Trying to make decision about ADHD meds
OK, so basically I grew up in a household that didn't believe in psychologists. My mom knew I had Asperger's type autism, and she knew I was hyperactive and scattered, but she didn't do anything about it because she thought there was no such thing as either one. It only got called "bad behavior".
Fast-forward. I'm nineteen. A psychiatrist with an autistic son immediately recognizes the Asperger's, but only after I manage to flunk out of college.
Age twenty-five, and I've gotten back into college--but only after ending up on disability because I can't keep a job for longer than a couple of months. Turns out I have problems with all sorts of things--especially organization, concentration, and planning. It can take me forever to clean a room, or I could get stuck on something and keep doing it for long after I should have stopped--even long after I wanted to stop. Sound familiar? It should--all those things are common in people with ADHD, even after they've "grown out of" the hyperactivity.
I'm succeeding in college now. I get a lot of extra help--tutoring from profs once in a while, somebody to help me organize, and a quiet, distraction-free room and extra time to take tests. It helps. I can show my true ability now--because my biggest talent is in science, and I'm studying engineering, and now I don't have to worry about freezing or drifting off into daydreams during a test, because I have extra time to pull myself back and start working again, and to check for careless mistakes that happen when I'm not paying attention. Plus, I don't get distracted by the guy next to me scratching his pencil against his paper, and I'm free to fidget as much as I want to without worrying I'll disturb someone else.
Thing is, I put a lot more effort into this stuff than most people do. I take four hours on an assignment it takes somebody else half an hour to do. I procrastinate so much that only after the pressure of having to get something done NOW has gotten past the inertia can I be productive, and even then it often ends up as an all-nighter. Plus, a lot of my study strategies are explicitly aimed at either using or working around the problems I have with managing myself--which can be good when I'm taking advantage of the scatter-brained creativity, but not so good when my strategy for a research paper is, "Wait until it absolutely has to be done, then hope for nine hours of hyperfocus".
I've tried meds before. One kind was simply ineffective; another didn't allow me to use that creativity that I've integrated into all sorts of different learning strategies. Sure, I was focused on one thing; but it felt like tunnel vision, not like the hyperfocus that happens when I do my best work.
But this can't go on--not if I want to get a job and work like the other people in my class will be doing when we graduate. I won't always have somebody to help me organize; and while I can do a project the night before it's due and still get an A, that won't help me when the projects start to be things you can't do in one night.
I'm scared to death of failing again. On the other hand, I'm not at all happy about the idea of having to re-structure my entire system of studying--which I've been using for twenty-five years to work around and even take advantage of ADHD traits--to work with the different sort of cognition you get when you're on stimulants.
What makes me think I might need to start asking about medication again is that, oddly enough, I'm more focused when I drink coffee, without losing creativity. Coffee is a stimulant, just like most ADHD meds are, and if I were given too high a dose of the stimulant medications when I first tried them, I might have been overmedicated. What if I'm over-sensitive to ADHD meds? What if, with a low dose--the dose they give to toddlers--I might be able to get the same effect I do from coffee, or maybe even a better effect than from coffee?
Plus--coffee is addictive. I don't mean "addictive" as in "I have to have this and I'll do anything to get it", but "after a while you need more to get the same effect, and if you stop, you get withdrawal headaches". To avoid getting addicted to coffee and needing to drink ten cups for any effect, I can't drink any for three days a week, nor more than a small amount. The prescribed stimulants don't cause tolerance like that; when I took them, I had no withdrawal effects when I stopped. I'd like not to worry about tolerance.
Here's the real kicker. A few weeks ago, when I really needed to study for a test, I cut one of my old stimulant pills in half and only took half. I ended up studying pretty well and getting a very good grade--a 98%, I think. But for all I know, that's the placebo effect working. If you want something very badly, it often happens even if the pills are pretty ineffective.
So here's the question... Should I ask my psychiatrist to consider trying stimulants again? Or should I keep working with what I've got, since I'm finally getting good grades again?
Fast-forward. I'm nineteen. A psychiatrist with an autistic son immediately recognizes the Asperger's, but only after I manage to flunk out of college.
Age twenty-five, and I've gotten back into college--but only after ending up on disability because I can't keep a job for longer than a couple of months. Turns out I have problems with all sorts of things--especially organization, concentration, and planning. It can take me forever to clean a room, or I could get stuck on something and keep doing it for long after I should have stopped--even long after I wanted to stop. Sound familiar? It should--all those things are common in people with ADHD, even after they've "grown out of" the hyperactivity.
I'm succeeding in college now. I get a lot of extra help--tutoring from profs once in a while, somebody to help me organize, and a quiet, distraction-free room and extra time to take tests. It helps. I can show my true ability now--because my biggest talent is in science, and I'm studying engineering, and now I don't have to worry about freezing or drifting off into daydreams during a test, because I have extra time to pull myself back and start working again, and to check for careless mistakes that happen when I'm not paying attention. Plus, I don't get distracted by the guy next to me scratching his pencil against his paper, and I'm free to fidget as much as I want to without worrying I'll disturb someone else.
Thing is, I put a lot more effort into this stuff than most people do. I take four hours on an assignment it takes somebody else half an hour to do. I procrastinate so much that only after the pressure of having to get something done NOW has gotten past the inertia can I be productive, and even then it often ends up as an all-nighter. Plus, a lot of my study strategies are explicitly aimed at either using or working around the problems I have with managing myself--which can be good when I'm taking advantage of the scatter-brained creativity, but not so good when my strategy for a research paper is, "Wait until it absolutely has to be done, then hope for nine hours of hyperfocus".
I've tried meds before. One kind was simply ineffective; another didn't allow me to use that creativity that I've integrated into all sorts of different learning strategies. Sure, I was focused on one thing; but it felt like tunnel vision, not like the hyperfocus that happens when I do my best work.
But this can't go on--not if I want to get a job and work like the other people in my class will be doing when we graduate. I won't always have somebody to help me organize; and while I can do a project the night before it's due and still get an A, that won't help me when the projects start to be things you can't do in one night.
I'm scared to death of failing again. On the other hand, I'm not at all happy about the idea of having to re-structure my entire system of studying--which I've been using for twenty-five years to work around and even take advantage of ADHD traits--to work with the different sort of cognition you get when you're on stimulants.
What makes me think I might need to start asking about medication again is that, oddly enough, I'm more focused when I drink coffee, without losing creativity. Coffee is a stimulant, just like most ADHD meds are, and if I were given too high a dose of the stimulant medications when I first tried them, I might have been overmedicated. What if I'm over-sensitive to ADHD meds? What if, with a low dose--the dose they give to toddlers--I might be able to get the same effect I do from coffee, or maybe even a better effect than from coffee?
Plus--coffee is addictive. I don't mean "addictive" as in "I have to have this and I'll do anything to get it", but "after a while you need more to get the same effect, and if you stop, you get withdrawal headaches". To avoid getting addicted to coffee and needing to drink ten cups for any effect, I can't drink any for three days a week, nor more than a small amount. The prescribed stimulants don't cause tolerance like that; when I took them, I had no withdrawal effects when I stopped. I'd like not to worry about tolerance.
Here's the real kicker. A few weeks ago, when I really needed to study for a test, I cut one of my old stimulant pills in half and only took half. I ended up studying pretty well and getting a very good grade--a 98%, I think. But for all I know, that's the placebo effect working. If you want something very badly, it often happens even if the pills are pretty ineffective.
So here's the question... Should I ask my psychiatrist to consider trying stimulants again? Or should I keep working with what I've got, since I'm finally getting good grades again?