this year...

[chantingbrighid]

i gave two weeks notice yesterday...in some ways, i realize that by giving up a job that, while i didn't like it, at least gave me income and benefits, especially in these economic times, was a bit foolish...but on that other hand, it really is never that simple...it was a corporate job, and i am not good in corporate situations, just like i wasn't good at the school situation...i was good at the job, until you began to get to part where i felt my dignity was being trampled on by the rulings of corporate, and then it went to hell...and considering my level of hubris, my tolerance level is quite low in those situations...it all basically boiled down to which was more important to me, my dignity or my checking account, and quite frankly, i would sacrifice quite a bit to feel that i at least was suffering for a something, even if it was a something that i made up to make myself feel better for suffering...so there will be a bit of an earthquake, and maybe a minor tsunami, and if the entire foundation of our life isn't rocked periodically, then nothing can ever change and we are dead within the amber of our passivity...and no matter how much justifying i do, or how many colorful metaphors i dress it up in, i have made a decision, and i have to live with it, good or bad...and i refuse to live my life in regret over this, especially when you consider all the actual regret worthy things i have done in my life...it would be a lie to say that i am happy where i am right now, obviously...it would also be a lie to say that i can see happiness later in life...but since i have conveniently convinced myself that happiness has nothing to do with life and its meaning, i guess i can conveniently convince myself that its ok...the point is that i feel stagnant right now...i get up, go to a job i don't like, do some other stuff, and then go to bed to do it all over again...i really don't have anything to live for nor anyone that i care that deeply about...so right now i am at the point where i am gathering the figurative ammunition to blow the amber passivity to hell and to free myself to emerge, however primitive and unevolved i might be, from the pre-cambrian right into the modern age...
wish me luck...