Stuck in a maze of promises dont know whats real or not...
...Promise you everything, they'll never lie, don't even know what it is you want so how could I ever try?
So scratch my last entry, the entire thing, I would have deleted it had it not been a pretty significant part of my life AT THE TIME. Brandon is in jail. I'm going to the University of Cincinnati full time and I think I may be falling in love with my best friend Mike. Which is a completely bad thing to do because I'm in college now and I've met so many boys and just so many people in general and I love every minute of it. Being involved makes you feel so needed, even though I am a commuter, and not living on campus, I have friends in dorms, i've partied at frat houses and done all the things a single 18 year old college girl should be doing and some things she shouldn't be. But I'm still loving every minute of it. Being that I don't smoke crack and snort cocaine anymore I've grown quite fond of alcohol. Does it mean I'm an alcoholic? NO! Does it mean I'm using that to fill the void of past enjoyed things? Maybe, but I'll take a shot of whiskey to a crack rip anytime..I think. It's just so hard when NONE of your circle of friends are going to college. When I go home early (around 12 or so) because I have class at 8 the next morning, everyone does drugs. I feel glad and sad about this, because that used to be me, and drugs are fun I'll admit some of the best times I've had I was real fucked up. But when I talk to them in the morning and they said yeah we had so much fun last night we (fill in random drug here e.g. rolls, acid, heroin, crack, coc) after you went home. The sad part is that I used to be there with them and now I'm not. because I have this whole college life they know nothing about. Me, alone, and college. And now my friends have their own life all separate from me. ONe that I'm not involved in at all. I'm torn. I feel like I'm not myself anymore, well I'm me but a new one, the college me not the high school crazy party me. Which is a sign that I am growing up so that's good, but I'm only 18 what if I'm not done partying. But I guess it's ok. I've been hardcore partying since I was 14 so I'm ready to just smoke weed and drink. It's cool. Whenever I see or smell cocaine I just..think about how I'd feel cominng down, when theres none left or when I'm outta money, thats what scares me the most is cocaine. Crack was never a big deal with me, when we did it we did it, no big deal, but cocaine for me was..everything, i loved it, I could do it alone, with carly, with carly and eric or with 3485 people, and either way it was me my white bitch, that pow wow. But coming down gets worse and worse everytime u do it, thats why it gets so bad because u don't ever wanna come down, ever. never. So I just pretend. Pretend that I'm okay and pretend that I'm happy thats what I'm best at, I could fool anyone if I wanted to. That's me, Genna with the facade of I';m so happy everything is so great I'm so wonderful. I am wonderful, I am great, I am everything I never wanted to be. And all the drugs in this world won't save me from myself. And that's it, that's the bottom line. I know it, i say it, i recite it religiously, but I know I am waiting to fall. Or maybe I allready have, and I'm now I'm just still tryig to get up. And some days I really do feel great, and the day is beautiful and my favorite songs comes on the radio and I turn it up and smile and sing and it's great. Until I think about him. And then it's done. I'm sad. OR I think about someone else. I heard Wild Angels on the radio this morning on my way to class. It was the best and worst thing that could ever happen to me. Although I was balling my eyes out driving down the beechmont hill belting out IT MUST HAVE BEEN WILD ANGELS WATCHING OVER ME AND YOU I realized it's okay that shes gone, I may never accept it but it's ok, because I can still remember what her face looked like and how much I loved her and how I will, one day, see her again. And Martina McBride reminded me of how Much i love and miss her and that's ok. I don't have to be afraid of her anymore. Of how it happened or of where she is now, because I know she's watching over me and that she is my wild angel. I never told anyone this before but after she died we found a cassette tape of her singing. Everyone started crying but they stopped when it came to the chorus, she was of course singing Wild Angels, and when the chorus came her voice sounded so beautiful. It was A cappella, or however the fuck u spell it, and it was amazing, so that song will forever be about her and I will always belt it out happily with tears in my eyes.
So anyway, thats about it. I'm gonna get a shower and head down to campus and get into something, it'd friday night there are so many parties and my friend Cameron, who is sexy and an honor student, is gonna take me party hoppin. yay for sexy smart boys who like to drink and take me out!! :) He makes me laugh, and im happy, at least for a fleeting second...
So scratch my last entry, the entire thing, I would have deleted it had it not been a pretty significant part of my life AT THE TIME. Brandon is in jail. I'm going to the University of Cincinnati full time and I think I may be falling in love with my best friend Mike. Which is a completely bad thing to do because I'm in college now and I've met so many boys and just so many people in general and I love every minute of it. Being involved makes you feel so needed, even though I am a commuter, and not living on campus, I have friends in dorms, i've partied at frat houses and done all the things a single 18 year old college girl should be doing and some things she shouldn't be. But I'm still loving every minute of it. Being that I don't smoke crack and snort cocaine anymore I've grown quite fond of alcohol. Does it mean I'm an alcoholic? NO! Does it mean I'm using that to fill the void of past enjoyed things? Maybe, but I'll take a shot of whiskey to a crack rip anytime..I think. It's just so hard when NONE of your circle of friends are going to college. When I go home early (around 12 or so) because I have class at 8 the next morning, everyone does drugs. I feel glad and sad about this, because that used to be me, and drugs are fun I'll admit some of the best times I've had I was real fucked up. But when I talk to them in the morning and they said yeah we had so much fun last night we (fill in random drug here e.g. rolls, acid, heroin, crack, coc) after you went home. The sad part is that I used to be there with them and now I'm not. because I have this whole college life they know nothing about. Me, alone, and college. And now my friends have their own life all separate from me. ONe that I'm not involved in at all. I'm torn. I feel like I'm not myself anymore, well I'm me but a new one, the college me not the high school crazy party me. Which is a sign that I am growing up so that's good, but I'm only 18 what if I'm not done partying. But I guess it's ok. I've been hardcore partying since I was 14 so I'm ready to just smoke weed and drink. It's cool. Whenever I see or smell cocaine I just..think about how I'd feel cominng down, when theres none left or when I'm outta money, thats what scares me the most is cocaine. Crack was never a big deal with me, when we did it we did it, no big deal, but cocaine for me was..everything, i loved it, I could do it alone, with carly, with carly and eric or with 3485 people, and either way it was me my white bitch, that pow wow. But coming down gets worse and worse everytime u do it, thats why it gets so bad because u don't ever wanna come down, ever. never. So I just pretend. Pretend that I'm okay and pretend that I'm happy thats what I'm best at, I could fool anyone if I wanted to. That's me, Genna with the facade of I';m so happy everything is so great I'm so wonderful. I am wonderful, I am great, I am everything I never wanted to be. And all the drugs in this world won't save me from myself. And that's it, that's the bottom line. I know it, i say it, i recite it religiously, but I know I am waiting to fall. Or maybe I allready have, and I'm now I'm just still tryig to get up. And some days I really do feel great, and the day is beautiful and my favorite songs comes on the radio and I turn it up and smile and sing and it's great. Until I think about him. And then it's done. I'm sad. OR I think about someone else. I heard Wild Angels on the radio this morning on my way to class. It was the best and worst thing that could ever happen to me. Although I was balling my eyes out driving down the beechmont hill belting out IT MUST HAVE BEEN WILD ANGELS WATCHING OVER ME AND YOU I realized it's okay that shes gone, I may never accept it but it's ok, because I can still remember what her face looked like and how much I loved her and how I will, one day, see her again. And Martina McBride reminded me of how Much i love and miss her and that's ok. I don't have to be afraid of her anymore. Of how it happened or of where she is now, because I know she's watching over me and that she is my wild angel. I never told anyone this before but after she died we found a cassette tape of her singing. Everyone started crying but they stopped when it came to the chorus, she was of course singing Wild Angels, and when the chorus came her voice sounded so beautiful. It was A cappella, or however the fuck u spell it, and it was amazing, so that song will forever be about her and I will always belt it out happily with tears in my eyes.
So anyway, thats about it. I'm gonna get a shower and head down to campus and get into something, it'd friday night there are so many parties and my friend Cameron, who is sexy and an honor student, is gonna take me party hoppin. yay for sexy smart boys who like to drink and take me out!! :) He makes me laugh, and im happy, at least for a fleeting second...