"You don't know what it's like to be a girl...
...to have this gaping hole between your legs that you yearn to have filled."
I came upon some startling information today. My stomach feels kind of..hollow when I think about it. It hurts. I can't believe it. I mean I know it's happening, I know it goes on, I mean I know how people are. But when it happens to someone you know, and you knew about it just you didnt know it was them..it hurts. It hurts that I was there, and I didn't know, and I laughed about it. Thought, oh, haha, just another night, just another person, name-less person..but this time it wasn't name-less. When random name-less skater kid becomes..becomes..I can't even describe how it feels. Hollow, thats a good word, but it doesn't come close. I know it happened a long time ago, well..a month or so..but still. I can't imagine how he must have felt..what went through his head..and what went through his head today when he told me, and the fact that i was there that night, and i knew..but i didn't know..I..god, i don't know.
I am torn. Torn between who I am now, and who I might become, vs who I was back then. Back then when he was..he meant a lot to me. One of my best friends for awhile..a lover for..a night..and now..the name-less random skater kid. The bloody, name-less random skater kid, who was scared and beaten and broken and told to crawl into the woods.
And all along, there we were, having fun, drinking, smoking, laughing..the usual..what we always do..and there, 7 minutes away my friend was being beaten. If they had known that I knew him would they even have not done it? Would they have cared? I always knew they were ruthless, and I knew what they were really like..but to me..to everyone they know..they were cool, they love us, wouldnt ever do it to us..but..what if..I don't even know where that was going..but..I..
Don't even know what to say
It's sad, and it hurts, and how can I ever look either one of them in the eye again..without feeling that pain, or seeing it in Bens eyes..Yes Ben. BEN..random, name-less skater kid has a name. and he..he is my friend. So how can I look at the people that I hang out with, the ones that i see everyday, every weekend, the ones that i drink with, party with, laugh with..how can I look them in the face. And where can I draw the strenth to say, you know what, he is my friend, he has a name, and would you have stopped if you had known.
The only thing I am glad about it that he is okay. He is scared, and he is broken..maybe he was before but..he is okay. I can't believe im so stressed about this now, but I've only just found out. I don't know what to do...I don't know what to feel. I..hope he got ass raped in jail.
I came upon some startling information today. My stomach feels kind of..hollow when I think about it. It hurts. I can't believe it. I mean I know it's happening, I know it goes on, I mean I know how people are. But when it happens to someone you know, and you knew about it just you didnt know it was them..it hurts. It hurts that I was there, and I didn't know, and I laughed about it. Thought, oh, haha, just another night, just another person, name-less person..but this time it wasn't name-less. When random name-less skater kid becomes..becomes..I can't even describe how it feels. Hollow, thats a good word, but it doesn't come close. I know it happened a long time ago, well..a month or so..but still. I can't imagine how he must have felt..what went through his head..and what went through his head today when he told me, and the fact that i was there that night, and i knew..but i didn't know..I..god, i don't know.
I am torn. Torn between who I am now, and who I might become, vs who I was back then. Back then when he was..he meant a lot to me. One of my best friends for awhile..a lover for..a night..and now..the name-less random skater kid. The bloody, name-less random skater kid, who was scared and beaten and broken and told to crawl into the woods.
And all along, there we were, having fun, drinking, smoking, laughing..the usual..what we always do..and there, 7 minutes away my friend was being beaten. If they had known that I knew him would they even have not done it? Would they have cared? I always knew they were ruthless, and I knew what they were really like..but to me..to everyone they know..they were cool, they love us, wouldnt ever do it to us..but..what if..I don't even know where that was going..but..I..
Don't even know what to say
It's sad, and it hurts, and how can I ever look either one of them in the eye again..without feeling that pain, or seeing it in Bens eyes..Yes Ben. BEN..random, name-less skater kid has a name. and he..he is my friend. So how can I look at the people that I hang out with, the ones that i see everyday, every weekend, the ones that i drink with, party with, laugh with..how can I look them in the face. And where can I draw the strenth to say, you know what, he is my friend, he has a name, and would you have stopped if you had known.
The only thing I am glad about it that he is okay. He is scared, and he is broken..maybe he was before but..he is okay. I can't believe im so stressed about this now, but I've only just found out. I don't know what to do...I don't know what to feel. I..hope he got ass raped in jail.