Zoning Out
What I'd call "spacing out" or "zoning out" is more of a brain-fog sort of thing, like a milder version of shutdown but not quite the same, when I retreat from clear thought and interaction. It's very frustrating to be in this state because I know I'm not connecting and I know I'm not processing things well, but I can't get myself engaged no matter how hard I try--and I'm not even really capable of putting out a great deal of effort in the first place. It can stick around for a full day. The only thing that reliably hits the reset button on spacing out is a full night's sleep--though it can of course happen again the next day. I used to actually hurt myself (among other reasons) to get myself out of this state, and while it sometimes worked, it usually didn't.
What's more frustrating is that it doesn't actually connect to sensory or environmental overload as clearly as full-on shutdown/meltdown does, so it's not (theoretically) easy to prevent like full-on meltdown is; it's more like I've suddenly become totally unmotivated, and frustrated because I know I am unmotivated and unengaged and I can't figure out how to start up again. Usually I spend the day doing stupid things I don't even really enjoy. Actually, I spent most of today that way... I fluctuate between that and hyperfocus, when the world is crystal-clear and I can make connections between anything and everything and come up with new ideas and solve problems and just about feel like a genius.
I wonder sometimes whether this is near-identical to what is experienced by people with inattentive ADHD--this sort of chronic under-arousal. What makes me think it might be is that I've found that constant motion of some sort--stimming, pacing, fidgeting--helps me to focus and tip the balance towards a more focused state. In fact, if I'm moving, it's almost always an indication that I'm thinking very hard and probably quite efficiently. But whether the movement is the cause of my increased focus or whether it simply accompanies it (which makes sense, if physical and mental alertness increase at the same time) is still up in the air.
But this zoning out is really a problem. It's a huge problem. It's affecting my life more than probably any other AS trait; and while the hyperfocus allows me to do some of my best work, the dark side of the whole thing is the dull, blank, indecisive, disorganized way I often end up spending my time. I feel like I'm losing half my life to it.
For one thing, wasting time like this instead of studying is keeping me from taking full advantage of the college education I'm fighting so hard to get. (It's not very easy for someone who is on disability to get a chance at a college education in the first place. I'm very lucky in that respect.) I'm passing my classes, but only because eventually, when a deadline comes up, I end up finally punching through the inertia and working on the project or studying for the test, last-minute. I guess the deadline gives me just enough impetus to create the focus I need. It doesn't help that it often means studying through the night. Being sleep-deprived is a great way to completely lose it. Better figure out where the nearest public restroom is before you have that meltdown, kid, or you're going to be stuck frozen in the middle of the hallway or crying your eyes out like a three year old in front of a bunch of college students who are younger and a great deal more emotionally mature than you are.
What I want to do is really get interested in what we're studying. I know I could. I do, sometimes. I've asked questions that the profs didn't know the answers to. (They are actually very good profs; it's just that I have a knack for asking things that nobody knows yet.) And in anatomy class, we're studying the nervous sytem. I mean, the nervous system! You know, neuroscience? The same thing that's been a special interest of mine for longer than I can remember?! And here I sit, just barely able to concentrate well enough to write this post, with all that information in my textbook when it should be in my head. Every once in a while, somehow, I'll be able to concentrate, and suddenly I start categorizing and organizing information and connecting it to make new facts and integrating it with everything else I know. Those are the times I live for.
I feel like I am not living up to my potential. I feel like I should have at least gotten a master's degree by now--and not just gotten the degree, but really learned the knowledge that comes with it. Instead, I'm sitting in classes with 18-year-olds who want to be doctors, nurses, or engineers, who accomplish more than I do, even though they care a lot less, simply because they can concentrate when they want to and I can't.
What's more frustrating is that it doesn't actually connect to sensory or environmental overload as clearly as full-on shutdown/meltdown does, so it's not (theoretically) easy to prevent like full-on meltdown is; it's more like I've suddenly become totally unmotivated, and frustrated because I know I am unmotivated and unengaged and I can't figure out how to start up again. Usually I spend the day doing stupid things I don't even really enjoy. Actually, I spent most of today that way... I fluctuate between that and hyperfocus, when the world is crystal-clear and I can make connections between anything and everything and come up with new ideas and solve problems and just about feel like a genius.
I wonder sometimes whether this is near-identical to what is experienced by people with inattentive ADHD--this sort of chronic under-arousal. What makes me think it might be is that I've found that constant motion of some sort--stimming, pacing, fidgeting--helps me to focus and tip the balance towards a more focused state. In fact, if I'm moving, it's almost always an indication that I'm thinking very hard and probably quite efficiently. But whether the movement is the cause of my increased focus or whether it simply accompanies it (which makes sense, if physical and mental alertness increase at the same time) is still up in the air.
But this zoning out is really a problem. It's a huge problem. It's affecting my life more than probably any other AS trait; and while the hyperfocus allows me to do some of my best work, the dark side of the whole thing is the dull, blank, indecisive, disorganized way I often end up spending my time. I feel like I'm losing half my life to it.
For one thing, wasting time like this instead of studying is keeping me from taking full advantage of the college education I'm fighting so hard to get. (It's not very easy for someone who is on disability to get a chance at a college education in the first place. I'm very lucky in that respect.) I'm passing my classes, but only because eventually, when a deadline comes up, I end up finally punching through the inertia and working on the project or studying for the test, last-minute. I guess the deadline gives me just enough impetus to create the focus I need. It doesn't help that it often means studying through the night. Being sleep-deprived is a great way to completely lose it. Better figure out where the nearest public restroom is before you have that meltdown, kid, or you're going to be stuck frozen in the middle of the hallway or crying your eyes out like a three year old in front of a bunch of college students who are younger and a great deal more emotionally mature than you are.
What I want to do is really get interested in what we're studying. I know I could. I do, sometimes. I've asked questions that the profs didn't know the answers to. (They are actually very good profs; it's just that I have a knack for asking things that nobody knows yet.) And in anatomy class, we're studying the nervous sytem. I mean, the nervous system! You know, neuroscience? The same thing that's been a special interest of mine for longer than I can remember?! And here I sit, just barely able to concentrate well enough to write this post, with all that information in my textbook when it should be in my head. Every once in a while, somehow, I'll be able to concentrate, and suddenly I start categorizing and organizing information and connecting it to make new facts and integrating it with everything else I know. Those are the times I live for.
I feel like I am not living up to my potential. I feel like I should have at least gotten a master's degree by now--and not just gotten the degree, but really learned the knowledge that comes with it. Instead, I'm sitting in classes with 18-year-olds who want to be doctors, nurses, or engineers, who accomplish more than I do, even though they care a lot less, simply because they can concentrate when they want to and I can't.