Constitution of a miracle.
I may have said it, once, without thinking quickly enough to stop myself. Mom always did used to berate me, as a child, for speaking without thinking. So much of what goes through my mind just isn't acceptable for disclosure. Not usually offensive (at least never intentionally so, although I phrase things terribly sometimes), but far too off-the-wall to be generally comprehensible, thus acceptable. She explained that to me.
"Think before you speak," was her catchphrase to me for a good while. I had to just stop speaking. 'Cause, yeah, it just made me feel too awkward to even talk, knowing that most of what I wanted to express or ask was just utterly unacceptable. Thus, so was I, as logic proceeds.
I still am, but I've developed a different approach. Either silence, until comfort has been attained enough that my thoughts wouldn't be so badly received...or just, in instance and usual, speaking with a different degree of precision, as to express in terms which are more suitable to whomever I'm speaking.
And, of course, whatever suits circumstances...period.
But it is -WAY- too premature for him, for me to confess love. (Not profess, no, at this juncture.) He would freak out. Which is why it's so odd that, the last time I almost said it, when I couldn't contain myself and just expressed it otherwise, ardently, passionately, and without any intention of sexual nuance...it caught me so off guard for him to reply, in kind. I stopped breathing for a moment. Stopped moving, as we just looked one another in the eye for a number of seconds. I couldn't believe he'd done as he did, and questioned him about it without speaking, in other words. He did much the same, even as his unwavering gaze was quite the response I'd not expected to find...and did finally accept. He was simultaneously questioning me, likewise. It was a challenge, each issued unto the other--"Did you mean it?" And somehow, neither of us backed down, even as we're both terrified.
He's expressed as much, even as I have, in so many other weird ways. As goes.
And, ya know, there's a part of me which doesn't want to share all of this...feeling it sacred, especially, as such things should be. But I want to document as much of this as I can, while it's fresh in my mind enough as to still give me butterflies. I want to document it as a testament to possibility and an open expression of a newly conceived devotion--singular, exclusive. A public testament to my decision to give this a shot. Come what may, and may it be so well as has done, already.
There are so many things we talk about, some of them will never see the light of day outside of interaction solely with him. Many, as to that.
By all that is Holy and Just, let him and all of these things be well. And so it shall be.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.
"Think before you speak," was her catchphrase to me for a good while. I had to just stop speaking. 'Cause, yeah, it just made me feel too awkward to even talk, knowing that most of what I wanted to express or ask was just utterly unacceptable. Thus, so was I, as logic proceeds.
I still am, but I've developed a different approach. Either silence, until comfort has been attained enough that my thoughts wouldn't be so badly received...or just, in instance and usual, speaking with a different degree of precision, as to express in terms which are more suitable to whomever I'm speaking.
And, of course, whatever suits circumstances...period.
But it is -WAY- too premature for him, for me to confess love. (Not profess, no, at this juncture.) He would freak out. Which is why it's so odd that, the last time I almost said it, when I couldn't contain myself and just expressed it otherwise, ardently, passionately, and without any intention of sexual nuance...it caught me so off guard for him to reply, in kind. I stopped breathing for a moment. Stopped moving, as we just looked one another in the eye for a number of seconds. I couldn't believe he'd done as he did, and questioned him about it without speaking, in other words. He did much the same, even as his unwavering gaze was quite the response I'd not expected to find...and did finally accept. He was simultaneously questioning me, likewise. It was a challenge, each issued unto the other--"Did you mean it?" And somehow, neither of us backed down, even as we're both terrified.
He's expressed as much, even as I have, in so many other weird ways. As goes.
And, ya know, there's a part of me which doesn't want to share all of this...feeling it sacred, especially, as such things should be. But I want to document as much of this as I can, while it's fresh in my mind enough as to still give me butterflies. I want to document it as a testament to possibility and an open expression of a newly conceived devotion--singular, exclusive. A public testament to my decision to give this a shot. Come what may, and may it be so well as has done, already.
There are so many things we talk about, some of them will never see the light of day outside of interaction solely with him. Many, as to that.
By all that is Holy and Just, let him and all of these things be well. And so it shall be.
Posted via m.livejournal.com.