Chanubi's Film Night, #5-ish
This month, we’re looking at a wonderful Italian classic by the title of Nude for Satan. Like Snakes on a Plane, the title tells you all you need to know about the film (There's nudity, and there's Satan. There, I've summed up the entire film in five words). Ironically, there's no actual Satan involved, just an incredibly campy vampire count.
To me, this is the quintessential seventies euro-trash-horror - paper-thin plot, wooden acting/dialogue, and cheap gore. But best of all, ridiculous amounts of nudity! So, not so many screencaps this time (thank you, photobucket and your prudish attitude).
The first half of the title is amply supplied by the gorgeous Rita Calderoni, while the second half... I don’t even remember there being a Satan in this film. All I remember is a Vampire Count, and an hour-long acid-trip orgy. Oh well, time to refresh the memory.
The film starts, appropriately, in a misty forest around midnight. Oh, and there’s a girl running naked. Why is she naked? What is she running from/to? No clue, this scene is never brought up again throughout the rest of the movie. Anyway, this leads to the title sequence, and a shot of the Hero - an English doctor* - driving to an unidentified village. This goes on for a bit, because he’s apparently lost.
*it seems Italian horror writers had a fixation with English characters - see also Cold Eyes of Fear, for example.
So, naturally he knocks an old farmhouse, and what does the local tell him? “Ooh-arr, it’s too wild a night to be out. And whatever you do, don’t go into the old castle!” Tchoi! Of course, it’s too important an errand, so the doctor continues to try and find the village. The farmer seems eerily amused to see him drive off, too.
After another few minutes driving through the night, Our Hero sees... the naked bird! This time she’s just standing in the road, and he almost hits her. This results in a bit of a bump for him, and he gets out to investigate. She’s gone. What a surprise! He looks a bit disappointed, and I can’t say I blame him. On his way back to the car however, someone throws a tire at him* and he turns back to see Rita Calderoni hanging half out of a car. Christmas came early that year!
*note that I was watching this without sound - subtitles helped keep track of dialogue, but I probably missed several key non-verbal moments.
Anyway, without regard for first aid or potential spinal fractures, he drags her out of her car and carries her back to his VW. Once there, his treatment consists of slapping her face and telling her to wake up. Amazingly, it works (it is the early seventies, after all). Anyway, she seems a bit concussed, so he decides the best thing to do is to abandon her in the car while he looks for help. Also, he’s has a gun. Action Doctor! And where does he go to get help? Why, from the spooky old castle, of course!
On the way there, he encounters a Man in Black, who appears and disappears without warning. Also, for some reason he is unable to physically move. Why, is never explained. It’s not the first unanswered question, and it won’t be the last.
Anyway, Our Hero goes to the castle, the door opens of its own accord (naturally), and he ends up in a very Italian spareroom - the furniture is all under sheets and there are a couple of centuries-old portraits hanging on the walls. And in the next room - a dead guy! Wait a minute... he’s not dead! The knife embedded in his neck must be a fake!
The doctor closes the door and goes back to the previous room... and here’s where the acid-trips start. Nothing too serious yet, just a spinning statue out of nowhere, but that’s followed by a couple of screams. Apparently in the next room there’s a naked girl being bitten by a vampire. This appears to be par for the course in this part of Europe, since he simply closes the door on that, and goes to investigate an old book instead. It’s open to a page of some very bad metaphorical poetry. The sort of thing you'd expect from a fourteen-year-old goth.
Having read that, he investigates a portrait, which triggers a pretty lame colour-separation animation within the frame. Suddenly the girl in the painting appears in the room! She seems to know him, and addresses him as Peter (his name is William). For his part, he thinks she’s the girl in the car. She seduces him quicktime, and there’s a discrete cutaway to show... the portrait is now empty..! This is followed by a bit of conversation which tells us... absolutely nothing! The doctor asks a few expository questions, but all the girl can talk about is metaphysical speculation. That’s what happens when writers try to be clever. She leads him off to some unknown fate, and... whoa, there’s the creepy butler again! Dude is fucking scary!
Scariest thing in the whole film
Suddenly it's morning, and the girl from the car has woken up and apparently made a full recovery from her concussion. She’s found her way up to the castle, and is looking for the doctor.
Oh, Rita
She looks over the castle, and - crash-zoom - there’s the Vampire Count! He’s staring at her... with his eyes...
He’s no Christopher Lee, that’s for sure.
Anyway, he shows her round the castle - and gosh that’s a short skirt she’s wearing - and they end up in what appears to be a main parlour. At one point he vanishes, replaced by... disco lasers? And then... my god, the campest portrait I’ve ever seen!
Manliest portrait ever
The count reappears, and the girl does the standard horror “I don’t understand!” thing. Even more badly than usual. Now, the count is starting to get creepy... uh-oh, hypno-eyes.
Beware the eyes of the hypno-vampire. He will magic the clothes right off your body.
The hell? He hypnotised her clothes into falling off! Where do you learn that trick? Patrick Stewart needs to know!
Aaand here comes another acid-trip. Ok, maybe not. But he did hypnotise her clothes back onto her. I suppose everyone has their kinks.
Anyway, he wanders off, and the Creepy Butler appears with a glass of what looks like blood. And of course she drinks it.
Would YOU accept a drink from this man?
This leads to a long and detailed bath scene - she’s really working to get that dirt out! A maidservant appears with a towel, and... well, you can imagine.
Meanwhile, the doctor and his new friend are wandering about in the castle gardens. She’s dancing with trees, he’s trying to work out what’s going on. Not too deep in thought to put his tongue down her throat every thirty seconds though. She’s still twatting on with her metaphysical poetry though. Until he lights a cigarette. On seeing the flame, she goes into hysterics and vanishes.
Meanwhile Rita has decided to also take a walk in the gardens - wearing only a towel, naturally - and she runs into her own love interest. Like the doctor’s girl, he’s done up in a generic regency outfit, and he refers to her as Evelyn (her name is Susan).
"Ah, now I recognise you!"
He's a big fan.
And then suddenly the Count reappears out of nowhere. He leads her to her room, with more metaphysical bollocks - apparently it’s getting late, even though it’s probably not even noon yet. So she opens the window the check, and... suddenly it’s about nine at night. Confusion ensues. Anyway, she lays down to sleep, and... another acid-trip starts. This one involves a lot of softcore girl-girl action, for some reason. I simply can’t think why! Anyway, it’s interspersed with silly things like hypno-eyes and spinning statues.This goes on for about ten minutes, and ends with one of the girls strangling the other. Hmm, someone has issues.
Dammit count, stop ruining the softcore porn!
The shock of the dream/trip wakes up Rita/Susan/Evelyn/whatever her name is now with the essential scream and blown-open window, and she discovers - a kitty!
"I iz Saten! Rarr!"
Anyway, now she’s awake she decides to explore a bit. In a lacy nightgown, of course.
All the best explorers shop at BnT
This leads, inexplicably, to an S&M scene with the butler. Why? Well, why not?! He’s flogging the maid from the bath/dream scenes, while being watched by the Count. Yup, they sure don’t make films like this anymore.
Suddenly it cuts to a Black Mass. The maid apparently has psychic powers, but she can’t get into the doctor’s head because he’s too heroic or something. Also, it was apparently essential she be naked and writhing around on the altar. The Count does some silly conjuring tricks to help her, but then decides to sacrifice her instead.
For some reason this causes Rita/Susan to fall into a void, and eventually lands in a giant spider web. She is then attacked by possibly the worst fake monster in the history of film.
"Fear me!"
"nomnomnom. Am I scary yet?"
Meanwhile the doctor has been getting it on with his new friend (apparently the castle has disco lights in every room. There’s also some silly multi-lens effect - I imagine the director got a bit bored by that stage and wanted to try out some new effects). He hears Susan screaming, and it shakes him out of his reverie. There’s a bit of exposition about how the two new characters are dark sides of the two main characters, and he runs off to rescue Susan. At least he still has his gun - not that it mattered, the monster-bug didn’t actually do anything.
Anyway, he kills the bug and they escape the dungeon… only to be caught by the Count. He tells them to go back to their room, and… they do. Huh. Susan goes back to sleep, and the doctor abandons her and attempts to escape the castle.
And it’s daytime again. The Man in Black has returned, and this time he’s mobile. The doctor chases him around the gardens, and finally catches him, only to find out… it’s his doppelganger! They fight briefly, while the Count watches, and the doctor returns to the castle, to finally confront the impostor.
There’s some more metaphysical stuff, and they each finally find out the truth behind their doubles, and then… orgy time!
This is where it all gets very, very silly. There’s some kind of symbolic/interpretive dance routine, featuring men and women painted all different colours - of course the men wear loincloths while the women are completely naked. Also, one of the women has the scariest xylophone ribs I’ve ever seen.
"We call this dance..."
"... Spring & Autumn"
"No, we're totally not gay, alright?"
The doctor ruins their party by starting a fire, which sets off a load of cheap pyrotechnics and wakes him up in the car at the beginning of the film - it was all a dream… or was it? (dun dun dunnnnn!)
*** *** *** *** *** ***
Overall, it turned out better than I remembered. Sure, the story sucked and the acting was terrible, but I can’t think of a better way to spend ninety minutes than staring at Rita Calderoni’s tits. Between the nudity and the so-bad-it’s-good factor, I’m giving this one a rating of 12/10. Definitely recommended :D