Eight Years Later...
Well now, look at this. Ol’ Derk has wandered back onto Livejournal. For the longest time now life has been a blur that felt meaningless to chronicle, but I’ve felt a stirring to try and put some sort of effort into doing just that for a couple weeks now.
So what has happened in my life in these 8 years? Well, I’m finally out of food service, a dream I’ve had for far too long. I’ve been working as a stocker at Walmart for over a year now, and I quite like the job. It can get stressful, as any job can of course, but overall the smoldering rage I felt towards going to work everyday is gone. I just show up, get assigned an area, put on some music, and toss shit on shelves. Pretty simple and for good pay.
I’m still at the house in Lucasville with Johnny, though there have been a revolving door of people here over the years. First Johnny ended up getting sent back to prison for a probation violation (it was an absurd bunch of bullshit he shouldn’t have had to go back in for but I don’t feel like going into the specifics), so I had to really scramble a number of times to find roomies so I could keep up rent on the place. For awhile now my friend Sara lived with me... remember the “nice Christian girl” I talked about before? Yeah, her. She’d really changed a lot over the years and we reconnected at an opportune time where she needed a place to stay, so I offered her a room here. It had gone really well for a long time too, but when Johnny got out she unceremoniously up and left again just like she did before. No warning, no sitting down to talk to me about wanting to leave, just fucking ditched us. It was a nasty blow and a cruel thing to do to someone you supposedly care about, but what can ya do? I’mma just put it behind me and keep looking forward. It’s not like we were dating or anything, but she’s the closest thing to a “girlfriend” I’d let myself have.
Speaking of that, I have absolutely zero desire to become entrenched in the game of romance, like... ever again. The idea of dating or getting serious with someone has become revolting. It never turns out well and I’ve found over the years that relationships just always leave me more stressed and frustrated than happy. “Oh but Derek don’t you get lonely?” No, not really. I’ve got my friends to keep me company when I do desire, my family to talk to, and plenty of video games to keep me occupied in my free time. In fact I just plain don’t have the time for a relationship if I want any time to myself when I’m at home. I spend nine hours a day at work and at least nine more devoted to sleep, then about another hour to get ready for and drive to/from work. That only leaves me so many hours a day to chill and enjoy my hobby.
Which, I’ve realized, is total escapism. And I’m so okay with it. My depression has been pretty much completely nulled by years of therapy and a good regimen of daily meds, but in its place the nihilism has really stepped up its game. But not in a bad way like everyone treats it as. When life has no inherent meaning to you, you get to create your own path in ways that people who believe in fate/destiny/divinity never could. So what do I do? I dive into as many beautiful and powerfully realized digital worlds as I can. Through them I get to see, hear, experience so much more than this world has ever given me. In fact, more and more I am coming to believe this world might also be digital, or on some level simulated. It’s an interesting theory I’ve toyed with for years after first seeing the idea fleshed out in Star Ocean 3, and as the science of physics and our understanding of space-time continues to develop, it becomes more readily believable. Wouldn’t that be a cool thing? I think so.
But yeah, most days just kinda merge together into a blurred haze of work, sleep, eat, game. And I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. Well... I can’t say it wouldn’t be cool to somehow be financially independent without having to work, but that’s unrealistic. :p I can’t say with any certainty that I’ll make a habit of posting here again, but like I said earlier, I’ve just been itching to get a few things jotted down. This is pretty meandering, but then, my thoughts usually are. Heheh. Peace out for now.
So what has happened in my life in these 8 years? Well, I’m finally out of food service, a dream I’ve had for far too long. I’ve been working as a stocker at Walmart for over a year now, and I quite like the job. It can get stressful, as any job can of course, but overall the smoldering rage I felt towards going to work everyday is gone. I just show up, get assigned an area, put on some music, and toss shit on shelves. Pretty simple and for good pay.
I’m still at the house in Lucasville with Johnny, though there have been a revolving door of people here over the years. First Johnny ended up getting sent back to prison for a probation violation (it was an absurd bunch of bullshit he shouldn’t have had to go back in for but I don’t feel like going into the specifics), so I had to really scramble a number of times to find roomies so I could keep up rent on the place. For awhile now my friend Sara lived with me... remember the “nice Christian girl” I talked about before? Yeah, her. She’d really changed a lot over the years and we reconnected at an opportune time where she needed a place to stay, so I offered her a room here. It had gone really well for a long time too, but when Johnny got out she unceremoniously up and left again just like she did before. No warning, no sitting down to talk to me about wanting to leave, just fucking ditched us. It was a nasty blow and a cruel thing to do to someone you supposedly care about, but what can ya do? I’mma just put it behind me and keep looking forward. It’s not like we were dating or anything, but she’s the closest thing to a “girlfriend” I’d let myself have.
Speaking of that, I have absolutely zero desire to become entrenched in the game of romance, like... ever again. The idea of dating or getting serious with someone has become revolting. It never turns out well and I’ve found over the years that relationships just always leave me more stressed and frustrated than happy. “Oh but Derek don’t you get lonely?” No, not really. I’ve got my friends to keep me company when I do desire, my family to talk to, and plenty of video games to keep me occupied in my free time. In fact I just plain don’t have the time for a relationship if I want any time to myself when I’m at home. I spend nine hours a day at work and at least nine more devoted to sleep, then about another hour to get ready for and drive to/from work. That only leaves me so many hours a day to chill and enjoy my hobby.
Which, I’ve realized, is total escapism. And I’m so okay with it. My depression has been pretty much completely nulled by years of therapy and a good regimen of daily meds, but in its place the nihilism has really stepped up its game. But not in a bad way like everyone treats it as. When life has no inherent meaning to you, you get to create your own path in ways that people who believe in fate/destiny/divinity never could. So what do I do? I dive into as many beautiful and powerfully realized digital worlds as I can. Through them I get to see, hear, experience so much more than this world has ever given me. In fact, more and more I am coming to believe this world might also be digital, or on some level simulated. It’s an interesting theory I’ve toyed with for years after first seeing the idea fleshed out in Star Ocean 3, and as the science of physics and our understanding of space-time continues to develop, it becomes more readily believable. Wouldn’t that be a cool thing? I think so.
But yeah, most days just kinda merge together into a blurred haze of work, sleep, eat, game. And I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way. Well... I can’t say it wouldn’t be cool to somehow be financially independent without having to work, but that’s unrealistic. :p I can’t say with any certainty that I’ll make a habit of posting here again, but like I said earlier, I’ve just been itching to get a few things jotted down. This is pretty meandering, but then, my thoughts usually are. Heheh. Peace out for now.