observation about poly
A couple of times I've seen a monogamous couple having problems, and then they decide to go poly, and then they're broken up.
I don't think this is an accident.
Now, it's not that I think poly relationships can't work. I'm pretty sure that the deciding factor in whether any relationship can work is the combined traits of the people involved. Meaning, I think whether a relationship can work depends more on the individuals in question than the structure of that relationship.
That being said, from my casual observations on this matter, I don't think going from a monogamous relationship to a poly one as a way to try to save the relationship is a good idea. Though perhaps it can lead to a more painless breakup, more on that in a bit.
The problem is that when you have a relationship that's having problems, you've already got a relationship that's under stress. And then by making it poly, you're just adding more stress to the pile because going from mono to poly is a pretty big change that requires some mental adjustment. I think this is like having a physical structure that's already in bad condition and adding more weight on top of it for it to support.
And the mental adjustments the people in the relationship have to make? Well, specifically they have to adjust to the idea of their partner now seeing other people. Which is the exact same mental adjustment they would have to make if they were breaking up. Looking at it this way, it makes sense that going from mono to poly in an already stressed relationship would lead not to the saving of said relationship, but to the breakup of it. It's like a dress rehearsal for the final breakup, whether the people involved intend it to be or not.
But like I said before, maybe in some cases this makes it easier for some people rather than just breaking up. I can see how going from "together and doing badly" to "together and seeing other people" to finally "not together anymore" might be an easier adjustment to make than going from "together" to "not together." And the finding of other partners that going poly necessitates means that ideally you wouldn't have a period of no-partnerdom in between. This might be good, depending on your situation.
Of course, going poly could just lead to even more creative drama. And having some downtime between relationships can be a good thing as well. So whether going from mono->poly->broken up is really more painless than doing it the old-fashioned way probably varies a lot.
I don't think this is an accident.
Now, it's not that I think poly relationships can't work. I'm pretty sure that the deciding factor in whether any relationship can work is the combined traits of the people involved. Meaning, I think whether a relationship can work depends more on the individuals in question than the structure of that relationship.
That being said, from my casual observations on this matter, I don't think going from a monogamous relationship to a poly one as a way to try to save the relationship is a good idea. Though perhaps it can lead to a more painless breakup, more on that in a bit.
The problem is that when you have a relationship that's having problems, you've already got a relationship that's under stress. And then by making it poly, you're just adding more stress to the pile because going from mono to poly is a pretty big change that requires some mental adjustment. I think this is like having a physical structure that's already in bad condition and adding more weight on top of it for it to support.
And the mental adjustments the people in the relationship have to make? Well, specifically they have to adjust to the idea of their partner now seeing other people. Which is the exact same mental adjustment they would have to make if they were breaking up. Looking at it this way, it makes sense that going from mono to poly in an already stressed relationship would lead not to the saving of said relationship, but to the breakup of it. It's like a dress rehearsal for the final breakup, whether the people involved intend it to be or not.
But like I said before, maybe in some cases this makes it easier for some people rather than just breaking up. I can see how going from "together and doing badly" to "together and seeing other people" to finally "not together anymore" might be an easier adjustment to make than going from "together" to "not together." And the finding of other partners that going poly necessitates means that ideally you wouldn't have a period of no-partnerdom in between. This might be good, depending on your situation.
Of course, going poly could just lead to even more creative drama. And having some downtime between relationships can be a good thing as well. So whether going from mono->poly->broken up is really more painless than doing it the old-fashioned way probably varies a lot.