fuck me
well, its been a while since ive updated.....not sure how to put everyhting thats happened in the past few weeks into words. lets start with the begginning of the month. the one person who i thought i could always be with and count on breaks up with me. three days later i found out that she was cheating on me with a thirty nine, thats right 39 year old that she met at her oh so wonderful new job. that went well, not to mention the fact that she did it the monday of my big eighteenth. thats one way to say happy birthday i guess. maybe she didnt wanna get me a present or something, o well. anyway ya, it was a downward spiral from there. i started cutting myself again, i didnt sleep or eat and i had constant anxiety attacks. good stuff as always. than mimi comes back into my life and shes all " i love you so very very much" so i mislead her into thinking i wanted a relationship, she found out i didnt, and now she says she can never love me again. thats stab number two. stab number three (this is the biggest one) my best friend since third grade, robert warren, died in a car accident. i seeked comfort or at least some sort of solace in courtney but as usual since the break up, she didnt give a flying fuck. that hurt too. than my second mother, ends up in the hospital from having a massive heart attack. all in all, the stress was getting unbearable. ive lost twenty pounds from lack of nourishment and don't know how im suppose to realy cope with all of this. considering the fact that its all happening within the span of about two weeks. so i desperatly try to get the one thing back that kept me going, kept me sane. and she says she cant handle anything romatnic in her life right now even though she feels so loved by this craig guy whos old enough to be her father. she says that she just wants to have fun. well im glad shes having fun, im happy that her life is going so fucking well when all i want is a hug and for her to tell me that its all gonna be ok, but you know, it doesnt matter what i feel, doesnt matter that my life has turned into one great big ball of shit, just as long as shes having fun. plus i lost my job, tha too. i went through alot to et her back. quit smoking, threw away my relationship with my father, and my friends, all for her. wroteher songs and poems and drew pictures, but none of it worked. so today, i finally snapped and told her that one day shes onna fuck the wrong guy and hes gonna beat the shit out of her. i didnt really mean it though, i know this craig guy is going to hurt her and shes gonna fall. shes gonna fall just as bad maybe even worse than i did, and the worst thing is. i kno that when she does fall, and shatter, that im gonna be there to pick up the pieces for her. i don't even want her back anymore, i told her that she burnt that bridge, i met this new girl hat my cousin introduced me too and i really like her. she has a great personality and knows every band ive ever heard of. shes an adhd kid just like me and we both have alot in common. i lie her alot and i want to start dating her, but shes really confused right now it seems so in fear of drving her away, im gonna put that decision on hold until her head clears and she knows what se wants. i dont want her to feel pressured. anyway, ya. thats about it. my life is completly fucked and it could have all been fixed by one person yet they chose to do to me what they hate the most. ignore me. when they damn well know that i would never in my life do something like that. she cheated on me, and han had the balls to ask me how i could ask her for her love back like this whole fucking thing was because i did something wrong. i dont deserve this torture, no one does. and no one that has done this to someone else deserves to be as happy as she is now. she is gonna fall hard and fast, i just hope she realizwes what shes doin is wrong before that happens. because even after all this, i know it would piss me off the most to know that she was hurt by some other guy. especially one in his age group.