Joe Wojtowicz Day!
It is on this noblest of holidays that we take time to reflect on the true meaning of Joe Wojtowicz and everything he stands for. Now is our opportunity to take into consideration the catastrophic repercussions that would result of a world lacking this benevolent creature and the outstanding humanitarian efforts made upon his part.
Far too often the significance of Joe Wojtowicz is overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated by the thankless swine of this society, so let us all seize this chance to make right what wrongs we have collectively imparted upon Mr. Wojtowicz by acknowledging a few key points so readily ignored.
1. ‘Joe Wojtowicz’ and ‘Jesus’ start with the same letter - a fact typically dismissed as coincidence, when in actuality it is nothing of the sort. Traced back through the generations, Joe is the direct descendent of Jesus. Therefore, Joe Wojtowicz has, in some small part, the blood of God coursing through his veins.
2. Joe Wojtowicz possesses the remarkable power to make an anorexic girl cry at the drop of a hat, which is of infinite function from day to day. Some would say it’s a matter of his tendency to discuss his own obesity despite the outline of his ribs and spine visible beneath fancy shirts, but here is where I disagree: it is most certainly a gift from God when a man can bring a 75 pound girl to tears.
3. None of us, no matter how many years of painstakingly dedicated work we put toward it, will ever be just as cool as Joe Wojtowicz. It is surely a matter of divine intervention that one human could ever be that much of a badass.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what we disregard about Joe Wojtowicz, so take this opportunity to feel shame for not taking time out of each day to appreciate the phenomenon that is Joe Wojtowicz.
Happy Joe Wojtowicz Day.
Far too often the significance of Joe Wojtowicz is overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated by the thankless swine of this society, so let us all seize this chance to make right what wrongs we have collectively imparted upon Mr. Wojtowicz by acknowledging a few key points so readily ignored.
1. ‘Joe Wojtowicz’ and ‘Jesus’ start with the same letter - a fact typically dismissed as coincidence, when in actuality it is nothing of the sort. Traced back through the generations, Joe is the direct descendent of Jesus. Therefore, Joe Wojtowicz has, in some small part, the blood of God coursing through his veins.
2. Joe Wojtowicz possesses the remarkable power to make an anorexic girl cry at the drop of a hat, which is of infinite function from day to day. Some would say it’s a matter of his tendency to discuss his own obesity despite the outline of his ribs and spine visible beneath fancy shirts, but here is where I disagree: it is most certainly a gift from God when a man can bring a 75 pound girl to tears.
3. None of us, no matter how many years of painstakingly dedicated work we put toward it, will ever be just as cool as Joe Wojtowicz. It is surely a matter of divine intervention that one human could ever be that much of a badass.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of what we disregard about Joe Wojtowicz, so take this opportunity to feel shame for not taking time out of each day to appreciate the phenomenon that is Joe Wojtowicz.
Happy Joe Wojtowicz Day.