
My anger is genuine, but try as I might I can't seem to hate - which is what I need now. I need to hate. because that's the only way I know of right now to stop loving - and not loving is the only way I can survive this. Honestly - does anyone have any other suggestions? I would take a bullet for him still. And after everything he's done, I feel sick with myself for that. But I can't stop feeling that way. And in the past week, I've lost not only my partner and best friend, but the only other friend that I felt truly comfortable discussing things this deep with. I love my (real) friends (and you know who you are, and aren't) but in the moth between the "seperation" and the actual truth, there was only one person I felt I could truly open up too... and they betrayed me also.
So I'm not fucking ok, so don't ask me if I am. Don't ask me how I'm doing. If you really want to help, ask me if there's anthing you can do, or if I need to talk.
But please, PLEASE, stop asking me questions that I can't answer.
Anyone who knows what's going on at ALL knows that there are only two ways I can answer that - I can be specious and patently false (even if I''m a good enough pretender to make you believe I mean it), or I can tell the incomprehensible truth. Either way, my answer is not a good one. So stop asking me that. How I am is feeling so confused, and broken, and compleatly devastated, that I don't want to wake up in the morning. I don't want to have to feel anything anymore, because it all hurts right now. When I'm at work and someone orders a little ice in thier coffee, I nearly cry. When I see couples being sweet to each other, I have to take a smoke break just to get myself together.
My anger is genuine, but try as I might I can't seem to hate - which is what I need now. I need to hate. because that's the only way I know of right now to stop loving - and not loving is the only way I can survive this. Honestly - does anyone have any other suggestions? I would take a bullet for him still. And after everything he's done, I feel sick with myself for that. But I can't stop feeling that way. And in the past week, I've lost not only my partner and best friend, but the only other friend that I felt truly comfortable discussing things this deep with. I love my (real) friends (and you know who you are, and aren't) but in the moth between the "seperation" and the actual truth, there was only one person I felt I could truly open up too... and they betrayed me also.
So I'm not fucking ok, so don't ask me if I am. Don't ask me how I'm doing. If you really want to help, ask me if there's anthing you can do, or if I need to talk.
But please, PLEASE, stop asking me questions that I can't answer.