Ruinous Healing.
Well, I've discovered just how horrifying the extend of being without that medication now can be. Over two weeks I spent without it, I think. I can barely remember it all, it was such a confusing blur. Today, for the first time in awhile I could breathe, move, think, and see with clarity. Without the fog in my head.
And what's one of the first things that happen? A horrifying discovery in that I wrote things I did not mean about someone that I did not ever want to write such things about. Great. Grand. Fan-fucking-tastic. Because now that person is hurt tremendously and there's nothing I can say or do to fix it. Because whether I could control it or not, I still did it.
That terrifies me. That I had so little control during that period. I had mild convulsions that some research I did today at work proved to be small seizures. My body was literally withdrawing from the medication, despite it being a non-addictive substance. I had no moods; they were combined into one manic, furious, gleeful, tormented storm of confusion. I never want that to happen again. Never, ever again. I have never been so frightened in my life.
I'm sorry. I truly am sorry.
I was so worried whenever I decided to start taking this medication that I'd become dependent. My fear has come true... I can't cope with reality without it anymore. That makes me feel so bloody weak. I understand that it's a chemical imbalance in me, that it has little to do with who I actually am and more to do with my body revolting against itself, but that does little to assuage the bitterness I feel about it. Of course, that bitterness is a little more numbed now that I've got the medicine back.
I... goddammit. Just goddammit.
And what's one of the first things that happen? A horrifying discovery in that I wrote things I did not mean about someone that I did not ever want to write such things about. Great. Grand. Fan-fucking-tastic. Because now that person is hurt tremendously and there's nothing I can say or do to fix it. Because whether I could control it or not, I still did it.
That terrifies me. That I had so little control during that period. I had mild convulsions that some research I did today at work proved to be small seizures. My body was literally withdrawing from the medication, despite it being a non-addictive substance. I had no moods; they were combined into one manic, furious, gleeful, tormented storm of confusion. I never want that to happen again. Never, ever again. I have never been so frightened in my life.
I'm sorry. I truly am sorry.
I was so worried whenever I decided to start taking this medication that I'd become dependent. My fear has come true... I can't cope with reality without it anymore. That makes me feel so bloody weak. I understand that it's a chemical imbalance in me, that it has little to do with who I actually am and more to do with my body revolting against itself, but that does little to assuage the bitterness I feel about it. Of course, that bitterness is a little more numbed now that I've got the medicine back.
I... goddammit. Just goddammit.