my eyes are closing fast
but i cant seem to make myself get into bed.
too busy worrying and thinking and day dreaming... though it is night. im not dreaming though. unfortunately.
ive been on such a rollercoaster with my fucking emotions. i want this, i dont want this, i should have done this, why did i do that, blah blah blah BLAAAAAHHH
ive really missed my mom a lot. i need her support. her sturdy, unwavering encouragement, comfort, and assurance that im on the right track and there's nothing wrong with me and i'll be fine and everything will turn out ok. im so god damn emotional all of a sudden and i hate it. i just sometimes feel like a fuck up for no reason. im doing well. im doing fine. so why am i flipping out? PMSing? maybe. its just i fucked up my schedule, and now i might have to take summer courses, and my mom wasnt happy and i hate it when she tells me " you should have done it sooner, it could have been taken care of, I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN" and then she realizes im crying on the other line and adds "but dont be down about it, it'll all work out." its not even that big of a deal. its not like she was mean about it. just something hit me hard and its like, i couldnt handle it. i knew what i did. i knew i couldnt fix it. and now i have to figure a way to deal with it. im just being a drama queen. i know it. i need maggie. i havent talked to her in days. maybe even a week. thats never happened. and the worst part is, neither of us is doing anything about it. that hurts the most. i feel like, maybe i dont have a best friend anymore. what the hell is happening?? i thought we were gonna live together. be best friends forever. but we're drifting. it wasnt supposed to happen like this and its killing me. doesnt she need me? dont i need her? maybe she doesnt. maybe shes finally found a way to move on without me and start an eliana "lite" life. im probably just overexaggerating again. as usual. ill probably talk to her tomorrow, tell eachother how much we miss eachother, how shes gonna come visit me, how ill be in LA soon, sushi mac, cupcakes, the usual. im sure in the morning ill be fine. ill probably erase this entry and suck it up and realize im a big fat cry baby with nothing to cry about.
but until the morning.
goodnight.
too busy worrying and thinking and day dreaming... though it is night. im not dreaming though. unfortunately.
ive been on such a rollercoaster with my fucking emotions. i want this, i dont want this, i should have done this, why did i do that, blah blah blah BLAAAAAHHH
ive really missed my mom a lot. i need her support. her sturdy, unwavering encouragement, comfort, and assurance that im on the right track and there's nothing wrong with me and i'll be fine and everything will turn out ok. im so god damn emotional all of a sudden and i hate it. i just sometimes feel like a fuck up for no reason. im doing well. im doing fine. so why am i flipping out? PMSing? maybe. its just i fucked up my schedule, and now i might have to take summer courses, and my mom wasnt happy and i hate it when she tells me " you should have done it sooner, it could have been taken care of, I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN" and then she realizes im crying on the other line and adds "but dont be down about it, it'll all work out." its not even that big of a deal. its not like she was mean about it. just something hit me hard and its like, i couldnt handle it. i knew what i did. i knew i couldnt fix it. and now i have to figure a way to deal with it. im just being a drama queen. i know it. i need maggie. i havent talked to her in days. maybe even a week. thats never happened. and the worst part is, neither of us is doing anything about it. that hurts the most. i feel like, maybe i dont have a best friend anymore. what the hell is happening?? i thought we were gonna live together. be best friends forever. but we're drifting. it wasnt supposed to happen like this and its killing me. doesnt she need me? dont i need her? maybe she doesnt. maybe shes finally found a way to move on without me and start an eliana "lite" life. im probably just overexaggerating again. as usual. ill probably talk to her tomorrow, tell eachother how much we miss eachother, how shes gonna come visit me, how ill be in LA soon, sushi mac, cupcakes, the usual. im sure in the morning ill be fine. ill probably erase this entry and suck it up and realize im a big fat cry baby with nothing to cry about.
but until the morning.
goodnight.