(no subject)
Be careful what you wish for.
I have recently embarked on a...a journey of self discovery? That's too cliche. What I did do is break ties with everything safe, familar and stable in my life to move back into my mother's. Okay, What that means is I gave up an apartment I loved, pets I cared about, easy access to services and internet...and my life partner. In the process, I have lost friends and family. I also broke the heart of a blameless individual. I piled up the wood, I struck the match...and I tossed it in. It was all me and I defy anyone to think otherwise.
Sometimes I'm sad, usually in my room at night when I have nothing else to occupy my mind. My approach and execution were lacking in subtlety and compassion. I deserve every bit of negative feeling directed towards me. But it still makes me unhappy to know that the fact that I broke ties with someone has blotted out every bit of good I've done in the last seven years.
Now, there are some really good things to balance it all out. Two friends from when I was a teenager have been helping me get through, and then some. I've been able to spend interrupted time with the cousin I adore. We do all the things cousins and best friends do, as well as sisters. I'm literally twice her age and it doesn't matter. So good to be able to share secrets no one else would really understand.
I started my own bank account for the first time in years. I'm saving up for my own car. The promise of the future includes my own place, and then maybe...maybe I'll have someone to share it with. I'm not making any promises to people I can't keep right now. I suppose I'm selfish, but I want to work and do my own thing as much as possible. I leave town whenever I can. I work a little at the local volunteer farm.
I have no regrets. I guess that would be the hardest for others to understand. I feel a rightness about what I'm doing that defies explanation. I created a mess to get here. But I stand by my decisions and will continue to do so. I will rightly pay the consequences.
I have recently embarked on a...a journey of self discovery? That's too cliche. What I did do is break ties with everything safe, familar and stable in my life to move back into my mother's. Okay, What that means is I gave up an apartment I loved, pets I cared about, easy access to services and internet...and my life partner. In the process, I have lost friends and family. I also broke the heart of a blameless individual. I piled up the wood, I struck the match...and I tossed it in. It was all me and I defy anyone to think otherwise.
Sometimes I'm sad, usually in my room at night when I have nothing else to occupy my mind. My approach and execution were lacking in subtlety and compassion. I deserve every bit of negative feeling directed towards me. But it still makes me unhappy to know that the fact that I broke ties with someone has blotted out every bit of good I've done in the last seven years.
Now, there are some really good things to balance it all out. Two friends from when I was a teenager have been helping me get through, and then some. I've been able to spend interrupted time with the cousin I adore. We do all the things cousins and best friends do, as well as sisters. I'm literally twice her age and it doesn't matter. So good to be able to share secrets no one else would really understand.
I started my own bank account for the first time in years. I'm saving up for my own car. The promise of the future includes my own place, and then maybe...maybe I'll have someone to share it with. I'm not making any promises to people I can't keep right now. I suppose I'm selfish, but I want to work and do my own thing as much as possible. I leave town whenever I can. I work a little at the local volunteer farm.
I have no regrets. I guess that would be the hardest for others to understand. I feel a rightness about what I'm doing that defies explanation. I created a mess to get here. But I stand by my decisions and will continue to do so. I will rightly pay the consequences.