This Post Is Complete Nonsense
This post really has no purpose, except that comment fields are limited to 4300 characters. This post is dedicated to the_wanlorn as a result of her post here.
[PROLOGUE]
"Mulder..."
"Not now, Scully, it's the aliens!"
"For once you're right, you crackpot. Illegal aliens. They're crossing the border-"
"From space? From a parallel dimension? From the spirit world?"
"No, from Mexico, dumbass. INS reports an increase in border crossings lately, especially by plane."
"By plane? Or by UFO?"
"GODDAMMIT JUST SHUT UP ALREADY. I'm only in this episode because of my rampant sexiness and you know it. The point is, FBI says that there's some cult that's been smuggling its members across the border. Weird cult, into old Aztec rituals and beliefs, including human sacrifice and serpent worship. Homeland Security's asked us to investigate."
"This seems more like a job for the FBI."
"I hate you so much."
***
[BORDER PATROL, TEXAS]
"Agent Mulder, Agent Scully, welcome. I'm Special Agent Johnson."
"YOU'RE WITH THEM, AREN'T YOU? CANCER MAN BOUGHT YOUR SORRY ASS AND NOW HE-"
*zzzzzzt*
*Scully pockets tazer; Mulder twitches*
"Sorry about that. You were saying, Johnson?"
"...yes. These modern-day Aztecs have been crossing the border with forged passports. We think they're trying to build up their cult following in Texas and Arizona. We've had air marshals try to find them, but we've lost quite a few on flight. Poisoned, according to autopsies. Snake venom."
"They carry snake venom on board? What happened to that liquids ban?"
"Don't get topical with me, Agent Scully. Honestly, we can't figure out what's gone on, and the FBI assured us that the two of you were good at this sort of thing, so here you are."
"Great. Mulder, you there?"
"Ssss.... snakes... planes..."
"First smart thing you've said all episode. So let me guess: you want us to pose as air marshals and track down some of these cultists and find out what happened, what is happening, and what their plan is?"
"All in the next 45 minutes with commercials, ma'am. Excellent recap."
"It's a good thing I'm ridiculously sexy."
***
[AEROMEXICO FLT 69]
"There's our target, Mulder."
"How can you tell? Does he have the black oil eyes? Is he a Gray?"
"I was thinking more of the feathered headdress and snake tattoos."
"Oooh, nice detective work. I figured he was with those other three guys just like him in the back half of the plane."
"There's more of them?"
"Oh yeah. I think I saw a few in first class too. Think they're connected?"
"GOD DAMN you are so dumb."
"We could just shoot them."
"Homeland Security confiscated our guns, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Ironic, isn't it?"
"I'll have to agree with you there. Let's try and get them one at a time."
"Ok. HEY YOU! With the feathers! Can we talk to you?"
"BY QUETZLCOATL YOU SHALL DIE!"
*toss*
"Holy crap, he's got a huge snake in his pants!"
"Scully, you shouldn't be talking about stuff like that. It makes me feel funny inside."
"Seriously! Look! He just tossed that anaconda at the crowd!"
*crowd screams; someone probably dies*
*more screams*
"There's something happening in the back section! More snakes!"
"Are they alien snakes?"
"Well, they're definitely illegal."
"That's all the excuse I need!" *grabs anaconda and whips Aztec with it*
"That's creepy and yet strangely exciting, Mulder. Go save the passengers in first class!"
***
[AM69, FIRST CLASS]
"Everybody down! FBI! Where's the weirdo?"
"He's got the captain!"
"That sucks."
*captain dies*
"That really sucks."
"FOR QUETZLCOATL!"
*Aztec tosses rattler at Mulder; Mulder dodges and tosses anaconda. Anaconda wins; flawless victory; fatality.*
"What do you guys want? Did the Black Oil aliens do this? How is Cancer Man involved? Tell me about the conspiracy!"
"And we thought we were the wackjobs... You will die for Quetzlcoatl!"
*transforms into snake-man-bird thing and hisses menacingly*
***
[COMMERCIAL BREAK; THE X-FILES IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY COKE, EXCEPT AFTER SEASON 4, WHERE IT SUCKED AND WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DIET TAB.]
***
[AM69, COACH COMPARTMENT]
"Well, my rampant sexiness and actual skills defeated all the snakes and Aztecs in Coach class. Luckily I killed them all so Mulder won't have any weirdoes to support his conspiracy theories."
*dramatic pause*
"OH SHIT, He's still in first class! There could be survivors! I've got to stop that!"
"Girl, where you goin? You be mighty fine! You could be joinin' me an' my ladeez in the streets, if y-"
"Sir, is that real leopard print you're wearing?"
"It is, and you can have some too if y-"
"Shut up and give me your jacket."
***
[AM69, FIRST CLASS]
"Holy shit, that dude totally turned into a snake-man-bird-thing. Which is like what Quetzlcoatl was in Aztec Mythology, for those of you joining us at home who are not familiar with the Aztec pantheon. Guess that explains the episode title more fully, doesn't it?"
"Don't move, Mulder! I'll save this script!"
"HISSSSS?"
*translation: "Damn, that redhead is FINE!"*
"QUETZLCOATL, FLEE!"
*Scully pulls jacket overhead*
"GRRRROOOAAAARRRRR! I WANT THESE MOTHERFUCKING AZTEC SNAKE GODS OFF THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!"
"HIISSSSSSS!!!! HSSSS!"
*translation: "Crap, how did he get here? Flee!"*
*Snake-man-bird-thing busts out window*
*DEPRESSURIZED OH NOES!*
"Pilot us down Mulder! HURRY! It's a dramatic moment and we're out of commercial breaks!"
"Got it!"
*Mulder promptly does one good thing this episode and brings plane to safety*
*All passenger witnesses died, got sucked out, or missed the action*
***
[EPILOGUE]
"What was with the jacket, Scully?"
"Everyone knows that Quetzlcoatl the Winged Serpent and Tezcatlipoca the Leopard God were archrivals. He had to flee."
"I wonder where he went."
"I'm sure he'll show up next season."
"You do know we're going to get sued for saying 'Motherfucker' on prime time."
"That's ok, this is Fox. It'll be taken care of."
***
[CANCER MAN'S OFFICE]
"Send our agents into the networks. Delete all traces of the word 'motherfucker' from this episode. No one must know."
[FIN]
[PROLOGUE]
"Mulder..."
"Not now, Scully, it's the aliens!"
"For once you're right, you crackpot. Illegal aliens. They're crossing the border-"
"From space? From a parallel dimension? From the spirit world?"
"No, from Mexico, dumbass. INS reports an increase in border crossings lately, especially by plane."
"By plane? Or by UFO?"
"GODDAMMIT JUST SHUT UP ALREADY. I'm only in this episode because of my rampant sexiness and you know it. The point is, FBI says that there's some cult that's been smuggling its members across the border. Weird cult, into old Aztec rituals and beliefs, including human sacrifice and serpent worship. Homeland Security's asked us to investigate."
"This seems more like a job for the FBI."
"I hate you so much."
***
[BORDER PATROL, TEXAS]
"Agent Mulder, Agent Scully, welcome. I'm Special Agent Johnson."
"YOU'RE WITH THEM, AREN'T YOU? CANCER MAN BOUGHT YOUR SORRY ASS AND NOW HE-"
*zzzzzzt*
*Scully pockets tazer; Mulder twitches*
"Sorry about that. You were saying, Johnson?"
"...yes. These modern-day Aztecs have been crossing the border with forged passports. We think they're trying to build up their cult following in Texas and Arizona. We've had air marshals try to find them, but we've lost quite a few on flight. Poisoned, according to autopsies. Snake venom."
"They carry snake venom on board? What happened to that liquids ban?"
"Don't get topical with me, Agent Scully. Honestly, we can't figure out what's gone on, and the FBI assured us that the two of you were good at this sort of thing, so here you are."
"Great. Mulder, you there?"
"Ssss.... snakes... planes..."
"First smart thing you've said all episode. So let me guess: you want us to pose as air marshals and track down some of these cultists and find out what happened, what is happening, and what their plan is?"
"All in the next 45 minutes with commercials, ma'am. Excellent recap."
"It's a good thing I'm ridiculously sexy."
***
[AEROMEXICO FLT 69]
"There's our target, Mulder."
"How can you tell? Does he have the black oil eyes? Is he a Gray?"
"I was thinking more of the feathered headdress and snake tattoos."
"Oooh, nice detective work. I figured he was with those other three guys just like him in the back half of the plane."
"There's more of them?"
"Oh yeah. I think I saw a few in first class too. Think they're connected?"
"GOD DAMN you are so dumb."
"We could just shoot them."
"Homeland Security confiscated our guns, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Ironic, isn't it?"
"I'll have to agree with you there. Let's try and get them one at a time."
"Ok. HEY YOU! With the feathers! Can we talk to you?"
"BY QUETZLCOATL YOU SHALL DIE!"
*toss*
"Holy crap, he's got a huge snake in his pants!"
"Scully, you shouldn't be talking about stuff like that. It makes me feel funny inside."
"Seriously! Look! He just tossed that anaconda at the crowd!"
*crowd screams; someone probably dies*
*more screams*
"There's something happening in the back section! More snakes!"
"Are they alien snakes?"
"Well, they're definitely illegal."
"That's all the excuse I need!" *grabs anaconda and whips Aztec with it*
"That's creepy and yet strangely exciting, Mulder. Go save the passengers in first class!"
***
[AM69, FIRST CLASS]
"Everybody down! FBI! Where's the weirdo?"
"He's got the captain!"
"That sucks."
*captain dies*
"That really sucks."
"FOR QUETZLCOATL!"
*Aztec tosses rattler at Mulder; Mulder dodges and tosses anaconda. Anaconda wins; flawless victory; fatality.*
"What do you guys want? Did the Black Oil aliens do this? How is Cancer Man involved? Tell me about the conspiracy!"
"And we thought we were the wackjobs... You will die for Quetzlcoatl!"
*transforms into snake-man-bird thing and hisses menacingly*
***
[COMMERCIAL BREAK; THE X-FILES IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY COKE, EXCEPT AFTER SEASON 4, WHERE IT SUCKED AND WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY DIET TAB.]
***
[AM69, COACH COMPARTMENT]
"Well, my rampant sexiness and actual skills defeated all the snakes and Aztecs in Coach class. Luckily I killed them all so Mulder won't have any weirdoes to support his conspiracy theories."
*dramatic pause*
"OH SHIT, He's still in first class! There could be survivors! I've got to stop that!"
"Girl, where you goin? You be mighty fine! You could be joinin' me an' my ladeez in the streets, if y-"
"Sir, is that real leopard print you're wearing?"
"It is, and you can have some too if y-"
"Shut up and give me your jacket."
***
[AM69, FIRST CLASS]
"Holy shit, that dude totally turned into a snake-man-bird-thing. Which is like what Quetzlcoatl was in Aztec Mythology, for those of you joining us at home who are not familiar with the Aztec pantheon. Guess that explains the episode title more fully, doesn't it?"
"Don't move, Mulder! I'll save this script!"
"HISSSSS?"
*translation: "Damn, that redhead is FINE!"*
"QUETZLCOATL, FLEE!"
*Scully pulls jacket overhead*
"GRRRROOOAAAARRRRR! I WANT THESE MOTHERFUCKING AZTEC SNAKE GODS OFF THIS MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!"
"HIISSSSSSS!!!! HSSSS!"
*translation: "Crap, how did he get here? Flee!"*
*Snake-man-bird-thing busts out window*
*DEPRESSURIZED OH NOES!*
"Pilot us down Mulder! HURRY! It's a dramatic moment and we're out of commercial breaks!"
"Got it!"
*Mulder promptly does one good thing this episode and brings plane to safety*
*All passenger witnesses died, got sucked out, or missed the action*
***
[EPILOGUE]
"What was with the jacket, Scully?"
"Everyone knows that Quetzlcoatl the Winged Serpent and Tezcatlipoca the Leopard God were archrivals. He had to flee."
"I wonder where he went."
"I'm sure he'll show up next season."
"You do know we're going to get sued for saying 'Motherfucker' on prime time."
"That's ok, this is Fox. It'll be taken care of."
***
[CANCER MAN'S OFFICE]
"Send our agents into the networks. Delete all traces of the word 'motherfucker' from this episode. No one must know."
[FIN]