The Best Deceptions
Title: The Best Deceptions
Fandom: Yu Yu Hakusho
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Kurama/Hiei
Summary: Hiei returns from the Makai to visit and Kurama pines. A bit of semi-unrequited angst/fluff. Lyrical introspective, of a sort.
Thanks go to my fabulous beta, mika_starlight who gave me very heartwarming praise when I was really indecisive about posting this. Thanks also to painfullyxdull , who stood in during one of my many impromptu editing sessions, and never complained about helping me. I love you both.
Light will cast a veil over my eyes.
The things that are revealed will serve to mask those that I wish to hide. His eyes will graze my face and I will smile. I will tell him how happy I am to see him, even as my heart clenches at the memory of his absence and my throat aches with the things I cannot say. I will smile, because light veils all things.
He will not speak, nor will he acknowledge that I have spoken. He will simply look, and I will fill the void with words, trivial and meaningless. It is unnerving, to be scrutinized in such a way. So much so that I find myself scrambling, grasping desperately for something, anything, to fill the telling nothingness. Something to distract him from his subtle dissection of my lie. It is a game, this deception, and I will always win, because I am the only one who knows the rules.
Game? Some part of me muses. What a funny name for this weight within your chest. What an odd description for the burning in your soul.
No, not a game. Never a game. But what else can I compare it to when the stakes are all so high? Perhaps a tightrope where I must walk the line just so. Say the right things, hide the right feelings, and I may keep the little bit of him that I have. But one misstep, one slipping of the veil, and everything I have with him is gone.
We begin the short trek to my home and he continues his silent, analytical stare while I prattle on cheerfully, saying all of the things one would expect me to say and almost none of the things that I wish to.
“Yusuke and Keiko have had a child... Shizuru was married to a Human in the fall... How are things with Mukuro?...”
On and on like that until finally, almost timidly, and with none of the urgency I feel, I ask, “Are you well?” And of course I receive only a grunt in response. A grunt and that God-damn stare.
Something in me flinches at the apathetic sound and I realize that while I am sick with wanting for him, while I am hollow with loneliness, he feels nothing. The knowledge brings with it a new ache, a new kind of hopelessness, but I force a little smile, tolerant and accepting. Hiei takes this in as well, and his expression changes slightly. If I didn't know better I would say that it softened.
“Yes.” And the deep current of his voice, even in such a succinct word, is soothing. My mind no longer on my agitation, I realize that I have neglected my facade. I launch into my part as carefree friend with renewed vigor, determined to compensate for any slips that I might have made.
I cannot help but wonder what he would feel if he knew. Disgust, perhaps. Or amusement. Betrayal, maybe? Not shock, certainly. He knows I am a liar, after all. He even takes a certain degree of pride in my skills. And what is one more lie when added to the tangle of a thousand years' deceptions?
I am a fool for thinking it, but part of me is disappointed that Hiei hasn't seen beyond the mask I have presented him with. Because he should know, shouldn't he? He should be the one to hear the hollow ringing beneath the ground I've lain before him; he should be the one to see the empty reflection inside the stare I give the world.
But no-one sees anything when they aren't looking for it. And to look, you have to want.
He has never wanted me.
The light is fading into smoky dusk when we reach the door to my lonely little apartment. I am eager to escape inside those familiar rooms, to flip the switch and hide within the safety of that artificial light. Out here, where the world blankets itself in darkness and hides its secrets in shadows, I feel exposed.
The hallway is long, too long, and like a nightmare I worry that I'll never reach the end. But I do, and the light switch flips with mechanical ease, bathing my world with fluorescent falsehoods. From there, it's easy. Easy to move through to the kitchen, easy to illuminate that room, easy to let lies and meaningless prattle fall from my lips, because inside these walls no reality exists save for the one that I create.
It is child's play to smile brightly, to move gracefully, to behave as I have always done for him. I can feel Hiei's energy in the room, and his presence is as much a source of comfort as it is a source of pain. It gives me the courage I need to continue, to show him the face I know he needs to see, even as I crumble behind the mask. Just a few more hours of this and I will be free to pine in private. To shut off all the lights and sit in the truths, my truths, that only exist in darkness.
What will it be, Hiei? I reach for a bamboo steamer. I know better than to ask if you're hungry. Dumplings would be quick if yo-
The words freeze in my throat as the lights flicker out. For a moment I am nothing but stiff posture and frantic eyes as I try to discern the reason for the sudden darkness. I can feel my breath quicken and shallow as the panic sets in. Is it a power outage, a blown bulb, what?
“Fox.”
His voice is no more than a whisper, but it catches my attention in a way that nothing else can. I look up, terrified and unable to hide it. Our eyes meet and whatever I'm expecting to see, (disgust, rejection, contempt) is replaced by something softer, more like affection.
I suck in a ragged breath and follow the lines of him, relaxed and at home in the darkness, to where his fingers rest on the light switch.
Oh.
And as he moves towards me, steps cautious, I know that I could never have predicted this. For all that it was my game, my show, my deception, I was blindest one of all.
The light had cast a veil over my eyes.
Fandom: Yu Yu Hakusho
Rating: T
Characters/Pairing: Kurama/Hiei
Summary: Hiei returns from the Makai to visit and Kurama pines. A bit of semi-unrequited angst/fluff. Lyrical introspective, of a sort.
Thanks go to my fabulous beta, mika_starlight who gave me very heartwarming praise when I was really indecisive about posting this. Thanks also to painfullyxdull , who stood in during one of my many impromptu editing sessions, and never complained about helping me. I love you both.
Light will cast a veil over my eyes.
The things that are revealed will serve to mask those that I wish to hide. His eyes will graze my face and I will smile. I will tell him how happy I am to see him, even as my heart clenches at the memory of his absence and my throat aches with the things I cannot say. I will smile, because light veils all things.
He will not speak, nor will he acknowledge that I have spoken. He will simply look, and I will fill the void with words, trivial and meaningless. It is unnerving, to be scrutinized in such a way. So much so that I find myself scrambling, grasping desperately for something, anything, to fill the telling nothingness. Something to distract him from his subtle dissection of my lie. It is a game, this deception, and I will always win, because I am the only one who knows the rules.
Game? Some part of me muses. What a funny name for this weight within your chest. What an odd description for the burning in your soul.
No, not a game. Never a game. But what else can I compare it to when the stakes are all so high? Perhaps a tightrope where I must walk the line just so. Say the right things, hide the right feelings, and I may keep the little bit of him that I have. But one misstep, one slipping of the veil, and everything I have with him is gone.
We begin the short trek to my home and he continues his silent, analytical stare while I prattle on cheerfully, saying all of the things one would expect me to say and almost none of the things that I wish to.
“Yusuke and Keiko have had a child... Shizuru was married to a Human in the fall... How are things with Mukuro?...”
On and on like that until finally, almost timidly, and with none of the urgency I feel, I ask, “Are you well?” And of course I receive only a grunt in response. A grunt and that God-damn stare.
Something in me flinches at the apathetic sound and I realize that while I am sick with wanting for him, while I am hollow with loneliness, he feels nothing. The knowledge brings with it a new ache, a new kind of hopelessness, but I force a little smile, tolerant and accepting. Hiei takes this in as well, and his expression changes slightly. If I didn't know better I would say that it softened.
“Yes.” And the deep current of his voice, even in such a succinct word, is soothing. My mind no longer on my agitation, I realize that I have neglected my facade. I launch into my part as carefree friend with renewed vigor, determined to compensate for any slips that I might have made.
I cannot help but wonder what he would feel if he knew. Disgust, perhaps. Or amusement. Betrayal, maybe? Not shock, certainly. He knows I am a liar, after all. He even takes a certain degree of pride in my skills. And what is one more lie when added to the tangle of a thousand years' deceptions?
I am a fool for thinking it, but part of me is disappointed that Hiei hasn't seen beyond the mask I have presented him with. Because he should know, shouldn't he? He should be the one to hear the hollow ringing beneath the ground I've lain before him; he should be the one to see the empty reflection inside the stare I give the world.
But no-one sees anything when they aren't looking for it. And to look, you have to want.
He has never wanted me.
The light is fading into smoky dusk when we reach the door to my lonely little apartment. I am eager to escape inside those familiar rooms, to flip the switch and hide within the safety of that artificial light. Out here, where the world blankets itself in darkness and hides its secrets in shadows, I feel exposed.
The hallway is long, too long, and like a nightmare I worry that I'll never reach the end. But I do, and the light switch flips with mechanical ease, bathing my world with fluorescent falsehoods. From there, it's easy. Easy to move through to the kitchen, easy to illuminate that room, easy to let lies and meaningless prattle fall from my lips, because inside these walls no reality exists save for the one that I create.
It is child's play to smile brightly, to move gracefully, to behave as I have always done for him. I can feel Hiei's energy in the room, and his presence is as much a source of comfort as it is a source of pain. It gives me the courage I need to continue, to show him the face I know he needs to see, even as I crumble behind the mask. Just a few more hours of this and I will be free to pine in private. To shut off all the lights and sit in the truths, my truths, that only exist in darkness.
What will it be, Hiei? I reach for a bamboo steamer. I know better than to ask if you're hungry. Dumplings would be quick if yo-
The words freeze in my throat as the lights flicker out. For a moment I am nothing but stiff posture and frantic eyes as I try to discern the reason for the sudden darkness. I can feel my breath quicken and shallow as the panic sets in. Is it a power outage, a blown bulb, what?
“Fox.”
His voice is no more than a whisper, but it catches my attention in a way that nothing else can. I look up, terrified and unable to hide it. Our eyes meet and whatever I'm expecting to see, (disgust, rejection, contempt) is replaced by something softer, more like affection.
I suck in a ragged breath and follow the lines of him, relaxed and at home in the darkness, to where his fingers rest on the light switch.
Oh.
And as he moves towards me, steps cautious, I know that I could never have predicted this. For all that it was my game, my show, my deception, I was blindest one of all.
The light had cast a veil over my eyes.