Hmm

[chaosdaemon15]

well, today has been interesting. Why? one thing really. I seem to be rebounding. no, my feelings have not changed at all toward elyse, but unfortunately, i made the mistake of talking to one person more than anyone else in this, simply because she doesent know anyone involved but me, but im beginning to like her. Of course, rebounding generally works better when the person likes you back...but oh well. ive done this before tho. it fades, and fades quickly, but im susceptible to acting followin emotion rather than thought, as had been proven many times, and im afraid i might do somthing stupid....again. my problem is majorly because of my way of feeling comfortable and normal. I like physical touch. i can sit and talk for hours to those i care about, yes, but touch is somthing im big on. i just am. I caught myself today maneuvering closer tho this person today in class, moving next to her, putting my hand on her back, and when i realised i was doing it I had to force myself away. I dont want to do this. Ive just fallen from so far, and im doing somthing i dont want to do, but at the same time, i subconsciously do. but as i think more on it, i wonder if it matters. Ive already lost one, the one i most wanted, so does it matter in the end what i do now? yes. i think it does. In the deepest part of my soul i know what i want, and what i would be willing to do for it. And i also know that i cant let myself rebound simply because ive given up on what i want. Giving up doesent mean that i no longer want it, it just means that im not going to try to have it. But, by same token, it does not mean i am going to try to have what dont really want, just so i can feel better. I think ill suffer through it rather than make another mistake. Ive made to many already, and lost far too much to lose another friendship. Control of emotion and silence in emotion are what must be shown. Here, i let it free, because i know one of them doesent read it, and i dont know if the other does, but the one i dont know, im not afraid to trust. and really, i dont care anymore who reads this. i considered making it friends only for every entry, but decided against it. and so i think ill sit for awhile and think. Of Elyse and love, of life and silence,
of right and wrong. Ive lost so much, i refuse to lose my grip on reality.