Help, I'm checking my e-mail and I can't stop!
So this morning I went to a career fair... first time in my life... I've been trying to find an internship for the summer.
Doesn't help that finals start tomorrow, and I've been trying all week to force myself to study. Mixed success.
Doesn't help that I couldn't find my shirt, my new dress shoes made my feet hurt, and I couldn't figure out how to dress properly. "Business dress"? What does that mean? My best shirt has a toothpaste stain. Have to use duct tape to get the cat hair off my pants. Then my second best shirt turns out to be too small. I can't walk in the shoes. Have to take them off.
Really doesn't help that I had to leave my backpack behind. I didn't realize I depended on a comfort object, but I guess I do. My backpack--and its toolbox of contingency supplies--is always with me.
Needless to say, I ended up with a pretty classic shutdown/meltdown combo. I stopped before I even entered the career fair (lucky me that it didn't actually happen in there), and the shoes and resume ended up in the trash. My feet were already hurting and those were the most comfortable formal shoes I could find. Besides, my shirt felt all wrong and I feel worse without my backpack than without my clothes.
Had back-up shoes. Black canvas tennis shoes. Wore them instead.
Ended up going to the disability services office and standing there for about five minutes trying to figure out how to produce enough words to ask for help, and then being led through the career fair by one of the counselors. Bet that made a great impression. At least now career fairs aren't completely new-thing to me and won't be so frightening next time. I have a few business cards and some people have my resume. I have absolutely no idea what I said to any of the recruiters.
Lucky to drive home without shutting down and ending up in an accident. Granted, I have never shut down while driving. But when I got home I slept for four hours. That's always a sign of severe overload, when you have had enough sleep the night before, and I had.
I thought I was going to be able to study but then I ended up wasting time for six more hours, unable to stop using the computer for things I don't even find interesting. I kept on telling myself, I should study, I should study, and I couldn't figure out how to stop. I spent an entire day doing boring useless stuff.
Now I'm stuck. I have a final in seven and a half hours, I haven't slept yet, and I haven't studied for it yet. If I study, I'll be horribly tired tomorrow. If I sleep, I'll be horribly unprepared.
This happens all the time. I can't get myself to study when I want to study. The stress load piles up for weeks and then it's like I can't do anything useful anymore--not even the things I like to do, like reading about a subject I'm interested in or playing a game that takes thought. I'm just stuck doing useless things, easy things, like Solitaire or making mindless posts on forums.
I only managed to break myself off that a few minutes ago, and start writing this blog post. That's a good thing. You can only write a blog post for so long before you finish it and you have to stop.
I still can't figure out how to go to bed or start studying. I'm serious. Getting up and doing anything else is like a totally insurmountable task. Like you suddenly stuck a differential equation in front of a kindergarten kid.
I can't concentrate, I haven't eaten a decent nutritious meal in weeks, I can't get myself to study, I've been doing entirely too much and now I'm paying for it by being able to do entirely too little... And it's finals week next week.
I keep telling myself I'm lazy and I should just get up and do it. But how do I start?
Breaking away from getting stuck on things before 3 a.m., when it happens, is lucky. Sometimes I start something like cleaning the house and I can't stop until I finish. The problem with the computer is that there's always something more to do and it's hard to stop. Books are just as bad. Last week I kept on staying up until I finished the book. Some of the books have thousand pages or more. Sometimes I don't get sleep. I don't know if that will happen tonight. It's 1:30. If I can get off after I finish this blog post I might be successful. I need enough sleep but sometimes I keep doing something and don't stop and don't sleep even though I'm horribly tired and I haven't hardly got any brain left to think with at all.
Plan.
Once I finish this post I will post it and then I will immediately close the window and turn of the computer. I have to remember to do that automatic and right away because if I do anything else I will be caught again.
If I get off, I can go to the bathroom. I've been needing to go for a few hours now. That's easy. I can do that. Then when I pass the washing machine I will remember to take off my clothes and put them in, which should make me cold enough to remember to put on my pajamas, which should hopefully trigger my bedtime routine because that's what I always do next...
Alarm clock. Probably 5 a.m. That's four hours of sleep but I had a nap today so maybe it won't be so bad. I need to study or I'll fail completely.
There... I think I have a plan.
I hope.
Another meltdown tomorrow? Maybe. Probably. Hopefully after I finish the test. I should prevent them. Usually it's only once or twice a month. Multiple times per week, not good. If I don't look for a job I can't stay in school because they are making me prove I'm looking or they won't help me stay in. But ignoring school would be stupid because that's the whole point of looking for a job. And then there's the autism advocacy stuff and my apartment to keep clean and I've completely dropped cooking altogether... a person is not supposed to live on granola bars and vending machine food. You know it's getting bad when cooking ramen takes too much effort. I'm glad I put cat box cleaning in my morning lineup. At least the cats are getting fed. Even though sometimes they have to eat out of the storage box. I keep missing appointments I'm supposed to go to. My class attendance has gotten spotty too.
This is ridiculous. I am not functioning very well at all right now and I need a solution before my head explodes or something. I just know I am NOT going to drop college.
*ETA: Comments on this are shut down due to spam targeting this entry. Sorry guys. PM me and I'll allow 'em for a day.
Doesn't help that finals start tomorrow, and I've been trying all week to force myself to study. Mixed success.
Doesn't help that I couldn't find my shirt, my new dress shoes made my feet hurt, and I couldn't figure out how to dress properly. "Business dress"? What does that mean? My best shirt has a toothpaste stain. Have to use duct tape to get the cat hair off my pants. Then my second best shirt turns out to be too small. I can't walk in the shoes. Have to take them off.
Really doesn't help that I had to leave my backpack behind. I didn't realize I depended on a comfort object, but I guess I do. My backpack--and its toolbox of contingency supplies--is always with me.
Needless to say, I ended up with a pretty classic shutdown/meltdown combo. I stopped before I even entered the career fair (lucky me that it didn't actually happen in there), and the shoes and resume ended up in the trash. My feet were already hurting and those were the most comfortable formal shoes I could find. Besides, my shirt felt all wrong and I feel worse without my backpack than without my clothes.
Had back-up shoes. Black canvas tennis shoes. Wore them instead.
Ended up going to the disability services office and standing there for about five minutes trying to figure out how to produce enough words to ask for help, and then being led through the career fair by one of the counselors. Bet that made a great impression. At least now career fairs aren't completely new-thing to me and won't be so frightening next time. I have a few business cards and some people have my resume. I have absolutely no idea what I said to any of the recruiters.
Lucky to drive home without shutting down and ending up in an accident. Granted, I have never shut down while driving. But when I got home I slept for four hours. That's always a sign of severe overload, when you have had enough sleep the night before, and I had.
I thought I was going to be able to study but then I ended up wasting time for six more hours, unable to stop using the computer for things I don't even find interesting. I kept on telling myself, I should study, I should study, and I couldn't figure out how to stop. I spent an entire day doing boring useless stuff.
Now I'm stuck. I have a final in seven and a half hours, I haven't slept yet, and I haven't studied for it yet. If I study, I'll be horribly tired tomorrow. If I sleep, I'll be horribly unprepared.
This happens all the time. I can't get myself to study when I want to study. The stress load piles up for weeks and then it's like I can't do anything useful anymore--not even the things I like to do, like reading about a subject I'm interested in or playing a game that takes thought. I'm just stuck doing useless things, easy things, like Solitaire or making mindless posts on forums.
I only managed to break myself off that a few minutes ago, and start writing this blog post. That's a good thing. You can only write a blog post for so long before you finish it and you have to stop.
I still can't figure out how to go to bed or start studying. I'm serious. Getting up and doing anything else is like a totally insurmountable task. Like you suddenly stuck a differential equation in front of a kindergarten kid.
I can't concentrate, I haven't eaten a decent nutritious meal in weeks, I can't get myself to study, I've been doing entirely too much and now I'm paying for it by being able to do entirely too little... And it's finals week next week.
I keep telling myself I'm lazy and I should just get up and do it. But how do I start?
Breaking away from getting stuck on things before 3 a.m., when it happens, is lucky. Sometimes I start something like cleaning the house and I can't stop until I finish. The problem with the computer is that there's always something more to do and it's hard to stop. Books are just as bad. Last week I kept on staying up until I finished the book. Some of the books have thousand pages or more. Sometimes I don't get sleep. I don't know if that will happen tonight. It's 1:30. If I can get off after I finish this blog post I might be successful. I need enough sleep but sometimes I keep doing something and don't stop and don't sleep even though I'm horribly tired and I haven't hardly got any brain left to think with at all.
Plan.
Once I finish this post I will post it and then I will immediately close the window and turn of the computer. I have to remember to do that automatic and right away because if I do anything else I will be caught again.
If I get off, I can go to the bathroom. I've been needing to go for a few hours now. That's easy. I can do that. Then when I pass the washing machine I will remember to take off my clothes and put them in, which should make me cold enough to remember to put on my pajamas, which should hopefully trigger my bedtime routine because that's what I always do next...
Alarm clock. Probably 5 a.m. That's four hours of sleep but I had a nap today so maybe it won't be so bad. I need to study or I'll fail completely.
There... I think I have a plan.
I hope.
Another meltdown tomorrow? Maybe. Probably. Hopefully after I finish the test. I should prevent them. Usually it's only once or twice a month. Multiple times per week, not good. If I don't look for a job I can't stay in school because they are making me prove I'm looking or they won't help me stay in. But ignoring school would be stupid because that's the whole point of looking for a job. And then there's the autism advocacy stuff and my apartment to keep clean and I've completely dropped cooking altogether... a person is not supposed to live on granola bars and vending machine food. You know it's getting bad when cooking ramen takes too much effort. I'm glad I put cat box cleaning in my morning lineup. At least the cats are getting fed. Even though sometimes they have to eat out of the storage box. I keep missing appointments I'm supposed to go to. My class attendance has gotten spotty too.
This is ridiculous. I am not functioning very well at all right now and I need a solution before my head explodes or something. I just know I am NOT going to drop college.
*ETA: Comments on this are shut down due to spam targeting this entry. Sorry guys. PM me and I'll allow 'em for a day.