(no subject)
FINE! FUCK IT! I will be brutally honest here, not by choice, this is something I do not like doing. I can handle being someone who has some small amount of wisdom to share. I can handle being someone who hears someone else’s voice in their head. I can handle being depressed and masochistic. But I just can’t handle the way I feel right now and I hate myself for it. I do not like feeling like this and I do not like other people viewing me like this, but if I don’t write it down for all of you who read this I don’t think I am going to be able to let it go.
I am scared and I hate it. I guess you could say that I am in the middle of a leap of faith (faith being a small… no… quite a big problem at the moment). I did not like my job so I left. I did not like my home group so I left. I did not like my service position so I… well yeah. It is summer so no school and my treatment center has people that do not care about staying clean and sober because they honestly don’t give a rat’s ass. All the people in my fellowship, except of a very small few, that I was friends with have vanished or look at me like some stranger they have never seen before.
Basically I feel like my support system is about as strong as a Popsicle stick and now I am 21 and temptation is just a convenient store away. So, considering that I basically have no responsibilities not very many people would miss me if I just decided to say fuck it all I am going back out and getting my misery refunded at the front door. To be honest I really only see four people caring enough to try and stop me, two I think I could slime ball with little resistance and one I could blow off entirely.
By no means do I feel like taking this course of action but opinions change and I fear the worst because I know what it was like out there, hurting so much because I numbed myself off from everyone else and was left with my paranoia, self-hatred, and abuse as the only evaluation of my worth as an actual person.
So what the fuck am I scared of? I am fucking petrified of being hurt and thinking so illogically that I fucking let my alcoholic/addict alter ego convince me it is alright. That is what is so fucked, Jack knows me better than I do. He knows alcohol is my biggest weakness, he knows what I told myself early in sobriety when I was still learning, “if this AA stuff doesn’t work by the time I am 21, fuck it I am going to fucking drink”, he knows me better that I do.
SO YEAH! I am scared… which means that I am not putting enough faith in my higher power saving my hide and helping me onto this next plateau. But I still can’t help but see how far the abyss below me falls and I don’t like it.
I am scared and I hate it. I guess you could say that I am in the middle of a leap of faith (faith being a small… no… quite a big problem at the moment). I did not like my job so I left. I did not like my home group so I left. I did not like my service position so I… well yeah. It is summer so no school and my treatment center has people that do not care about staying clean and sober because they honestly don’t give a rat’s ass. All the people in my fellowship, except of a very small few, that I was friends with have vanished or look at me like some stranger they have never seen before.
Basically I feel like my support system is about as strong as a Popsicle stick and now I am 21 and temptation is just a convenient store away. So, considering that I basically have no responsibilities not very many people would miss me if I just decided to say fuck it all I am going back out and getting my misery refunded at the front door. To be honest I really only see four people caring enough to try and stop me, two I think I could slime ball with little resistance and one I could blow off entirely.
By no means do I feel like taking this course of action but opinions change and I fear the worst because I know what it was like out there, hurting so much because I numbed myself off from everyone else and was left with my paranoia, self-hatred, and abuse as the only evaluation of my worth as an actual person.
So what the fuck am I scared of? I am fucking petrified of being hurt and thinking so illogically that I fucking let my alcoholic/addict alter ego convince me it is alright. That is what is so fucked, Jack knows me better than I do. He knows alcohol is my biggest weakness, he knows what I told myself early in sobriety when I was still learning, “if this AA stuff doesn’t work by the time I am 21, fuck it I am going to fucking drink”, he knows me better that I do.
SO YEAH! I am scared… which means that I am not putting enough faith in my higher power saving my hide and helping me onto this next plateau. But I still can’t help but see how far the abyss below me falls and I don’t like it.