THE MORE PROGRESS I MAKE THE MORE IMPERFECTIONS I UNCOVER
What is CoDependence?
Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who have a common purpose. The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy and fulfilling relationships.
We gather to support and share with each other in a journey of self-discovery-learning to love the self. Living the program allows each of us to become increasingly honest with ourselves about our personal histories and our own co-dependent behaviors.
We rely upon the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions for knowledge and wisdom. These are the principles of our program and guides to developing honest and fulfilling relationships with ourselves and others.
In CoDA, we each learn to build a bridge to a higher Power of our own understanding, and we allow others the same privilege. This renewal process is a gift of healing for us. By actively working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous, we can each realize a new joy, acceptance, and serenity in our lives.
Many of us struggle with the question: What is codependence? Am I co-dependent? We offer no definition or diagnostic criteria for co-dependence. What we do offer from our experience are characteristic attitudes and behaviors that describe what our co-dependent histories have been like. We believe that recovery begins with an honest self-diagnosis. We came to accept our inability to maintain healthy and nurturing relationships with others and ourselves. We began to recognize that the cause lay in longstanding destructive patterns of living.
Patterns, Characteristics and Triggers
These patterns, characteristics and triggers are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.
Denial Patterns
- Have difficulty identifying feelings
- Minimize, alter or deny feelings
- Perceive themselves as being completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others
Low Self-Esteem Patterns
- Have difficulty making decisions
- Judge thoughts, words and actions harshly, as never being good enough
- Embarrassed to receive recognition, praise or gifts
- Unable to ask others to meet their needs or wants
- Value other people’s approval of their thoughts, feelings and behaviors over their own self-approval
- Feel unworthy or unlovable
Compliance Patterns
- Compromise values and integrity to avoid rejection and other people’s anger
- Are very sensitive to other people’s feelings and assume the same feelings
- Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long
- Place a higher value on others’ opinions and feelings
- Are afraid to express differing viewpoints or feelings
- Put aside personal interests and hobbies in order to do what others want
- Accept sex as a substitute for love
Control Patterns
- Believe most others are incapable of caring for themselves
- Attempt to convince others what they should think or feel
- Become resentful when others refuse their offers of help
- Freely offer advice and guidance without being asked
- Lavish gifts and favors on those they care about
- Use sex to gain approval and acceptance
- Have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others
Triggers of Codependency
- Dishonesty
- Talking About Others
- Obsessing
- Controlling and Manipulative Behavior
- Interpreting Others
- Self-neglect
- Comparisons statements like “I can’t do it as well as you do” or “He’s is better than I am”.
- Blaming others or refusing to take responsibility for your actions
- Polarized thinking No gray areas. Things are good or bad, right or wrong.
- Perfectionism
The path to recovery lies in identifying these and other triggers you have identified, acknowledging their power and learning new ways to relate to the world.
The Promises
I can expect a miraculous change in my life by working the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous. As I make an honest effort to work the Twelve Steps and follow the Twelve Traditions…
- I know a new sense of belonging. The feelings of emptiness and loneliness will disappear.
- I am no longer controlled by my fears. I overcome my fears and act with courage, integrity, and dignity.
- I know a new freedom.
- I release myself from worry, guilt, and regret about my past and present. I am aware enough not to repeat it.
- I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely lovable, loving and loved.
- I learn to see myself as equal partners.
- I am capable of developing and maintaining healthy and loving relationships. The need to control and manipulate others will disappear as I learn to trust those who are trustworthy.
- I learn that it is possible for me to mend, to become more loving, intimate and supportive. I have the choice of communicating with my family in a way which is safe for me and respectful of them.
- I acknowledge that I am a unique and precious creation.
- I no longer need to rely solely on others to provide my sense of worth.
- I trust a guidance I receive from my Higher Power and come to believe in my own capabilities.
- I gradually experience serenity, strength, and spiritual growth in my daily life.