Stuck
Ever feel like no matter how purposefully you walk, you can't leave a footprint? Like you can't leave a lasting impression on anything or anyone? That your usefulness determines what you're worth as a person? That would be pretty much where I'm at right now. I feel like people look at their phones when I call and roll their eyes, that I'm more pitied than valued. I just learned to stop calling. I don't want pity, I want to feel like I mean something. Don't get me wrong, *I* feel like I have value, that I'm a good person, that I don't simply occupy space. If I didn't I wouldn't be so upset about it.
I'm sick of feeling abandoned. I'm tired of feeling like a puppy that has to do a trick before I deserve kindness or care. I'm hate being stuck without control over what happens to me. I'm almost 23 years old and I'm still virtually powerless to change anything that makes me miserable for the better; I'm constantly reminded that I'm a waste, a worthless burden, and that I'll die alone. I hate being the only one that cares enough, who's strong enough to try to stop the cycle of psychological abuse going on in my house. My would-be allies would rather vilify me for bringing up the issue, for "making it worse," and tell me to come hide under the covers in the hope that the boogieman will go away someday. Should I back down just because everyone else is scared?
I feel lost and alone. I'm a strong person. I've been through more than most people know though I rarely think about it; I just keep going. I still manage to see joy in the world, to smile and laugh and mean it. I love seeing other people happy, being a part of making it happen, and the truth is that I wish that someone cared enough to want to make me happy once in a while. I know that's a big part of the reason that I try so hard. I don't even know what I'm getting at here aside from catharsis, not that there really has to be a point, but it needs to be said.
Part of me wants to run and start over somewhere else but I'm too proud to give up. I can't leave my family even though they're driving me insane. Not to mention that I'm attached to something; the effort I guess. I'm too afraid that I'll fail there too. And then there's the plain and simple fact that, logistically speaking, it's irresponsible and damn near impossible unless I wanted to live on the street. Ugh I don't know what to do.
I'm sick of feeling abandoned. I'm tired of feeling like a puppy that has to do a trick before I deserve kindness or care. I'm hate being stuck without control over what happens to me. I'm almost 23 years old and I'm still virtually powerless to change anything that makes me miserable for the better; I'm constantly reminded that I'm a waste, a worthless burden, and that I'll die alone. I hate being the only one that cares enough, who's strong enough to try to stop the cycle of psychological abuse going on in my house. My would-be allies would rather vilify me for bringing up the issue, for "making it worse," and tell me to come hide under the covers in the hope that the boogieman will go away someday. Should I back down just because everyone else is scared?
I feel lost and alone. I'm a strong person. I've been through more than most people know though I rarely think about it; I just keep going. I still manage to see joy in the world, to smile and laugh and mean it. I love seeing other people happy, being a part of making it happen, and the truth is that I wish that someone cared enough to want to make me happy once in a while. I know that's a big part of the reason that I try so hard. I don't even know what I'm getting at here aside from catharsis, not that there really has to be a point, but it needs to be said.
Part of me wants to run and start over somewhere else but I'm too proud to give up. I can't leave my family even though they're driving me insane. Not to mention that I'm attached to something; the effort I guess. I'm too afraid that I'll fail there too. And then there's the plain and simple fact that, logistically speaking, it's irresponsible and damn near impossible unless I wanted to live on the street. Ugh I don't know what to do.