Stop Pretending (That You're Still Breathing)
Title: Stop Pretending (That You're Still Breathing)
Author: chaostheorem
Team: Angst
Prompt: Lies, Fear
Word Count: 2,379
Rating: R
Beta: eternalsojourn She probably deserves to be named as a collaborator for the amount of work she did ♥
Warnings: Strong language, adult themes (happy ending)
Notes: Title taken from Ellie Goulding's "Your Biggest Mistake." Sequel to "Love Is a Murder," but can be read as a standalone.
Summary: Eames knew he made a mistake leaving Arthur. He just hoped it wasn't too late to fix it.
Originally posted here at ae_match
Eames knocked on the door, foregoing the doorbell for a chance to release some of his nervous energy. He was expecting the door to be slammed in his face as soon as it was opened, but he had to try.
Eames heard footsteps approaching the door. It didn’t open immediately, and Eames knew he was being observed through the peephole. He offered a nervous smile, and the door finally opened.
“Eames? What are you doing here?”
Meeting Cobb’s surprised gaze, Eames answered honestly. “I need to talk to you about Arthur.”
“And you came to me because…?” Cobb asked. He crossed his arms across his chest and leaned against the doorway, subtly blocking Eames from entering the house.
“Because Arthur once said I was welcome here.”
“Yeah, well, Arthur said a lot of things about you once. Doesn’t mean they’re still true.”
Eames sighed. “Let me in, Cobb. We both know you’re going to.”
Cobb glared at Eames for several seconds in the way that only he can, as if by squinting his eyes he could see right into Eames. “Not quite yet,” he said. “You haven’t given me a good enough reason.”
Eames was quickly losing patience, but he calmed himself. He was here for Arthur and he was going to do this properly. “We need to talk because I made a mistake when I left Arthur.”
Cobb looked a bit surprised by Eames’s admission, his eyes widening. “All right, we can talk,” he agreed, standing aside. “But you won’t like what I have to say.”
The warning made Eames want to turn tail and run. Arthur had moved on. His heart felt like it was about to implode, and knowing it was no one’s fault but his own only amplified the pain.
Cobb led him into the family room, sitting in a recliner and waving Eames towards the couch. Eames noted the distinct lack of any offer of refreshments. Once seated, Eames found that he didn’t know what to say.
“Eames?” Cobb asked impatiently.
“This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come.” Eames stood up and made to leave.
“You’re already here. Just say what you wanted to say.”
“No,” Eames insisted. “Arthur’s moved on. I’ll respect that and leave him alone.”
Eames was walking away when Cobb reached out a hand and stopped him. “Why do you say Arthur’s moved on? Have you talked to him?”
Eames shook his head. “I came to you first, in case Arthur had moved on. I didn’t see any reason to interrupt his life if I wouldn’t be welcome even the smallest bit.”
“But what makes you think he’s moved on?”
“You said that I wouldn’t like what you had to say. What am I supposed to think?”
Cobb shook his head slightly and pointed towards the couch again. “I said that because I don’t think you’re good enough for Arthur. You don’t know how many times I’ve told him to find someone else.”
Still standing, Eames tried not to let himself get his hopes up, but he couldn’t help it. “But…” he prompted.
Cobb sighed. “But he hasn’t. He spent the first three months you were gone insisting you would return, but I think he gave up after that.”
“And for the last two months?”
“Nothing,” Cobb said with a small shrug of his shoulders. “He says he isn’t ready for another relationship, but he’s not waiting for you. He’ll find someone else eventually.”
“You think that’s what’s best for him? Someone else?” Eames asked, already knowing the answer.
“Do you honestly think you deserve him after what you did?”
Eames finally sat back down, thinking through his answer before speaking. “Deserve him? No, I don’t deserve him. But that doesn’t change how I feel about him. I would give my life for him, and there’s not many in this world I can say that about.”
Cobb stayed silent for a minute. Eventually, he sighed and seemed to deflate, his anger leaving him. “You need to talk with Arthur. He’s at the zoo with James and Phillipa right now, but they’ll be back in a couple hours. You can wait here.”
“I’ve already got a hotel,” Eames said. “I’ll wait there and talk to Arthur later.”
“All right,” Cobb said. “But before you leave, I want you to know something. If you do this to Arthur again, I will hurt you. We both know I can’t beat you in a fight, but no one is safe when they’re under.”
Eames looked at Cobb appraisingly. Nothing short of killing Arthur would cause Cobb to make good on his threat, but Eames was glad he said it anyway - glad that Arthur had people who were as loyal to him as he was to them.
Leaving the house, Eames made his way back to his hotel and willed the next few hours to pass quickly. He tried to sleep through them, but his mind wouldn’t turn off, and books and movies proved to be ineffective distractions. He took to pacing his room, and then wandered around the hotel when that became too small. He’d explored every inch of the hotel (and had to pretend to be lost when he was caught in an employees only area) before four hours had passed and he felt that he’d given Arthur enough time to get home and cleaned up.
The drive to Arthur’s seemed to take forever, but once he was parked in front of the apartment building, it felt like he’d left the hotel moments before. He was standing at a fork in the path of his life, and while he knew which one he wanted to take, it was completely Arthur’s decision.
Eames left the car and entered the building, taking the stairs to Arthur’s floor. Standing in front of Arthur’s door, he steeled himself and raised his hand and knocked.
Déjà vu gripped him as he heard Arthur come to the door and look through the peephole. The door opened and Eames got his first view of Arthur in almost half a year. Dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, his hair damp, Arthur was standing there with an unreadable expression.
“Cobb said you visited,” Arthur said when Eames didn’t say anything. “You want to talk?”
Eames swallowed and nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, we should talk.”
“Come on in, then.”
Eames stepped inside and then stopped in the entryway while Arthur locked the door behind them, unsure if he could just walk in or not.
Arthur turned and looked surprised to find Eames still standing behind him. “Has it really been so long that you’ve forgotten how to get to the living room?” he asked, his tone giving no indication as to what he was feeling.
Eames shrugged. “I wasn’t sure if I was welcome.”
“I let you in, didn’t I?”
“You did,” Eames agreed, “and please don’t think for one second that I’m not eternally grateful, but why?”
“Why what?” Arthur questioned.
“Why let me in?” Eames asked, not willing to beat around the bush any longer. “Let’s be honest, Arthur, we both know I was a right prat. Worse than that. I was -“
“An idiot,” Arthur cut in. “A jerk, an ass, a stupid motherfucker…You can take your pick.” Arthur’s words were harsh, but he said them with a slight smile.
Eames answered with a self-deprecating grin of his own. “We’ll just go with all of the above, and that will begin to cover it, yeah?” he said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.
Arthur gestured to the living room with his head. “Let’s sit down. We shouldn’t have this conversation in the hallway.”
Eames led the way down the hall and settled on the couch, a bit surprised when Arthur chose to sit next to him instead of in his own chair.
“We can skip the pleasantries, right?” Arthur asked. “Are you here to get back together?” He gave off an air of nonchalance, but he stared down at his hands instead of meeting Eames’s eyes.
“If you’ll have me,” Eames said softly.
“Remind me why I should,” Arthur said, a faint note of anger creeping into his voice. “You’re not a smart bet.”
“Maybe not in the past, but I can be. I made a mistake when I left. You were right when you said I was scared, and I think a part of me realized that and it made me angry. I blamed you for things that I didn’t understand and I ran. I’ve learned, though, and if you give me another chance, I won’t make you regret it.”
“Why now? What made you change your mind about relationships?” Arthur asked.
“I’m not sure I have,” Eames said, then winced. “That sounded wrong. I want a relationship with you, Arthur. I’ve always been in love with the bachelor life, moving from bed to bed with no strings attached, and money and a flexible identity make for easy pickings.”
“You’re not exactly helping your case, Eames,” Arthur said with a frown.
“I know, just…I’m trying to make a point, here. I never thought I would ever want to give up bachelorhood, and when we had our anniversary, I panicked, because I hadn’t even realized that what we had was a relationship.”
A look of hurt flashed across Arthur’s face. “How do you live with someone for a year and not consider that a relationship?” Arthur sighed and looked away. “Maybe you should go. I don’t think this is going to work.”
“No, Arthur, please. Just listen,” Eames begged. “I’ve spent the last five months living the supposed life of my dreams and been miserable every second. I thought of you every day, and eventually I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I enjoyed life as a bachelor, but life with you is so much better. Arthur, I love you - more than I ever thought I could love someone.”
Arthur was silent for several minutes while he thought. Despite the almost frantic need to know, Eames made no try to hurry him.
Finally, Arthur took a deep breath and began to speak. “If I was a third party observer, I would tell myself to run as far away from you as possible. You pulled a dick move, and odds are you’ll do it again.”
Eames opened his mouth to protest, but Arthur cut him off. “Let me finish,” he said. “If I was a third party, I would advise against taking you back, but I’m not. A part of me always believed you would return, and I was hoping you would. I still love you.”
Eames couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. Arthur caught sight of it and raised his hand in warning. “I’m not your toy to play with, Eames. One more fuck up like this and it won’t matter how much I love you. I will leave and never look back.”
Eames took Arthur’s words to heart, but that didn’t stop his grin from getting even bigger as he nodded. Arthur hesitantly smiled back before Eames remembered his activities during the last few months, causing his elation to disappear.
“Arthur, if we’re going to do this, you deserve to know…” Eames began before stopping, unsure of how to continue. He bit the bullet and said, “I haven’t exactly been faithful these past few months.”
Arthur’s smile faded, but he didn’t look angry. “We were broken up,” he said. “I didn’t expect you to become celibate. I didn’t.”
Years of training allowed Eames to keep his face blank, but Arthur knew him well enough to see the betrayal in his eyes.
“Don’t,” Arthur warned. “Do not make me the villain here.”
“No. No, that’s not it,” Eames said, only lying a little. “I was just surprised, is all. Cobb said you hadn’t seen anyone else.”
Arthur raised his eyebrows in amused annoyance. “Believe it or not, I don’t tell Cobb every little detail of my life. Do you think I go to his place every time I have sex and then we gossip about it like teenage girls?”
“Of course not. So…that’s it? We just pick up where we left off?”
Arthur shook his head. “Why don’t we start fresh? And this time we both know we’re in a relationship.”
Eames smiled. “Arthur, would you be terribly averse to me kissing you right now?”
“No, but I am terribly averse to you sitting all the way over there.”
Eames slid over to Arthur, turning toward him and putting one hand on Arthur’s thigh and the other on his cheek. Eames leaned in until their lips were a hairsbreadth apart. “You know,” he said thoughtfully, “I’ve never had make-up sex.”
Arthur pulled back to look Eames in the eye. “Eames, if you start picking fights just so we can have make-up sex, I will cut off your dick and feed it to a pack of dogs.”
Eames laughed. “A bit like cutting off the nose to spite the face. Sometimes I think you love my cock more than I do. And I love my cock,” he said emphatically.
“We both have every reason to,” Arthur hummed appreciatively. He leaned forward until Eames was on his back and Arthur was straddling him, hands pressing Eames's shoulders into the cushions.
“Now, Mr. Eames,” he said, looking down. “Are you prepared to admit that I am yours and you are mine? If you’re not, you had better leave this minute, because we’re not going to be able to think when we’re through. So if there’s anything else that needs to be said, say it now.”
Eames trailed his hands up and down Arthur’s thighs. “I am yours and you are mine?” he repeated questioningly. He grabbed Arthur’s hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the knuckles. “That might work.”
Arthur smiled fondly. “I think we’re going to need to do a little better than might.”
“Looking for specificity, darling? Eames asked, flashing a grin. His smile dropped slightly, became something quieter, more intimate. “I shall do my best.”
Author: chaostheorem
Team: Angst
Prompt: Lies, Fear
Word Count: 2,379
Rating: R
Beta: eternalsojourn She probably deserves to be named as a collaborator for the amount of work she did ♥
Warnings: Strong language, adult themes (happy ending)
Notes: Title taken from Ellie Goulding's "Your Biggest Mistake." Sequel to "Love Is a Murder," but can be read as a standalone.
Summary: Eames knew he made a mistake leaving Arthur. He just hoped it wasn't too late to fix it.
Originally posted here at ae_match
Eames knocked on the door, foregoing the doorbell for a chance to release some of his nervous energy. He was expecting the door to be slammed in his face as soon as it was opened, but he had to try.
Eames heard footsteps approaching the door. It didn’t open immediately, and Eames knew he was being observed through the peephole. He offered a nervous smile, and the door finally opened.
“Eames? What are you doing here?”
Meeting Cobb’s surprised gaze, Eames answered honestly. “I need to talk to you about Arthur.”
“And you came to me because…?” Cobb asked. He crossed his arms across his chest and leaned against the doorway, subtly blocking Eames from entering the house.
“Because Arthur once said I was welcome here.”
“Yeah, well, Arthur said a lot of things about you once. Doesn’t mean they’re still true.”
Eames sighed. “Let me in, Cobb. We both know you’re going to.”
Cobb glared at Eames for several seconds in the way that only he can, as if by squinting his eyes he could see right into Eames. “Not quite yet,” he said. “You haven’t given me a good enough reason.”
Eames was quickly losing patience, but he calmed himself. He was here for Arthur and he was going to do this properly. “We need to talk because I made a mistake when I left Arthur.”
Cobb looked a bit surprised by Eames’s admission, his eyes widening. “All right, we can talk,” he agreed, standing aside. “But you won’t like what I have to say.”
The warning made Eames want to turn tail and run. Arthur had moved on. His heart felt like it was about to implode, and knowing it was no one’s fault but his own only amplified the pain.
Cobb led him into the family room, sitting in a recliner and waving Eames towards the couch. Eames noted the distinct lack of any offer of refreshments. Once seated, Eames found that he didn’t know what to say.
“Eames?” Cobb asked impatiently.
“This was a mistake. I shouldn’t have come.” Eames stood up and made to leave.
“You’re already here. Just say what you wanted to say.”
“No,” Eames insisted. “Arthur’s moved on. I’ll respect that and leave him alone.”
Eames was walking away when Cobb reached out a hand and stopped him. “Why do you say Arthur’s moved on? Have you talked to him?”
Eames shook his head. “I came to you first, in case Arthur had moved on. I didn’t see any reason to interrupt his life if I wouldn’t be welcome even the smallest bit.”
“But what makes you think he’s moved on?”
“You said that I wouldn’t like what you had to say. What am I supposed to think?”
Cobb shook his head slightly and pointed towards the couch again. “I said that because I don’t think you’re good enough for Arthur. You don’t know how many times I’ve told him to find someone else.”
Still standing, Eames tried not to let himself get his hopes up, but he couldn’t help it. “But…” he prompted.
Cobb sighed. “But he hasn’t. He spent the first three months you were gone insisting you would return, but I think he gave up after that.”
“And for the last two months?”
“Nothing,” Cobb said with a small shrug of his shoulders. “He says he isn’t ready for another relationship, but he’s not waiting for you. He’ll find someone else eventually.”
“You think that’s what’s best for him? Someone else?” Eames asked, already knowing the answer.
“Do you honestly think you deserve him after what you did?”
Eames finally sat back down, thinking through his answer before speaking. “Deserve him? No, I don’t deserve him. But that doesn’t change how I feel about him. I would give my life for him, and there’s not many in this world I can say that about.”
Cobb stayed silent for a minute. Eventually, he sighed and seemed to deflate, his anger leaving him. “You need to talk with Arthur. He’s at the zoo with James and Phillipa right now, but they’ll be back in a couple hours. You can wait here.”
“I’ve already got a hotel,” Eames said. “I’ll wait there and talk to Arthur later.”
“All right,” Cobb said. “But before you leave, I want you to know something. If you do this to Arthur again, I will hurt you. We both know I can’t beat you in a fight, but no one is safe when they’re under.”
Eames looked at Cobb appraisingly. Nothing short of killing Arthur would cause Cobb to make good on his threat, but Eames was glad he said it anyway - glad that Arthur had people who were as loyal to him as he was to them.
Leaving the house, Eames made his way back to his hotel and willed the next few hours to pass quickly. He tried to sleep through them, but his mind wouldn’t turn off, and books and movies proved to be ineffective distractions. He took to pacing his room, and then wandered around the hotel when that became too small. He’d explored every inch of the hotel (and had to pretend to be lost when he was caught in an employees only area) before four hours had passed and he felt that he’d given Arthur enough time to get home and cleaned up.
The drive to Arthur’s seemed to take forever, but once he was parked in front of the apartment building, it felt like he’d left the hotel moments before. He was standing at a fork in the path of his life, and while he knew which one he wanted to take, it was completely Arthur’s decision.
Eames left the car and entered the building, taking the stairs to Arthur’s floor. Standing in front of Arthur’s door, he steeled himself and raised his hand and knocked.
Déjà vu gripped him as he heard Arthur come to the door and look through the peephole. The door opened and Eames got his first view of Arthur in almost half a year. Dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, his hair damp, Arthur was standing there with an unreadable expression.
“Cobb said you visited,” Arthur said when Eames didn’t say anything. “You want to talk?”
Eames swallowed and nodded. “Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, we should talk.”
“Come on in, then.”
Eames stepped inside and then stopped in the entryway while Arthur locked the door behind them, unsure if he could just walk in or not.
Arthur turned and looked surprised to find Eames still standing behind him. “Has it really been so long that you’ve forgotten how to get to the living room?” he asked, his tone giving no indication as to what he was feeling.
Eames shrugged. “I wasn’t sure if I was welcome.”
“I let you in, didn’t I?”
“You did,” Eames agreed, “and please don’t think for one second that I’m not eternally grateful, but why?”
“Why what?” Arthur questioned.
“Why let me in?” Eames asked, not willing to beat around the bush any longer. “Let’s be honest, Arthur, we both know I was a right prat. Worse than that. I was -“
“An idiot,” Arthur cut in. “A jerk, an ass, a stupid motherfucker…You can take your pick.” Arthur’s words were harsh, but he said them with a slight smile.
Eames answered with a self-deprecating grin of his own. “We’ll just go with all of the above, and that will begin to cover it, yeah?” he said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.
Arthur gestured to the living room with his head. “Let’s sit down. We shouldn’t have this conversation in the hallway.”
Eames led the way down the hall and settled on the couch, a bit surprised when Arthur chose to sit next to him instead of in his own chair.
“We can skip the pleasantries, right?” Arthur asked. “Are you here to get back together?” He gave off an air of nonchalance, but he stared down at his hands instead of meeting Eames’s eyes.
“If you’ll have me,” Eames said softly.
“Remind me why I should,” Arthur said, a faint note of anger creeping into his voice. “You’re not a smart bet.”
“Maybe not in the past, but I can be. I made a mistake when I left. You were right when you said I was scared, and I think a part of me realized that and it made me angry. I blamed you for things that I didn’t understand and I ran. I’ve learned, though, and if you give me another chance, I won’t make you regret it.”
“Why now? What made you change your mind about relationships?” Arthur asked.
“I’m not sure I have,” Eames said, then winced. “That sounded wrong. I want a relationship with you, Arthur. I’ve always been in love with the bachelor life, moving from bed to bed with no strings attached, and money and a flexible identity make for easy pickings.”
“You’re not exactly helping your case, Eames,” Arthur said with a frown.
“I know, just…I’m trying to make a point, here. I never thought I would ever want to give up bachelorhood, and when we had our anniversary, I panicked, because I hadn’t even realized that what we had was a relationship.”
A look of hurt flashed across Arthur’s face. “How do you live with someone for a year and not consider that a relationship?” Arthur sighed and looked away. “Maybe you should go. I don’t think this is going to work.”
“No, Arthur, please. Just listen,” Eames begged. “I’ve spent the last five months living the supposed life of my dreams and been miserable every second. I thought of you every day, and eventually I couldn’t lie to myself anymore. I enjoyed life as a bachelor, but life with you is so much better. Arthur, I love you - more than I ever thought I could love someone.”
Arthur was silent for several minutes while he thought. Despite the almost frantic need to know, Eames made no try to hurry him.
Finally, Arthur took a deep breath and began to speak. “If I was a third party observer, I would tell myself to run as far away from you as possible. You pulled a dick move, and odds are you’ll do it again.”
Eames opened his mouth to protest, but Arthur cut him off. “Let me finish,” he said. “If I was a third party, I would advise against taking you back, but I’m not. A part of me always believed you would return, and I was hoping you would. I still love you.”
Eames couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. Arthur caught sight of it and raised his hand in warning. “I’m not your toy to play with, Eames. One more fuck up like this and it won’t matter how much I love you. I will leave and never look back.”
Eames took Arthur’s words to heart, but that didn’t stop his grin from getting even bigger as he nodded. Arthur hesitantly smiled back before Eames remembered his activities during the last few months, causing his elation to disappear.
“Arthur, if we’re going to do this, you deserve to know…” Eames began before stopping, unsure of how to continue. He bit the bullet and said, “I haven’t exactly been faithful these past few months.”
Arthur’s smile faded, but he didn’t look angry. “We were broken up,” he said. “I didn’t expect you to become celibate. I didn’t.”
Years of training allowed Eames to keep his face blank, but Arthur knew him well enough to see the betrayal in his eyes.
“Don’t,” Arthur warned. “Do not make me the villain here.”
“No. No, that’s not it,” Eames said, only lying a little. “I was just surprised, is all. Cobb said you hadn’t seen anyone else.”
Arthur raised his eyebrows in amused annoyance. “Believe it or not, I don’t tell Cobb every little detail of my life. Do you think I go to his place every time I have sex and then we gossip about it like teenage girls?”
“Of course not. So…that’s it? We just pick up where we left off?”
Arthur shook his head. “Why don’t we start fresh? And this time we both know we’re in a relationship.”
Eames smiled. “Arthur, would you be terribly averse to me kissing you right now?”
“No, but I am terribly averse to you sitting all the way over there.”
Eames slid over to Arthur, turning toward him and putting one hand on Arthur’s thigh and the other on his cheek. Eames leaned in until their lips were a hairsbreadth apart. “You know,” he said thoughtfully, “I’ve never had make-up sex.”
Arthur pulled back to look Eames in the eye. “Eames, if you start picking fights just so we can have make-up sex, I will cut off your dick and feed it to a pack of dogs.”
Eames laughed. “A bit like cutting off the nose to spite the face. Sometimes I think you love my cock more than I do. And I love my cock,” he said emphatically.
“We both have every reason to,” Arthur hummed appreciatively. He leaned forward until Eames was on his back and Arthur was straddling him, hands pressing Eames's shoulders into the cushions.
“Now, Mr. Eames,” he said, looking down. “Are you prepared to admit that I am yours and you are mine? If you’re not, you had better leave this minute, because we’re not going to be able to think when we’re through. So if there’s anything else that needs to be said, say it now.”
Eames trailed his hands up and down Arthur’s thighs. “I am yours and you are mine?” he repeated questioningly. He grabbed Arthur’s hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a soft kiss to the knuckles. “That might work.”
Arthur smiled fondly. “I think we’re going to need to do a little better than might.”
“Looking for specificity, darling? Eames asked, flashing a grin. His smile dropped slightly, became something quieter, more intimate. “I shall do my best.”