Kenya, Part Three
This would be the last of the boring work-related entries. Next stop: Fun time!
28 Nov 09 - Saturday is fun day at the office! Only with 100% less fun. Although it might have started out with Copper bringing some bananas back to the office and luring monkeys close with them for good pictures. And monkey movies. I guess that's where the two movie links from yesterday came in. I just can’t stress how exciting it is to have monkeys frolicking outside one’s office on a daily basis.
Monkey! He jumps! He frolics!
As another surprise, customs obstinately refuses to hand over our shipment. Figures, the one bunch of people who are doing their job well are the people we'd most like NOT to do their jobs well. Morals and ethics, begone!
We finish the day with a dinner "at home" - we buy some food at the local supermarket, and some wine, and Boss, Titan, Cyber, and I have a home-made meal at our apartment. Cheap and easy, my favoritest phrase ever.
29 Nov 09 - Just another manic Sunday! Cyber spends the day poolside because he is officially on vacation. He gets burned to the point where he looks like a cooked lobster. Apparently the direct sunlight of the equator is significantly more powerful than that of the southwestern United States. I may or may not have laughed at him.
We should, at this point, mention that Cyber and I are officially fans of Classic 105, Nairobi's number one radio station for good music. Or so they claim. It's like being time-warped back to the 80's and early 90's and hearing all the songs that the USA considered awesome. Every morning, without fail, we'd have a moment of "Holy crap, haven't heard this song in forever...". Ok, I had it more often because I was much older. But that's beside the point.
The other point was, in the mornings, Classic 105's radio host was a man named Maina. Maina was their version of a "shock jock", I think, asking crazy questions of his audience and inviting them to call in. Now, being numbed by the horror of daytime television and the wondrous specimens of humanity that litter the Jerry Springer playing field, most of Maina's questions were tame in comparison. But he tackled them with such ferocious energy and elicited such energetic responses that you couldn't help but listen with baited breath as he carried forward with his subject matter.
The prime example started, I think, on the 25th: "Now, I was talking with a friend of mine, ok? And he said he was going to a therapist. I say 'Man, what you need a therapist for?' [you have to imagine Maina speaking with a kind of Jamaican accent. You also have to realize that almost everyone in Kenya is bilingual with English and Swahili, and so they switch between the two languages constantly while talking. So we missed a few bits here and there.] He say 'Maina, my friend, my wife is driving me crazy.' I say 'Man, your wife is making you so crazy you need a therapist?' Now I ask you, my friends, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A WOMAN TO DRIVE A MAN TOTALLY MAD?"
Now, anyone with about thirty seconds worth of experience with Western Culture knows that, yes, it is indeed possible. But that's not the issue. And the story does not end there.
The following day, we're in our car, and Maina is back and better than ever. "Ok, my friends, listen up. You all heard yesterday about my friend who was going to see a therapist because his wife was driving him mad. I asked you, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A WOMAN TO DRIVE A MAN TOTALLY MAD? And you called and told me that you thought it was, and that it happened. But some of you ladies called me too and said no, more often it is the man who drives the woman mad! The man does crazy things, things that do not make sense, and he does not know what he is doing, and he drives his woman crazy! Now I ask you, all you other ladies, IS THIS TRUE? CAN A MAN ALSO DRIVE A WOMAN INSANE?"
At this point Cyber and I are literally breaking our own fingers in an effort not to call Maina and offer our opinions. It was SO GODDAM TEMPTING. But the story is still not finished.
The following day, we're driving to the office again, and our main man Maina is unstoppable. "My friends, I have some amazing news for you. The past two days, we have heard about both men and women who drive their partners insane. They literally drive their partner mad. But then yesterday another lady called and she had this to say. [cue a recording of a woman calling into Maina's programme, but it was all in Swahili, which made Cyber and me sad.] Now, can you believe that? She went to a mchawi, and he gave her something to put in her man's food, and it made him totally controlled. In this day and age, she went to a mchawi, a witch doctor, and he cast a spell on her man. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THIS? LADIES, DOES THIS WORK? HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT? Call me and let me know!"
Cyber and I immediately declare Maina to be our hero.
30 Nov 09 - Twas the day before the conference, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except us and our crazy customers and nothing that resembles our shipment of equipment. Hey, that rhymes. Cyber is notably subdued as sunburn makes him scratchy. In the evening, he gets a cab to the airport. Exactly ten minutes after he leaves, our shipment arrives. This is called high irony.
We never heard from Cyber again, so we assume he landed safely. That seemed like the logical conclusion to make.
1 Dec 09 - Opening Day. Very few problems face us, oddly enough. We expected much worse. Three cheers for rampant professionalism! Also, we get invited to the Prime Minister’s lunch for delegations. Om nom nom local food is tasty. Except for potato like roots, which are kinda bland. But still. At least I didn’t get food poisoning.
Same can’t be said for Copper, who showed up that morning almost pale, and spent half the day in the bathroom and the other half passed out in his seat. He said he had 108 fever the night before. Moral of the story: EAT NOTHING.
To date, Plotter and I are the only ones who have not succumbed to food poisoning. We’re counting down our hours.
2 Dec 09 - We get SOOPER SEKRIT AXSESS to the Comissary, a duty-free market located on UNON grounds. I may or may not have purchased an unhealthy amount of Cadbury chocolate. I may or may not also go later to purchase more. Once again, OM NOM NOM.
I decide to schedule a massage for myself, just because it’s cheap and easy. All I can say is OH SO RELAXING. $20 for an hour? I’ve seen worse.
We get invited to the Minister for Planning’s state dinner, so off we go. Lots of tasty food, and a big fancy show with traditional dancers. It was like Vegas. We cleverly left before the speeches and the boring parts, and got home for packing. Soon our official functions will be complete, and then we can get down to some real vacation.
3 Dec 09 - End of Conference. We expected no difficulties. But the day still started with a moment of shock as Titan and I got to the office. I open my desk drawer and something large and dark moves inside. Now, I’m a manly man, complete with testosterone, facial hair, and a penis. But since my brain immediately said “AFRICAN DEATH SPIDER” I of course screamed “JESUS CHRIST!” like a small female child. Titan, shocked by my outburst, also screamed “WHAT?” The security officer in charge in the next office looked over to see what was wrong. Then I realized that my aggressor was really a lizard about the length of my pinky. I was suitably embarrassed. The security officer spent the rest of the morning laughing at both of us.
Most of the day was spent cleaning up our materials, packing up our shipment (which essentially meant taking the labels off the box and putting on new labels, without ever opening the damn box; stupid shipment), throwing out unwanted files and stuff, and saying adios to our local colleagues.
Eventually, after a few hassles, we finished our duties and left our office for the last time. We went to the National Museum of Nairobi, which taught us a bit about anthropology and biology, as well as a lot about birds (which would come in handy later). The evening was spent packing, because the next day marked the beginning of Vacation Time. And vacation is good.
Our next entry will begin the fun part: Safari Time in Kenya. Save up some bandwidth, because it'll be photo-heavy.
Oh, one last thing for everyone who wanted to know about BIG FLOPPY ZEBRA DICK POSTCARDS: Here it is.
28 Nov 09 - Saturday is fun day at the office! Only with 100% less fun. Although it might have started out with Copper bringing some bananas back to the office and luring monkeys close with them for good pictures. And monkey movies. I guess that's where the two movie links from yesterday came in. I just can’t stress how exciting it is to have monkeys frolicking outside one’s office on a daily basis.
Monkey! He jumps! He frolics!
As another surprise, customs obstinately refuses to hand over our shipment. Figures, the one bunch of people who are doing their job well are the people we'd most like NOT to do their jobs well. Morals and ethics, begone!
We finish the day with a dinner "at home" - we buy some food at the local supermarket, and some wine, and Boss, Titan, Cyber, and I have a home-made meal at our apartment. Cheap and easy, my favoritest phrase ever.
29 Nov 09 - Just another manic Sunday! Cyber spends the day poolside because he is officially on vacation. He gets burned to the point where he looks like a cooked lobster. Apparently the direct sunlight of the equator is significantly more powerful than that of the southwestern United States. I may or may not have laughed at him.
We should, at this point, mention that Cyber and I are officially fans of Classic 105, Nairobi's number one radio station for good music. Or so they claim. It's like being time-warped back to the 80's and early 90's and hearing all the songs that the USA considered awesome. Every morning, without fail, we'd have a moment of "Holy crap, haven't heard this song in forever...". Ok, I had it more often because I was much older. But that's beside the point.
The other point was, in the mornings, Classic 105's radio host was a man named Maina. Maina was their version of a "shock jock", I think, asking crazy questions of his audience and inviting them to call in. Now, being numbed by the horror of daytime television and the wondrous specimens of humanity that litter the Jerry Springer playing field, most of Maina's questions were tame in comparison. But he tackled them with such ferocious energy and elicited such energetic responses that you couldn't help but listen with baited breath as he carried forward with his subject matter.
The prime example started, I think, on the 25th: "Now, I was talking with a friend of mine, ok? And he said he was going to a therapist. I say 'Man, what you need a therapist for?' [you have to imagine Maina speaking with a kind of Jamaican accent. You also have to realize that almost everyone in Kenya is bilingual with English and Swahili, and so they switch between the two languages constantly while talking. So we missed a few bits here and there.] He say 'Maina, my friend, my wife is driving me crazy.' I say 'Man, your wife is making you so crazy you need a therapist?' Now I ask you, my friends, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A WOMAN TO DRIVE A MAN TOTALLY MAD?"
Now, anyone with about thirty seconds worth of experience with Western Culture knows that, yes, it is indeed possible. But that's not the issue. And the story does not end there.
The following day, we're in our car, and Maina is back and better than ever. "Ok, my friends, listen up. You all heard yesterday about my friend who was going to see a therapist because his wife was driving him mad. I asked you, IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A WOMAN TO DRIVE A MAN TOTALLY MAD? And you called and told me that you thought it was, and that it happened. But some of you ladies called me too and said no, more often it is the man who drives the woman mad! The man does crazy things, things that do not make sense, and he does not know what he is doing, and he drives his woman crazy! Now I ask you, all you other ladies, IS THIS TRUE? CAN A MAN ALSO DRIVE A WOMAN INSANE?"
At this point Cyber and I are literally breaking our own fingers in an effort not to call Maina and offer our opinions. It was SO GODDAM TEMPTING. But the story is still not finished.
The following day, we're driving to the office again, and our main man Maina is unstoppable. "My friends, I have some amazing news for you. The past two days, we have heard about both men and women who drive their partners insane. They literally drive their partner mad. But then yesterday another lady called and she had this to say. [cue a recording of a woman calling into Maina's programme, but it was all in Swahili, which made Cyber and me sad.] Now, can you believe that? She went to a mchawi, and he gave her something to put in her man's food, and it made him totally controlled. In this day and age, she went to a mchawi, a witch doctor, and he cast a spell on her man. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THIS? LADIES, DOES THIS WORK? HAVE YOU EVER TRIED IT? Call me and let me know!"
Cyber and I immediately declare Maina to be our hero.
30 Nov 09 - Twas the day before the conference, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except us and our crazy customers and nothing that resembles our shipment of equipment. Hey, that rhymes. Cyber is notably subdued as sunburn makes him scratchy. In the evening, he gets a cab to the airport. Exactly ten minutes after he leaves, our shipment arrives. This is called high irony.
We never heard from Cyber again, so we assume he landed safely. That seemed like the logical conclusion to make.
1 Dec 09 - Opening Day. Very few problems face us, oddly enough. We expected much worse. Three cheers for rampant professionalism! Also, we get invited to the Prime Minister’s lunch for delegations. Om nom nom local food is tasty. Except for potato like roots, which are kinda bland. But still. At least I didn’t get food poisoning.
Same can’t be said for Copper, who showed up that morning almost pale, and spent half the day in the bathroom and the other half passed out in his seat. He said he had 108 fever the night before. Moral of the story: EAT NOTHING.
To date, Plotter and I are the only ones who have not succumbed to food poisoning. We’re counting down our hours.
2 Dec 09 - We get SOOPER SEKRIT AXSESS to the Comissary, a duty-free market located on UNON grounds. I may or may not have purchased an unhealthy amount of Cadbury chocolate. I may or may not also go later to purchase more. Once again, OM NOM NOM.
I decide to schedule a massage for myself, just because it’s cheap and easy. All I can say is OH SO RELAXING. $20 for an hour? I’ve seen worse.
We get invited to the Minister for Planning’s state dinner, so off we go. Lots of tasty food, and a big fancy show with traditional dancers. It was like Vegas. We cleverly left before the speeches and the boring parts, and got home for packing. Soon our official functions will be complete, and then we can get down to some real vacation.
3 Dec 09 - End of Conference. We expected no difficulties. But the day still started with a moment of shock as Titan and I got to the office. I open my desk drawer and something large and dark moves inside. Now, I’m a manly man, complete with testosterone, facial hair, and a penis. But since my brain immediately said “AFRICAN DEATH SPIDER” I of course screamed “JESUS CHRIST!” like a small female child. Titan, shocked by my outburst, also screamed “WHAT?” The security officer in charge in the next office looked over to see what was wrong. Then I realized that my aggressor was really a lizard about the length of my pinky. I was suitably embarrassed. The security officer spent the rest of the morning laughing at both of us.
Most of the day was spent cleaning up our materials, packing up our shipment (which essentially meant taking the labels off the box and putting on new labels, without ever opening the damn box; stupid shipment), throwing out unwanted files and stuff, and saying adios to our local colleagues.
Eventually, after a few hassles, we finished our duties and left our office for the last time. We went to the National Museum of Nairobi, which taught us a bit about anthropology and biology, as well as a lot about birds (which would come in handy later). The evening was spent packing, because the next day marked the beginning of Vacation Time. And vacation is good.
Our next entry will begin the fun part: Safari Time in Kenya. Save up some bandwidth, because it'll be photo-heavy.
Oh, one last thing for everyone who wanted to know about BIG FLOPPY ZEBRA DICK POSTCARDS: Here it is.