Guide to Basic Grooming
When I was little, I had no idea about how to keep myself clean, neat, and generally presentable; I also had no idea why this was even wanted in the first place. Until my late teens, I spent very little time on personal grooming, for a variety of reasons, both sensory and socially-related.
What I'm going to try to do here is list the basics, along with some tips I've learned.
Your goal, with these things, is not to make yourself "acceptable" to NTs. These basics will not make you popular; nor will they necessarily change the way people treat you. The reason they are useful is simply this: For the neurotypical, clothing, hair, and grooming are all forms of communication. They read messages from each other's styles of dress; to a neurotypical, a buzz cut displays a different message from a ponytail and a suit a different message from a hooded sweatshirt. The problem is that the autistic person does not naturally learn these codes, and it is very easy to send signals that are misread by the neurotypical as something you did not mean to communicate. This "noise" can obscure the signals you are trying to send; and that can be very problematic.
Before I get to this, I'm going to note something important: These things are not supposed to be your first priority. There are many more important things than cracking and using the NT grooming code. Being yourself is one of them. Having enough time to do the things you love is one of them. Keeping your stress level low enough to function is yet another. The amount of effort you spend on this should not be more than you can spare. If you have a caretaker or an aide, this adds yet another dimension to the problem, and it may be necessary to negotiate with them as well.
So, then, on to the things I've learned...
Cleanliness
Someone who is visibly dirty or smells dirty will generally be avoided by many NTs. If you don't have a problem with this yourself, consider it to be something like one of your olfactory or visual sensory triggers--the NTs you meet may find it just as frustrating and aversive as, say, fluorescent lights or overpowering perfume. Being clean is probably the most important part of grooming.
Your goal with your hair, most likely, is to wear it in a style that's acceptable to your sensory system. For some of us, that means very short; for others, it means long enough to hang over the eyes and block out unwanted visual data. Some people can't stand ponytails; others love them. Some people have problems with pulling their hair or ingesting it. All those things have to be taken into account. But the most important thing with hair is that you keep it clean. For anyone with short hair or anyone with oily hair, that means washing your hair every day. If you have long hair that tends to get dry, you may wash it as little as twice a week.
Clothing is practical. It keeps you warm and keeps the elements away from you. It serves the cultural norm of modesty by keeping a symbolic barrier between you and those with whom you are not intimate. It can help remove sensory annoyances and even provide calming sensations, like the feeling of wearing a heavy coat. Of course, it can also be the source of sensory problems; put me in a wool sweater and a pair of polyester pants, and you might as well prepare for the meltdown. And of course there's the choice-overload problem facing anyone who looks at a full closet and can't figure out where to start picking out something to wear. All of these considerations have to be taken into account; so it's no surprise that many autistics have adopted "uniforms"--wearing the same, or very similar styles, every day.
What I'm going to try to do here is list the basics, along with some tips I've learned.
Your goal, with these things, is not to make yourself "acceptable" to NTs. These basics will not make you popular; nor will they necessarily change the way people treat you. The reason they are useful is simply this: For the neurotypical, clothing, hair, and grooming are all forms of communication. They read messages from each other's styles of dress; to a neurotypical, a buzz cut displays a different message from a ponytail and a suit a different message from a hooded sweatshirt. The problem is that the autistic person does not naturally learn these codes, and it is very easy to send signals that are misread by the neurotypical as something you did not mean to communicate. This "noise" can obscure the signals you are trying to send; and that can be very problematic.
Before I get to this, I'm going to note something important: These things are not supposed to be your first priority. There are many more important things than cracking and using the NT grooming code. Being yourself is one of them. Having enough time to do the things you love is one of them. Keeping your stress level low enough to function is yet another. The amount of effort you spend on this should not be more than you can spare. If you have a caretaker or an aide, this adds yet another dimension to the problem, and it may be necessary to negotiate with them as well.
So, then, on to the things I've learned...
Cleanliness
Someone who is visibly dirty or smells dirty will generally be avoided by many NTs. If you don't have a problem with this yourself, consider it to be something like one of your olfactory or visual sensory triggers--the NTs you meet may find it just as frustrating and aversive as, say, fluorescent lights or overpowering perfume. Being clean is probably the most important part of grooming.
- Showers are a must. (Baths can substitute.) You should shower at least every other day, preferably daily. If you have dry skin and showers tend to aggravate it, using body lotion afterward can solve the problem. Make your shower a part of your routine--same time every day, preferably done in the same way every time. Having a set order of actions can help you to keep your shower relatively short and stop you from missing any necessary tasks. Routines also help with the problem of the transition to and from the shower as well as the sensory overload that often comes with the sensation of being wet, cold, or too hot.
- Washing your hands after anything that gets them dirty or sticky is important. Also wash them after using the restroom, even if they are not dirty. (This is social protocol to signal that you do not desire to spread germs. Most humans are born with an instinctive disgust reaction to urine and feces; they cannot help this, and handwashing is a way to avoid triggering this reaction in other people. Of course, it also has the very practical function of stopping some diseases; that instinctive disgust is actually an adaptive trait.)
- Clean yourself thoroughly after using the toilet. While NTs may not have as acute a sense of smell as most autistics do, this is one smell they will probably notice quite readily.
- If you are an adult past puberty, your underarms and groin have sweat glands that are different from the sweat glands on the rest of your body. These will release sweat that is more likely to smell strongly. This is thought to have something to do with sexual attraction; but in most modern cultures (especially Western cultures), the smells from these sweat glands are considered to be very unattractive and should be removed. The usual way for the underarms is to wear deodorant. Find one that you can tolerate, and apply it after every shower. If necessary, apply it again midway between showers. Note that it can be difficult to detect one's underarms are smelly by just taking a sniff because you have been close to the source of the smell as it's become gradually stronger. If you are tall, this is an especially important thing to deal with because you will meet many people whose noses are at your armpit level! The smell from the sweat glands around your groin is generally less of a problem because you cover that area with underwear, but there are deodorant sprays specifically made for the purpose; and some people shave the area, which also helps (the hair in your armpits and your groin traps the smell of sweat).
- If you have just been doing a dirty or strenuous task, you should take an extra shower, even if it is not time for your normal shower.
- Foot odor can be prevented by wearing clean socks with your shoes and changing your socks frequently--with the obvious assumption that you are washing your feet every day when you shower. You should not wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row (if you wear only one style of shoes, buy multiple pairs and mark the days of the week on their soles--so you wear Pair One on Mondays and Thursdays, Pair Two on Tuesdays and Fridays, etc.) Don't wear socks with sandals, though (this is a fashion faux pas--though transparent nylon stockings for women are acceptable); if your sandals start to smell, it's time to throw them out.
- Teeth and mouth: If you make it a routine to brush after every meal, you will generally avoid bad breath and keep anything from being stuck between your teeth. You should floss once a day (I do it at night before I go to bed). Here's a trick: Brush not just your teeth, but your tongue too. The same bacteria that live on your teeth also live on your tongue, and can cause bad breath. If you can't brush your teeth and you're in a public place where you'll be near other people, chew some gum after you finish eating (sugar-free, to avoid cavities). But remember there's nothing wrong with carrying a toothbrush and toothpaste with you and brushing your teeth in a public bathroom. Some people have sensory issues that cause tooth-brushing to be quite difficult to tolerate. Try different kinds of toothpaste, different tooth brushes. Experiment until you find something that works for you. If you're dyspraxic, you might find that an electric toothbrush makes things easier. Best way to be sure you don't miss any teeth: Brush the same way every time. You should also go to the dentist about every six months (there are issues related to that, too, but that's a whole 'nother article).
Your goal with your hair, most likely, is to wear it in a style that's acceptable to your sensory system. For some of us, that means very short; for others, it means long enough to hang over the eyes and block out unwanted visual data. Some people can't stand ponytails; others love them. Some people have problems with pulling their hair or ingesting it. All those things have to be taken into account. But the most important thing with hair is that you keep it clean. For anyone with short hair or anyone with oily hair, that means washing your hair every day. If you have long hair that tends to get dry, you may wash it as little as twice a week.
- Using conditioner makes it easier to comb out your wet hair; there are also shampoo/conditioner combinations that combine both things in one bottle, meaning you only have to apply it once. Dry hair does better if you use conditioner.
- It is allowable to open the top of a shampoo or conditioner bottle while you are in the store to check if it smells all right to you. You should not, however, actually remove any of the product from the bottle. If you have extreme perfume sensitivity, beware that this may actually cause overload for you. Look for "hypoallergenic" or "unscented" products; those marked with "aloe vera" often do not have strong smells either. I find that I don't need to use specifically unscented shampoo because I can usually find some that doesn't smell strong enough to bother me after I wash it out of my hair.
- You do not need to use any particular kind of shampoo; in almost all cases, one kind is as good as another. The main considerations for you are probably price and scent.
- Haircuts: If you are male and you have short hair, you should get a haircut before your hair has grown more than about an inch past its last haircut. Females can wait longer even if they do have short hair because the shaggy look of a short haircut that has grown out is not considered unkempt on a female. It is possible to do your own haircut with a pair of scissors and/or clippers, if you have a steady hand and can effectively use a mirror to trim the back. I recommend that anyone who has a haircut take a shower afterward to get rid of any remaining cut bits of hair on the skin; these can be a severe sensory annoyance.
- Hairstyles: Just keep them neat. Very short hair just has to be combed once a day, perhaps just after you wash it or just after you get out of bed. A wet brush or comb can help neaten hair that is standing up because you have had your head on the pillow all night. Longer hair can be pinned back or put into a ponytail. If you wear long hair that hangs free, remember that you will have to brush it more often to stop it from being tangled. Men with long hair should make an extra effort to keep their hair neat and clean; greasy, tangled long hair on a man is often considered to be worse than the same on a woman. If you have problems with keeping your hair neat, consider a short haircut or even a buzz cut. Very short hair can also help people who tend to pull out their hair, since that makes it harder to get a grip and less satisfying to pull on.
- Facial hair: Males should keep theirs neatly trimmed if they wear it, or else shave every day. Females should not wear facial hair at all (having some dark hairs on the face is not uncommon, especially as women grow into middle age; these can be removed any way you can tolerate; shaving must be done much more often than tweezing or waxing). There is generally no reason to do anything with the eyebrows, but in some people there are stray hairs between the eyebrows. These should be removed, as they are considered a sign of poor grooming if they are allowed to remain.
- Body hair: In most places, men do not need to do anything with body hair. Depending on where you live, a woman may be expected to shave her legs, armpits, or both. Look at a picture of a swimming suit model in your culture to check whether underarm or leg hair on women is considered acceptable; even if it is acceptable in your culture, it is probably still OK to shave it if you want. A benefit of shaving one's underarm hair is that less deodorant is necessary, and tends to be more effective. Women, don't be afraid to buy a man's shaver; they are often more durable and less expensive. Most of the time it is possible to shave while showering; with wet skin and soap, shaving cream is unnecessary. You should shave once to twice a week at the least; many do so daily.
- Fortunately, jewelry is entirely unnecessary--in no environment other than a formal event is anyone required to wear jewelry. You may ignore it entirely if you do not wish to wear any. However, jewelry does send some specific signals; if you are female, it often gives out an "I am feminine" vibe, and if you wish to reinforce your gender, jewelry--especially delicate jewelry--is a good way to do it. Pierced ears, once they heal, are very easy to manage; you can even keep stainless steel studs in overnight. Do not wear a lot of jewelry at once, however; too much is worse than none at all. Males don't tend to wear much jewelry, but a nice wristwatch can be practical and attractive; some will pierce a single ear (which used to mean you were gay, but now just means you like to wear an earring).
- Fingernails and toenails should be trimmed regularly, and there should be no dirt under them. It's possible to buy a small brush that you can use to scrub under your nails; you can use this after you do a dirty task, while you're washing your hands. I've found that if your nails are only a little dirty, when you take your shower and wash your hair, it'll clean your fingernails too. Useful. Oh, and fingernails can be trimmed with toenail clippers--these are often more durable and there's no reason to use the smaller fingernail clippers. Trim your fingernails about once a week and your toenails slightly less often. As a bonus, short toenails mean your socks will last longer--untrimmed toenails will wear holes through socks very quickly.
- Make-up is another unnecessary thing. In most Western cultures, it's mostly worn by women, so men should never have to worry about it. If you experiment with make-up, your main goal should be to keep it quite subtle--once you have applied it, it should not be obvious that you are wearing make-up. Many girls delight in giving "makeovers" to each other, and if you are offered, this can be a good source of tips on how to apply and wear cosmetics. Most mothers and grandmothers also have no problem teaching their teenage girls, though you are likely to find their tastes more conservative than your generation's. One exception to the general rule that it's not necessary to wear make-up is when you are going to a very formal event such as a wedding. In that case, females should wear at least lip gloss. If you are actually in the wedding, get help from a bridesmaid or another female friend who knows how to use the stuff.
- If your lips tend to become chapped in dry weather, wear chapstick. This applies to both genders. The cheapest way to do this is to buy a small tube of petroleum jelly--this is unscented and works just as well as the expensive sort.
Clothing is practical. It keeps you warm and keeps the elements away from you. It serves the cultural norm of modesty by keeping a symbolic barrier between you and those with whom you are not intimate. It can help remove sensory annoyances and even provide calming sensations, like the feeling of wearing a heavy coat. Of course, it can also be the source of sensory problems; put me in a wool sweater and a pair of polyester pants, and you might as well prepare for the meltdown. And of course there's the choice-overload problem facing anyone who looks at a full closet and can't figure out where to start picking out something to wear. All of these considerations have to be taken into account; so it's no surprise that many autistics have adopted "uniforms"--wearing the same, or very similar styles, every day.
- The most important characteristic of clothing is its cleanliness. Unless you are doing a dirty chore, like mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, or fixing your car, you should not wear clothing that is stained or dirty. If it is stained and you cannot remove the stain, throw the clothing away or wear it only while at home (a favorite shirt that has become stained can be converted into a pajama top, for example). If you find that you have spilled something on a piece of clothing, you may be able to prevent it from staining by immediately washing the clothing in cold water and soap, scrubbing vigorously. Never wear stained or dirty clothing outside your home or while you have visitors.
- It is often easier to adopt a "uniform" than it is to think up new outfits every day. My own basic strategy involves eight pairs of plain black cotton pants and about fifteen polo shirts of various colors. Each shirt can go with any of the pants (black pants will go with anything), so I just hang the shirts in my closet in rainbow order and take the shirt on the end every day. Black or blue pants or jeans can go with just about any shirt; it's much easier to choose clothing when your pants will go with anything you own.
- Females should wear bras. Males who have any significant amount of body hair should either wear an undershirt or wear shirts hide the body hair. (For some reason, male body hair is considered "disgusting" by some.)
- Pajamas and swimsuits should not be worn except at home and at the swimming pool or beach, respectively.
- If your clothing is wrinkled, iron it. I highly recommend that you do not wear clothing that requires ironing every day, though.
- Regarding matching outfits: Jeans go with anything. Black goes with almost anything. Use these principles. If you are not artistic, it's best to just stay simple.
- Don't wear clothing that is very tight, especially if you are female. If you need to do this for sensory reasons, it may still be possible for you to wear another layer on top that is looser (for example, a tight undershirt under a looser sweater).