Practice Rant Follows; Do Not Take Seriously

Oct 13, 2004 09:33

I am not a sports fan. This is a given. Not everyone is cut out to follow intense media-generated rivalries between random assortments of people who represent a given geographical region that most likely is not even their own. Not everyone has the stamina to sit for hours in a stadium watching the classic rules-hindered battles between men and women. Not everyone thinks that $500 for Super Bowl tickets is a pretty good deal.

I am not everyone. My personal sport of choice would be ping-pong, but that's a narrative for another day.

Why do I dislike professional sports so much? I'm sure it does not go back to those days in grade school when I was always picked last to be on a kickball team, or those days when I was a scrawny 90-pound weakling in high school (as opposed to the buff 150-pound weakling I've since grown up to become), or even those days when the popular jocks challenged me to a ski-off down the highest, most challenging slope in town.

Sports just haven't quite been the same since the Olympics. And I'm not talking two months ago when that scrawny twig-legged Russian bit got all huffy about her second-place finish. I'm talking ancient Greece, when a large number of burly naked men got all physical with each other for a simple laurel wreath. Hmm, maybe that wasn't such a good example.

Why sports at all? Competition is good for the individual, and entertainment is good for the masses. People watch sports to be entertained, and this is an understandable human trait. I like entertainment as much as the next guy. I want some fun in my life to compensate for a dreary 9-5 salaried job with commute. And this, the "entertainment" factor, is where I start to lose touch with the reality of sports. For instance, baseball. A typical moment in the game looks like this:

"Aaaaand Pitcher X steps up to the mound. He's got fire in his eyes, and a record that's flashing on the bottom of your screen which means nothing unless you have a PhD in statistical mathematics. He's signalling to the catcher... and he's signalling back. I think that was the "Can we get a younger hooker after the game this time?" call. Batter X is swinging and ready. He's looking pretty grim, pretty focused, pretty "I'm not hungover I'm not hungover I'm not hungover" intense, if you ask me. Pitcher X is winding up... and there's the throw! Batter X swings... and misses! The crowd boos, and deservedly so; they know that it'll be five minutes before the next pitch is thrown."

Look at all that wasted time there! All that boring, non-entertaining time! Whatever happened to efficiency? The Europeans understand this concept and have attempted to perfect it in the form of rugby, where the action doesn't stop until someone is disemboweled on the field. Now that's excitement. Baseball lacks a certain... disemboweling quality. More motion. Really, only golf beats baseball for sheer non-action moments. Observe the math: You have 4 men playing 18 holes. They swing at most 4 times per hole. At most, because they're professionals. That's 288 swings total. Average swing time from pull back to the ball not moving anymore is 5 seconds. Total: 1440 seconds. 24 minutes. And yet golf tournaments take up 3 hours of TV time. There's 156 minutes there that could be filled with golfers beating each other with clubs, attempting to knock each others balls out of play (and you can take that however you wish), or even playing a game of baseball.

Another issue with sports addresses certain aspects of the legal system. Mike Tyson, Allen Iverson, Kobe Bryant, Pete Rose, O.J.Simpson, Darryl Strawberry and many others have attempted to flaunt the law as a result of their deified icon status. This is just plain wrong. No one is above the law, even if he can throw a pigskin 120 yards. Shenanigans on them and all like them. Once again, let us look to Europe. Football (that's soccer to some of you) stars don't commit crimes. They just incite their fans to commit crimes. We should once again take a page from Europe's book of style and apply it to our ways. The players must be role models. The fans are the ones entitled to go psycho. England, I'm talking to you.

Yet another quirk of professional sports is the aspect of compensation. Sports are entertainment, like I said. It is a good service, one that should be duly recognized. But I begin to question that recognition when players are earning salaries that number in the millions for the sole purpose of swinging a stick at a ball in an attempt to hit it really far. Millions of dollars for that. Education is not relevant. Just hit ball with stick. And you have entire teams of people doing that. But wait, that's not all. In many cases, these annual salaries are supplemented by merchandising and product placement and other commercialistic functions. Michael Jordan was perhaps the king of endorsement income, and there are many others who follow his lead. But wait, there's more. In case the multimillion-dollar salaries and advertising bonuses aren't enough, players and teams frequently GO ON STRIKE TO DEMAND HIGHER SALARIES!!! Now, I agree that supporting a coke habit is an expensive prospect, bail can on occasion be surprisingly high, and quality hookers don't come cheap. I'd want adequate funds to support my drugs and whores too. But it takes a pretty impressive set of cajones to demand a raise for your $10M salary just for that.

For comparison: The President of the United States of America, who has arguably one of the most important, complicated, and difficult jobs on the face of the planet, earns an annual salary (as of 20 January 2001) of $400,000. Not even half a million dollars.

What about the Olympics, you might ask? That's not really professional sports. True, very true. I do love the Olympics. Generally, that puts me in a sporting mood. The ultimate in global competition, as the best athletes from all over come together to challenge each other and themselves in the biggest sporting event ever. Yes, the Olympics are fun. But at the same time, I have to admit that I'm a technician and a snob, and that occasionally discolors my view of the Olympics. How does a team win a game of soccer/football? By scoring more points. How does a ski jumper win his event? By jumping the farthest. How does a sprinter earn the gold? By running the fastest. How does a figure skater win their event? By not falling on their butt. And looking good. And doing pretty moves. And being from a country the judges like. Hmmm... this is where it gets shady. Subjective judging can only lead to controversy and questions. You cannot argue with a clock or a distance ruler. Those are absolute figures. Leave it to humans to judge, and they'll mess it up every time. Humans are funny that way. Maybe a panel of robot judges would be better. We have the technology; we can build them.

In summary, I don't actually hate sports. They serve a purpose, and a valuable one at that. They just need a bit of revision to make them... better. And so, until that day comes, I deem professional sports to be naughty in my sight, and demand that ping-pong gain greater recognition.

Disclaimer: This was an exercise. But feel free to debate the merits of sports below; I'm open to discussion.

rant, serious

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