it is what it is til it ain't anymore [2/2]

[chanyeolanda]

part 1

15.

they're both busy; solo projects coming up for jimin, yerin finding things for herself to do. she has to find things for herself, has to keep her mind occupied.

and yet sometimes she stares a bit too long at her fingers, and thinks about where they've been, thinks about them sliding jimin's panties down her legs, thinks about them on jimin's waist, in-

she can't stop, no matter how much she tries, and she doesn't know what to do.

strangely, she's not panicked. she thought she would be, thought she'd be beside herself but she feels... disconnected almost. removed from the situation, even though every feeling, every touch, every sensation is branded on her skin, every sound plays on repeat in her ears, and she remembers it in technicolour through the alcohol curtain. after waking up next to jimin, sitting up bolt upright, the beginnings of panic in her throat, her fingers shaking as she got dressed, and the steady thrum of high strung adrenaline carrying her through the day- she expected to wake up like that again, to wake up worse, to be fuelled by a stone in her throat for a long time yet. expected to wake up with a million bees buzzing in her skull.

and yet.

no panic, just a quiet acceptance, a gnawing in her stomach that they need to talk about this, it can't be ignored.

but she's a coward, so she keeps herself busy, keeps herself occupied and away from home.

cowardly as they come, but she'd never claimed to be brave.

14.

jimin's awake when yerin jolts upright. she shuts her eyes tight and pretends she isn't, forcing herself to breathe evenly until she hears the quiet click of the door, only allowing her eyes to drift open then.

all of her insistence that they need to talk has disappeared, vanished into thin air overnight, even if she knows that they really should, especially now.

but she doesn't know what to say. she can't deny she enjoyed the night before, she can't deny that she was eager as yerin seemed. but that didn't mean she knows what she feels.

and that's the thing, really, she doesn't know how she feels. she's never delved too deeply into any feelings she might have for yerin, and while a kiss can be fobbed off and spoken about, what they'd- jimin's breath hitches in her throat at the thought.

all she knows is that she needs to think about it, sort through her mind and figure out exactly what the night before meant to her.

whether she could just let it go as a one time thing.

16.

the sun is bright, and yugyeom and yerin are taking full advantage of running into each other about to take a break, lazing on the company's roof.

it's been three weeks since yerin's had a full conversation with jimin, three weeks since she'd woken up next to her, and that thought strikes her as her and yugyeom chat idly.

all of a sudden, it's all she can think about, and the urge to say something, to tell someone rises in her, the words forming in her throat and expanding in her chest until she doesn't think she'd be able to say anything else. she's tired, of hiding, of being confused, of being alone, and she just needs to tell someone, needs it so much she can barely breathe.

'i think i like girls.' her voice cracks as she pushes the words out, hurriedly, before they can disappear again, suffocate her silently. yugyeom stops midsentence at her confession, and she realises she's zoned out of what he was saying a few sentences ago. she feels a little bad, but she can't look at him just yet, choosing to stare up at the sky instead.

'oh,' yugyeom says, voice a bit of everything and not much of anything. 'um. well. same?' she lets out a breath of laughter and he joins in after a beat. 'seriously, though, i mean, that's-' he pauses, seeming to try to think of what to say. 'jimin's bi, right? so- so it's like both of you-'

'yeah, no, pretty sure i'm gay. like full on gay. completely gay,' yerin says, cutting him off, and it feels good to say. it feels good to admit it out loud, to solidly put a label on it. it's a step towards accepting it, she thinks, and wonders if she's not almost there. the thought comforts her.

'well,' yugyeom says, 'that's- i guess that's a thing.'

'yeah,' yerin says with a soft laugh. 'that is a thing. that i am.'

she hears him shift, and she knows he's sat up.

'have you- uh. have you told anyone else?' he asks cautiously, as if trying to ascertain whether to be flattered or not.

a bubble of laughter rises in her throat and bursts into the air as she shakes her head. 'no,' she tells him, 'i've never said it out loud before.'

yugyeom's silent for a few moments. 'wow,' he says, a hint of awe in his voice, 'so no one else knows?'

she allows his words to sink in, before she feels the laughter rise again, and she turns onto her side, curling into her laughter, and she's not sure there's any amusement in it.

'why are you laughing like that?' yugyeom asks, sounding alarmed, and yerin dimly registers that he knows her well enough to know this isn't normal.

she thinks she feels tears pricking at her eyelids as her laughter subsides. 'i slept with jimin,' she says. might as well put it all out there.

'uh-' yugyeom definitely sounds surprised now, his voice pitched higher than before. 'you- uh. what?'

yerin pushes herself up, sitting and looking at him. 'i slept with jimin,' she repeats, and his eyes are wide as he holds her gaze.

'when-' his forehead creases as if he's still trying to process it. 'when did this happen?'

'remember when we all tried to drink our problems away a few weeks back?'

there's a few beats, then he narrows his eyes at her. 'with bam and me sleeping in the lounge.' he doesn't really phrase it as a question, and she has the decency to look sheepish.

'yeah.'

'jesus, yerin. this is a lot.' he sounds a bit dumbfounded.

'yeah,' she says quietly.

the silence stretches out between them as she studies her fingernails, and when she looks up he's looking at her as if he's trying to figure something out.

'was it just a drunken hook-up?' he asks quietly, and now yerin doesn't know what to say.

she shifts and draws her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them and resting her chin on her knee.

'i-' she starts, and doesn't know how to continue.

'yerin,' yugyeom says softly when it's clear she's not going to add on to that.

'i know,' she says, 'i know.'

'what- what's the story here?' he asks, 'do you like her?'

it's harder than coming out, she thinks. 'i- maybe?' she says in a small voice.

'yerin.'

'yes.' she heaves a sigh. 'yeah.'

the face he makes is sympathetic. 'that's a- that's a tricky one.' another pause. 'and her? does she like you?'

yerin feels like she has dust in her lungs. 'i don't- i don't know' she admits, 'we haven't... really spoken since then.'

'you know that's not going to help anything.'

'come back to me when you've drunkenly slept with one of your members,' she snaps, just a little defensively.

'i don't have a crush on any of them,' yugyeom says dryly, and it's one thing she's always appreciated about him- he can give as good as he gets, he's not phased when her emotions calcify into verbal barbs.

she buries her face in her chest. 'i don't know.' her voice is muffled. she gives herself a few moments before she lifts her head with a sigh, letting her legs fall cross-legged. 'i don't know when it happened. it's like, i never even considered it or thought about it until i did, and then i couldn't stop thinking about it. about her and-' she breaks off. 'and now it's like- i don't know if i ever will? now that i've- that we've- i'm not going to be able to forget it. i'm not going to be able to forget how she feels, how she sounds, how she tastes-' she lets out the rest of the air in her lungs in an exhale looking up to see yugyeom staring at the ground with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. she rolls her eyes. 'stop imagining it.'

'i am trying,' yugyeom replies, a hint of laughter in his voice, 'i am trying.'

'control yourself.'

'i'm not the one who jumped a colleague,' he shoots back and yerin groans, bringing her knees up again and burying her face in her arms.

'it was such a stupid decision, when i already liked her so much,' she complains into her arms.

'i'm guessing she doesn't know? that you like her, i mean,' yugyeom says, the humour fading from his voice.

yerin winces. 'i... might have... said something about... having a crush on her during a- confrontation,' she admits, 'you guys arrived before she really reacted to it, other than-' she stops.

'other than?' yugyeom prompts.

'to remind me that she was stonecold sober the night we made out,' yerin says, her voice barely above a whisper.

'the night you- that was- you said- that night wasn't the first time you guys hooked up?'

'i make stupid decisions when drunk, apparently,' yerin mutters.

there's silence again and yerin refuses to look up to meet yugyeom's eyes.

'so you were drunk. and you... came on to her?' yerin nods at the slight question in yugyeom's voice and he continues. 'and she was sober, and you guys made out.'

yerin nods again and yugyeom sighs.

'and i'm guessing you freaked out and that's why jimin arranged the get together in the first place because you were avoiding her.'

'yeah,' yerin confirms, nose wrinkles at how well he knows her, not wanting to remember why he knows her reaction to problems is avoidance.

'you need to talk to her.'

'it's- she probably doesn't- like, like me like that, it was probably just- i don't know. but she- she can't like me, right?' yerin's voice is weak as she finally meets yugyeom's gaze, her brows furrowed in askance.

'you need to talk to her,' yugyeom repeats.

there's a crash of a door opening, and jinyoung's voice yelling for yugyeom that break's over before yerin can say anything in response.

'yugyeom-' she starts, catching his wrist as he stands, 'please don't-'

'i won't say anything,' he preempts her, and flashes her a smile. 'you know you can trust me.'

yerin loosens her grip on his wrist, letting her hand fall as she nods.

'talk to her,' he says again and then he's gone, and yerin's alone to think about what she's just done, what she's just admitted. it seems a lot more real now that the words have been said out loud, she can't take them back now that someone's borne witness to them.

17.

yerin's always been really bad at taking advice.

18.

'how do you get over someone?'

there's a silence then a static-y sigh on the other end of the phone line, and yerin hears the rustling of blankets, the quiet creak of a door.

'i don't know,' yugyeom says after a bit, and yerin knows he's found some place relatively private. 'you just kind of do. you just. once it's clear nothing's going to happen, you just have to decide whether you're okay to stay friends, and then it's just... a waiting game, i guess, until one day you look at them and those feelings are gone.'

yerin hears him yawn as she stares up at her bedroom ceiling, engulfed in darkness. 'oh.'

there's more shuffling on his end of the phoneline. 'did you speak to her?'

yerin presses her lips together. it's been a week. 'i've been busy.'

yugyeom's sigh is noisy and pronounced through the phone speaker. 'you know this is completely different to how it was between us, right? you had absolutely no interest in me as anything other than a friend, and you made that very clear.'

'she might not think of me as anything other than a f-'

'she slept with you,' yugyeom cuts her off.

'she was drunk.'

'not when she made out with you.'

yerin doesn't have a response to that. 'that doesn't mean-'

'no, but it's far more reason to hope than what i had with you.'

yerin turns onto her side, brings her knees up.

'it's such a bad idea,' she whispers 'there are so many things that could go wrong. there's just so much at risk, and if the public were to find out- anything, any of this, anything that could maybe possibly- we'd be crucified. that's assuming anything could happen- i can't let myself even think about that, you know.'

'fuck the public.'

'you know that's not an option.'

yugyeom exhales. 'yeah.'

neither of them speak for a bit, yerin fiddling with her blanket.

'i get what you're saying, you know,' yugyeom says eventually, 'about the risks. there's a lot of things to consider, even without thinking about potential public backlash should something be leaked. working relationship, all of that- i get it. but-'

yerin holds her breath, and hopes he'll be able to show her the slightest glimmer of a silver lining when all she can see is storm clouds.

'- i don't know. you're both level-headed, and friends foremost, and have budding solo careers. i just- i just want you guys to be happy, you know, and- well, i mean, you do make each other happy as friends, but-' he lets out another noisy sigh. 'we should just have the freedom to be able to fuck up. because maybe it won't be a fuck up. it's not like anyone can catch you sneaking around to see each other, given that you live together. like, yeah, things could go wrong, but they could also go right, and... you're a duo, you're not putting other people in an awkward situation should things go wrong, you don't have anyone to answer to but yourselves, and if you think it's worth it, then why not?'

yerin chewed on her lip. 'i don't know. this is- i don't want to risk our careers, we've worked too hard to get here.'

'i think unless you're kissing in public or-' there was a humourless snort of laughter, '-being filmed in a private setting, you're safer than a lot of people.'

yerin turns back to staring at her ceiling. 'are you telling me to go for it?'

'i'm telling you to consider it. i'm telling you to maybe take a risk, put yourself out there, don't second-guess other people's intentions so much.'

'but what if-'

'you need to talk to her, yerin. at the end of the day, it's the two of you who have to decide what you're going to do. what you want to do. and if she says she doesn't like you like that, well.' he gives a soft laugh. 'i'm here for you while you get over her. but... yerin, you need to actually put yourself out there with this.'

'it's scary,' yerin whispers and yugyeom gives an amused hum.

'yeah, it is. i almost talked myself out of it five times while walking towards you alone when i confessed. and look at us now. we worked through it, we're good.'

'i- i don't know if i can,' she confesses, and yugyeom yawns loudly on the other end of the line.

'well, then, you can punch me the next time you see me.'

yerin's brow furrows. 'what-'

'i'm heading back to bed. night.'

20.

'yerin!'

yerin startles at the call of her name, turning in her doorway to look at jimin, peering out her room.

'hey, you're back.' jimin's voice is soft as she steps out fully, eyes darting between yerin and the floor, and the demeanour is so different from her usually the yerin's brow creases.

'are you okay?' she asks and jimin meets her gaze, startled.

'yeah? why wouldn't i be?'

yerin gives an awkward shrug. 'i don't know, you're just- um- nevermind.'

jimin nods, and takes a deep breath. 'so i know we've both been like, really busy and- well, it's been a while hasn't it?' jimin laughs weakly and yerin's assaulted with all the memories of the last time they'd been in each others company for an extended period of time.

'yeah, sorry, i've been-' yerin's quick to apologize, but jimin waves her hand.

'you're- i was at fault as well.'

yerin shakes her head. 'no, you've been busy- your solo, the family concert-'

'yeah, so, we should probably talk' jimin cuts her off looking determined.

yerin closes her mouth, and nods after a beat.

jimin blinks. 'yes?'

yerin can't help but laugh and the surprise on jimin's face. 'did you expect me to say no?'

'i was ready to physically restrain you,' jimin admits, 'i was... reminded that... it would be unwise to let this not be spoken about.'

yerin nods. 'so was i, but...'

'well, we're here now. um.' jimin gestures awkwardly to the couch. 'i considered getting some alcohol, but... then thought that might not be the best idea.'

yerin gives a weak laugh as she settles on the couch. 'yeah, that seems to not... end well, recently.'

jimin seems to be struggling with herself, mouth opening and closing, before her words fall out in a rush. 'i mean, that really depends on what you classify as well.' she winces at the surprise on yerin's face. 'too soon? too soon. okay forget i said that.'

'no-' yerin starts, then pauses. 'i mean, what do you- i mean, what did you classify it as?'

jimin eyes her warily. 'i don't know, what did you classify it as?'

'i-' yerin is at a bit of a loss for words. 'you know what i classify it as.'

'i really don't,' jimin says, and yerin weighs up her choices.

'uh... pretty great?' she says as if it's a question, and jimin sinks into the couch, relaxing.

'that's a relief.'

'why- how could you think i'd think any different?' yerin asks quietly, 'i told you i-' the words stick in her throat, but she forces them out. '-that i like you.'

'i- i couldn't be sure,' jimin admitted, 'you were speaking kind of fast, and i thought i heard- but i wasn't sure.'

yerin can feel the red rising in her cheeks. 'well,' she mutters 'now you can be.'

jimin gives a noncommittal hum. 'mostly.'

yerin's brow creases. 'like, completely, though.'

'i've been kind of avoiding this talk,' jimin admits, 'because i wasn't sure how i felt.'

yerin's cursing yugyeom in her mind for giving her even the slightest bit of hope, something sinking inside of her at jimin's words. 'and now?' she asks cautiously, unable to help herself.

'i could very easily.'

'but you don't,' yerin summarises, and jimin looks at her.

'yerin, i've spent- a while now, a long while, carefully not developing any kind of feelings for anyone attainable, even if i didn't know if they weren't straight. it's not something that ever crossed my mind as a possibility. i know i like girls, and i'd fantasise about being with them, but i never thought it was something that could happen,' jimin explains, eyes concerned as if she needs yerin to understand. 'and then you kissed me, and okay, maybe i kissed back at first just because i wanted to kiss a girl, any girl, and i trusted you, and- i mean, that's what i thought it was. i didn't know why you were kissing me, i didn't even know you liked girls.'

'what are you saying?'

'that i don't know exactly what i feel. it's something that i've blocked off as an impossibility before i even considered it. and now you're right there, saying- telling me it's not, and i-' jimin shrugs helplessly. 'i'm still kind of wrapping my head around it.'

'please don't say you'll start something with me as a test,' yerin says quietly and jimin shakes her head.

'no, that's- no. i may not be ready for a- relationship,' jimin stutter over the word, and it comforts yerin to know she's not the only one nervous. 'but anything i do- anything i did with you was not a test. i- i haven't quite defined exactly what my feelings are towards you, but-' jimin lets out a huff of laughter, her cheeks pinkening, '-especially after the other night, i can say for sure they're not completely platonic.'

yerin tries to swallow down the bubble of hope in her throat. 'so what are you saying?' she says again, her voice shaking.

'i'm saying that- can we not pretend that nothing happened? or pretend that this- us- isn't an option? or a possibility? as far as it's okay with you, can we just... go slow?' jimin's looking hopefully at yerin.

'going slow is the opposite of what we did,' yerin remarks and jimin lets out a laugh, her cheeks reddening more.

'well, yeah, no, i meant emotionally. go slow... emotionally.'

yerin can't help the smile that tugs at her lips as jimin avoids her gaze. 'so... not going slow physically?'

'i mean,' jimin shrugs, and peers at yerin through her fringe. 'that part kind of seems a bit pointless, don't you think?'

yerin give a quiet laugh of assent. 'so.'

'so,' jimin repeats, nodding.

there's silence between them, slightly awkward, but not uncomfortable, and yerin can't think of anything to say.

'do you wanna order food and find something to watch?' jimin asks suddenly, and yerin blinks, trying to remember when last they'd done that.

'yeah,' she says, 'yeah, i'd like that.'

19.

'oh, hey, jimin,' yugyeom catches jimin's elbow as she passes him in the bustle backstage of the show. there's a little bit before either of them have to be back on stage, so she allows him to drag her around the corner. she tilts her head in curiosity as he dabs at the sweat on his neck. 'you spoken to yerin yet?'

jimin stills. 'about?' she asks warily.

'about how you guys slept together,' he says casually, 'obviously.'

jimin sputters, panic and confusion rushing through her body as she looks around for anyone who might have heard. 'how- yugyeom, you can't-' she hisses.

'chill,' he tells her, 'it's noisy and everyone's busy. no one heard.'

jimin's taking deep breaths. 'why would you say that now?' she says desperately and he grins.

'less chance of physical abuse?'

'that's what you think,' she shoots back, and she just knows her cheeks are flaming. 'how did you- you didn't- you didn't hear- did you?' she can't say the full sentence, mortification already running hot through her.

'oh, no, slept right through it. only knew it happened when yerin told me,' he tells her, and jimin doesn't understand how he can be so flippant about the whole situation.

'yerin told you?' jimin asks, helplessly.

'she also told me she's gay, likes you, and is too nervous to actually bring the subject up,' yugyeom says brightly. 'also that she knows what you taste like, which i'm still not sure how i feel about knowing that tidbit.'

'i will kick you in the nads,' jimin says faintly, and yugyeom laughs.

'okay, i have to go get changed,' he says, glancing back at the bustle, before his face sobers up. 'talk to her, will you? you guys really need to talk.'

he leaves her there, and jimin leans against the wall heavily. she has no idea how she's going to go onstage like this, her mind a whirling mess, and it's only when ahyeon finds her that she manages to shake herself out of it.

21.

jimin finds yerin on the company roof, yugyeom and bambam there as well, jackson snoring softly in the sun.

bambam seems about to join jackson in dreamland, lying on his stomach and mumbling every now and then.

jimin heads towards yerin, fitting herself behind her and slipping her arms around her waist. she leans her chin on yerin's shoulder, and she can feel yerin's hand tentatively going to cover hers.

'can i sleep in your bed tonight?' jimin says quietly, her eyes closing as she leans fully on yerin, and she can feel yerin's brief tensing.

'yeah,' she says softly, and jimin smiles into her neck. she makes the mistake of opening her eyes, only to see yugyeom smirking at them knowingly.

'are you guys finally going to be having some... uh...bonding time?' he says innocently, and bambam snorts from where his face is resting on his arms.

'stop telling him things,' jimin mumbles to yerin, her cheeks flushed.

'you made that sound weirdly sexual.' bambam's voice floats up.

'anyone ever tell you you talk too much?' yerin asks yugyeom.

'jinyoung-hyung, at least three times a day,' yugyeom says easily.

'i expected cries of denial,' bambam says, and lifts his head up. he narrows his eyes as he looks between the blushing girls and yugyeom's smirk. 'why are there no cries of denial.'

jimin turns her head more into yerin's neck, allowing her hair to fall over her face, and yerin brings up her hands to cover her own.

'hey, bambam,' yugyeom says brightly, 'yerin's gone further with a girl than you have.'

yerin lets out a whine and brings her knees up, as bambam gapes.

'motion to throw yugyeom off the roof,' jimin says.

'i'm sure jinyoung-oppa will help,' yerin replies, her voice muffled by her hands.

'i am too tired to deal with this,' bambam grumbles, lying back down, 'but i will be calling you later, jimin.'

'i won't answer.'

'then i'll get the story from yugyeom,' bambam says flippantly, his head back on his arms, 'fucking traitor, not telling me.'

jimin just tightens her arms around yerin's waist, and hopes that everything's still okay. they hadn't done anything since they'd spoken, the days stretching into weeks, but neither of them had been brave enough to make the first move. but jimin's tired, and maybe she shouldn't have said anything in front of the boys but yerin was warm and comforting and she needed to say it before she chickened out.

but yerin's still there, and has made no move to escape so...

jimin's optimistic.

--
-ending changed and story made almost double the length; original end still available to read here
-about halfway through writing this i looked at the lyrics for bye bye my blue and was like what is this coincidence why does this song fit this fic so well so that was fun