I am a waste of breath, of space, of time
So I'm looking at Columbia College. What an awesome summer program, I cream my panties just reading about it. But I look at the art and I wonder what the use of it is. You know, the entirity of the entertainment industry is useless. No one ever really thinks about it, but art is just a waste of time, no real use to it. But when you really think about it deep like that, all of life seems to lose meaning. What does it matter whether I live or die? Nothing would change if I were gone. Not that I'm contemplating anything, I'm loving my life right now no matter how trivial it is. But one can't help but thinking...
I've come to realize that all my life I've been preened to get into a good college. Nothing more. What do I do once I've reached that goal? Where do I go? I know I'm not supposed to know what I'm doing with my life yet, but jeez...when you don't have the slightest clue as to where you're going to end up, it seems...I don't know, scary? I don't know if I'm going to be happy doing whatever I'll be doing, cuz no matter what I do I know it will be unimportant.
Hmmm...maybe this is me trying to figure out the meaning of life and realizing there isn't one. I'm reading all these books that call to some sort of higher purpose....Walden Two, with it's utopian ideals about it not being "All for one" but "One for all". On the other hand I have The Fountainhead, which preaches the sanctity and value of the individual, which urges us all to be true to ourselves, which is written to sometimes make you feel helpless but in the end leave you in awe of our potential. And then you have Jack Kerouac, where nothing matter but living simply, learning to appreciate the most minute of joys and not be tied to the standard of living...although as far as I've read, none of his characters could live they way they do unless other people were living according to that "faulty" standard.
More immediately, I'm worried about my chances to get into a good college. I do realize that college is important to me, because I never ever want to stop learning, and I realize a good college in a good place with good people is important for that. But with things being the way they are, in the country as a whole and with me, I'm afraid that my best efforts won't be enough. My classes are really getting difficult, and so are admissions.
They say this all comes with being a teenager, all these worries about the future and the nature of things and whatnot. At least I don't have to worry about my social life. My friends are the greatest anyone could ever ask for, and my heart is in good hands. Load off my back.
I've come to realize that all my life I've been preened to get into a good college. Nothing more. What do I do once I've reached that goal? Where do I go? I know I'm not supposed to know what I'm doing with my life yet, but jeez...when you don't have the slightest clue as to where you're going to end up, it seems...I don't know, scary? I don't know if I'm going to be happy doing whatever I'll be doing, cuz no matter what I do I know it will be unimportant.
Hmmm...maybe this is me trying to figure out the meaning of life and realizing there isn't one. I'm reading all these books that call to some sort of higher purpose....Walden Two, with it's utopian ideals about it not being "All for one" but "One for all". On the other hand I have The Fountainhead, which preaches the sanctity and value of the individual, which urges us all to be true to ourselves, which is written to sometimes make you feel helpless but in the end leave you in awe of our potential. And then you have Jack Kerouac, where nothing matter but living simply, learning to appreciate the most minute of joys and not be tied to the standard of living...although as far as I've read, none of his characters could live they way they do unless other people were living according to that "faulty" standard.
More immediately, I'm worried about my chances to get into a good college. I do realize that college is important to me, because I never ever want to stop learning, and I realize a good college in a good place with good people is important for that. But with things being the way they are, in the country as a whole and with me, I'm afraid that my best efforts won't be enough. My classes are really getting difficult, and so are admissions.
They say this all comes with being a teenager, all these worries about the future and the nature of things and whatnot. At least I don't have to worry about my social life. My friends are the greatest anyone could ever ask for, and my heart is in good hands. Load off my back.