Candy hierarchy. Plus Vlog.
Click to viewRecent bad idea: Candy for dinner... day II. My brilliant plan for Halloween was that I lived off the land. Only consuming that which I was able to lure and hunt. It has been two days of candy meals and I think I have early on-set scurvy. Yum!
My theory is that if I eat all my Halloween candy now. I eat all the candy now. Yes.
And who says that 23 is too old for trick-or-treating? Really?! If I put the effort in and publicly humiliate myself, please feed my unemployed arse! Halloween has gotten so much more profitable with BBF boyfriend's car listed among the Trick-or-Treating assets. No longer bound by how far I can travel in costume worn over snowsuit... I am able to simply scoot over to the Richie Rich neighbourhoods and collect on the loot.
PS. Lady with the Howdy Doody doll and the Trick or Treat wheel? You made my night! I was tricked with generic name brand macaroni and cheese. Brilliant!
But all my binge eating has brought my thoughts a meandering towards something we all know but have yet to categorize in the form of internet blog: Candy hierarchy.
Topping the list is anything that is both edible and wearable. Candy necklaces, edible underwear. If I can combine it to make a costume and a junk food, it has fulfilled both requirements of Halloween.
Next is anything in a "King Sized" variety. This year in the recession-proof neighbourhoods: Full sized KitKats, and Jumbo sized bag of something smothered in a cheese substitute. Yum.
Followed closely by anything in a loot bag. The contents could be Christian related propaganda and floss. The fact that someone spent the time inserting them into carefully constructed little baggies with a bad pun on the front? Pure gold. A for effort, people!
After that, it descends in order of preference: chocolate, peanut butter, candy, sugar in a tube. For me, tootsie rolls are king. Why? Because with the simple application of body heat, these little black turd of a candy become deliciously pliable. Mostly long snakes for me. But on occasion I get a bit more elaborate.
The old dilemma of chips. I tend to rank them low on the scale of "bang" and "for your buck". These little puppies, while delicious have two detriments. First, they yield little chip to air ratio. Secondly, they simply take up too much real estate in the candy-gathering bag which could be devoted to Reese Pieces and fun sized Mars Bars.
Now we start the list of shame. The following won't guarantee you a house egging, but it won't endear you to the neighbourhood kids. And let's face it - snow is coming and you're going to rely on the good will of these brats to shovel your driveway for $5 and a handful of your own remaining Halloween chocolate stash. But I digress.
Low on the list:
Raisins. Personally, I keep a stash on hand to hand out to any lazy brats under the age of 14 who turn up at my door sans costume thrusting a pillowcase at me. Make an effort or you will be rewarded in shriveled fruit. (Note, the sans 14-year-olds who turn up without costume are given left over cans of V8. Unless they look like the egging variety. Then it's a single lollipop each.)
Canned drinks. What's up with that? It's just heavy, and makes the remaining candy gathering a pain. Plus, I haven't drank anything carbonated for over a decade (on a dare). So your generic brand of soda is dead to me.
Toothbrushes, stickers, Jesus propaganda, pencils. Why? WHY!? I get it. Halloween is the bane of the existence of two very unpleasant groups. The extremely religious and dentists. Personally, I don't like anything shoved down my throat - be it your ideals or your dental equipment. The gods of chaos give us Halloween (and the subsequent days until your stash runs out) to be as naughty as possible. By mid-November we're little angels again, trying to score with the man in the Red Suit. So chill. Our fangs are plastic and aren't in need of floss or exorcism.
The bottom of the list? Anything given out in lieu of actually purchasing candy. Namely: Candy canes from last year. Tins of tuna. Baked items - who knows if you're a crazy rat poisoning murderer? Your efforts are for naught. Just going in the bin.
This is the knowledge I give to you as a twenty-three year old trick-or-treater with previous Halloween experience which includes my father trailing after my sister and I with a granny-cart into which we dumped our haul.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!