In consideration of The Possibility--perhaps, at last?
Moving right along, then, apparently. I'd come to the conclusion a month ago, or a couple weeks, that the reason for this particular manifestation was multi-faceted, but largely only in having produced a number of realizations about self and world which were riveting and revolutionary (to me) and in quite inarguably evidencing that possibility does indeed exist, of that particular hope which refuses to be wholly disbanded by experience. Which, really, was all enough to allow me to peacefully and gratefully let it go. But, I'm now wholly second-guessing my consideration of it as so slight (even as none of what was produced was -slight-) and, moreover, as passing. Hm.
When I'd committed myself to "waking up," again, back in November...there was absolutely no way for me to know there would be such an onslaught, upon reawakening. I've been loving it--don't get me wrong. Having so much to work with, toward understanding love and human relations specifically, has been quite riveting and (although periodically torturous, to extents--nature of the beast, after all) ultimately very fulfilling and enlightening.
But I really didn't expect any of this, which...well, in the past, that's not so much been the case. Mostly because I've always still maintained a greater degree of control in the directions which my attention wandered and in the intentions which I perused.
This time, however, I've been a bit more in the flow of things and have let myself be washed from one moment to the next, drifting. Perhaps the main reason for it dwells in the manner by which I achieved reawakening so quickly, this time. But...well, no--there was a similarity of instance in one past span, a decade ago. Didn't go quite this way, then. Different times, and I was at a completely different stage in my life, perhaps is all.
But, yeah, as Gibran observed--only death and love change all things. So, to be reawakened to and by the latter, in such a way as was completely new and unexpected? Well, it did change things, completely. In that it was so unexpected--catching me off-guard, it truly did alter my perspective. Only, as I noted to a good friend last night (and another, tonight), it ultimately made clear that there is a vast distinction between latent, (only) instinctually expressed potential and manifest, consciously directed potential. A vast difference.
It wasn't that T didn't have the potential for being someone who could sincerely -be with- me to the truer extents of the phrase, nor that he didn't ultimately recognize it to some extent. No, neither of those. It's just that he largely refrains from grasping onto and developing self-awareness--quite intentionally. So, granted, the possibilities for growth were overwhelming, even to me, and given that free will is entirely operative...he started running and may not have stopped, even now (really doesn't seem like he has). It is a bit daunting to be confronted with truth (even or maybe especially if it deals with self), after all, if it's something you generally avoid like the plague. Especially in instances where it takes on a life of its own, bringing all sorts of fears and inadequacies to the fore for consideration and potential for discard--love is a very powerful and healing tool, in and of all that, if properly regarded and pursued. It has a way of delving straight onto the core matters which are at fault for presenting greatest obstacle to self--it brings self to the fore in a way which is generally otherwise not entirely possible, by forcing a person to just *be* in the midst of such a whirlwind. Further, it strips away reservations, if allowed to blossom, and it ultimately binds the wounds of past defeat and failure, if growth is sought within its bosom. And these things, all, are utterly daunting to those who would prefer to continue in ignorance of self, for whatever reason (..and--trust me--there are many to be had...I've pursued quite a few, myself).
So, I understand that now.
I understand why people run as though the hounds of hell are chasing them, in those sorts of situation.
Truth is rarely gentle, regardless that it's something at the core of love (in many ways, at least, it can be).
So ignorance is, in a lot of ways, bliss. It's a buffer, moreover--from the world, from others, from the sometimes excruciating challenge of discovering true self.
Only, it tends to be rather unfulfilling. So, I'd rather suffer, learning who I am and becoming evermore strong through pursuit of self-awareness, self-knowledge, and self-acceptance, than go along, blunderingly unaware of all the beauty and the joys which surround me. Because you really can't have one, without the other--the joy of being, without the pain of growth. Or, at least, not until you're reached an ultimate state of self-fulfillment, I expect. There's just too much necessity for fire to sear away what binds, even as the development of a new, healed form can be initially discomfitting until wholly fulfilled and embraced. Yet there are those who would prefer to shun growth, for the sake of avoiding the pain and discomfort which is ofttimes entailed.
It makes sense, yet it's only one minute facet of the all which makes up the manner of human nature...one perspective on that facet, perhaps, even.
And it does tie wholly into acknowledging that people -cannot- be forced to better themselves--even as that generally means they're opting to remain mired in despair, contention, grief, or what any manner of unhappiness is the mode du jour. That--this last--was one of the most difficult lessons I've ever had to learn (even, or maybe especially, as I've experienced it from both sides, yes). But...in a sidelong fashion, it's actually one of the reasons I have peace, with matters such as my mother's choice to end her life. So, as much as I used to lament that things are as they are, I've grown to realize that there's positive to be embrnced and accepted, even amidst absolute agony of defeat and/or acknowledged ineffectuality.
But it's all given me quite a bit of perspective on romantic dealings. Which is why, even though I've continued to allow myself to indulge in situations which were rife with possibility for those sorts of emotions to develop (as they have, in instances), I've remained aware, throughout, that loving someone does not necessarily entail potential for personal fulfillment, alongside them. If anything, it can be interpreted as indication there's a strong enough touchpoint with them to foster for a necessary growth, given sufficient impetus to route out quite what matter is enough in play as to be dissembled and properly dealt (per that instance's conjuring of such a personal effect, is this indicated--doesn't mean it's always an utterly grand matter at hand, though). Really, that same possibility exists to lesser degrees in instances of interaction with anyone, when there's a sincere enough communion within context of given individual interaction/s. It's an odd slate, really, and one which I'm not presently concerned with outlaying. Suffice it to say that there are matters to be considered as true, thereabouts, also.
True, as I mean it in most instances, means unwavering--foundational aspects of human nature and the nature of our methods, as I've found. This, just to note, given that a lot of what's transpired this past month has brought my attention passingly round to a much more solid understanding of quite how deep the divide in understanding is, between any two given individuals. On the surface, not so much, necessarily--but delving deeper, deeper and deeper still, runs that divide. Which, now that I think about it as such, in a some ways, I think that's why there are so many new things which have been occurring to me and which have become clear to me--I've experienced benefit of shared perspective with someone who seems things from enough a different stance, lately, in particularly...inexplicably...extensive ways as to've broadened my realm of understanding. Irrevocably, hopefully, but in any event I'm gaining a lot from the experience. I've been privy to communion which has allowed me to glimpse so many aspects of the other side of the coin in such a way as I'd never been truly able to grasp, before. Whereas, I tend toward the ethereal, this other bears such solidity as I still don't entirely fathom.
Because there are depths there, too--similar in some fashion, yet undetermined as still being sounded, to my own.
It's all quite interesting to me, really. And I am really curious of how things will progress. If they do at all--again, this last major lesson showed me that it's indeed easy enough for some folks to walk(run) away from possibility. Especially when they don't recognize it, aside of noting on a deeper level that it shakes the very foundations of their being. Which, to me, is reason enough for continuation in such a vein. As much as it kills me, time to time, falling apart really does allow the perfect opportunity to better put one's self together. Recreationist, then--we have the ability to be gods, in our own right, yet the power inherent of that can be rather unsettling and entirely terrifying, especially if not understood.
And...that...is at the core of my concerns for the moment. I have utterly no idea how deep that desire for understanding runs, nor quite how ardent a pursuit it is. For me, of course, I know it's the penultimate challenge and desire--second only to my desire to understand the all and thus be able to most effectively love/help myself and others. But there's no way for me to know, aside of over the course of time, waiting to learn more and find out.
Only, from what I've thus far experienced and thus been able to determine, this is quite possibly a situation wherein manifest, consciously pursued and driven potential (of the particular sort which is most vital to me) is in play. And if that's truly the case, then I can only hope to be able to remain alongside for as long as humanly possible. Which, granted, I'm still coming to terms with. Means a lotta work gots be done, even as a lot is being done and has been done already, and even in so short a span as this.
When I'd committed myself to "waking up," again, back in November...there was absolutely no way for me to know there would be such an onslaught, upon reawakening. I've been loving it--don't get me wrong. Having so much to work with, toward understanding love and human relations specifically, has been quite riveting and (although periodically torturous, to extents--nature of the beast, after all) ultimately very fulfilling and enlightening.
But I really didn't expect any of this, which...well, in the past, that's not so much been the case. Mostly because I've always still maintained a greater degree of control in the directions which my attention wandered and in the intentions which I perused.
This time, however, I've been a bit more in the flow of things and have let myself be washed from one moment to the next, drifting. Perhaps the main reason for it dwells in the manner by which I achieved reawakening so quickly, this time. But...well, no--there was a similarity of instance in one past span, a decade ago. Didn't go quite this way, then. Different times, and I was at a completely different stage in my life, perhaps is all.
But, yeah, as Gibran observed--only death and love change all things. So, to be reawakened to and by the latter, in such a way as was completely new and unexpected? Well, it did change things, completely. In that it was so unexpected--catching me off-guard, it truly did alter my perspective. Only, as I noted to a good friend last night (and another, tonight), it ultimately made clear that there is a vast distinction between latent, (only) instinctually expressed potential and manifest, consciously directed potential. A vast difference.
It wasn't that T didn't have the potential for being someone who could sincerely -be with- me to the truer extents of the phrase, nor that he didn't ultimately recognize it to some extent. No, neither of those. It's just that he largely refrains from grasping onto and developing self-awareness--quite intentionally. So, granted, the possibilities for growth were overwhelming, even to me, and given that free will is entirely operative...he started running and may not have stopped, even now (really doesn't seem like he has). It is a bit daunting to be confronted with truth (even or maybe especially if it deals with self), after all, if it's something you generally avoid like the plague. Especially in instances where it takes on a life of its own, bringing all sorts of fears and inadequacies to the fore for consideration and potential for discard--love is a very powerful and healing tool, in and of all that, if properly regarded and pursued. It has a way of delving straight onto the core matters which are at fault for presenting greatest obstacle to self--it brings self to the fore in a way which is generally otherwise not entirely possible, by forcing a person to just *be* in the midst of such a whirlwind. Further, it strips away reservations, if allowed to blossom, and it ultimately binds the wounds of past defeat and failure, if growth is sought within its bosom. And these things, all, are utterly daunting to those who would prefer to continue in ignorance of self, for whatever reason (..and--trust me--there are many to be had...I've pursued quite a few, myself).
So, I understand that now.
I understand why people run as though the hounds of hell are chasing them, in those sorts of situation.
Truth is rarely gentle, regardless that it's something at the core of love (in many ways, at least, it can be).
So ignorance is, in a lot of ways, bliss. It's a buffer, moreover--from the world, from others, from the sometimes excruciating challenge of discovering true self.
Only, it tends to be rather unfulfilling. So, I'd rather suffer, learning who I am and becoming evermore strong through pursuit of self-awareness, self-knowledge, and self-acceptance, than go along, blunderingly unaware of all the beauty and the joys which surround me. Because you really can't have one, without the other--the joy of being, without the pain of growth. Or, at least, not until you're reached an ultimate state of self-fulfillment, I expect. There's just too much necessity for fire to sear away what binds, even as the development of a new, healed form can be initially discomfitting until wholly fulfilled and embraced. Yet there are those who would prefer to shun growth, for the sake of avoiding the pain and discomfort which is ofttimes entailed.
It makes sense, yet it's only one minute facet of the all which makes up the manner of human nature...one perspective on that facet, perhaps, even.
And it does tie wholly into acknowledging that people -cannot- be forced to better themselves--even as that generally means they're opting to remain mired in despair, contention, grief, or what any manner of unhappiness is the mode du jour. That--this last--was one of the most difficult lessons I've ever had to learn (even, or maybe especially, as I've experienced it from both sides, yes). But...in a sidelong fashion, it's actually one of the reasons I have peace, with matters such as my mother's choice to end her life. So, as much as I used to lament that things are as they are, I've grown to realize that there's positive to be embrnced and accepted, even amidst absolute agony of defeat and/or acknowledged ineffectuality.
But it's all given me quite a bit of perspective on romantic dealings. Which is why, even though I've continued to allow myself to indulge in situations which were rife with possibility for those sorts of emotions to develop (as they have, in instances), I've remained aware, throughout, that loving someone does not necessarily entail potential for personal fulfillment, alongside them. If anything, it can be interpreted as indication there's a strong enough touchpoint with them to foster for a necessary growth, given sufficient impetus to route out quite what matter is enough in play as to be dissembled and properly dealt (per that instance's conjuring of such a personal effect, is this indicated--doesn't mean it's always an utterly grand matter at hand, though). Really, that same possibility exists to lesser degrees in instances of interaction with anyone, when there's a sincere enough communion within context of given individual interaction/s. It's an odd slate, really, and one which I'm not presently concerned with outlaying. Suffice it to say that there are matters to be considered as true, thereabouts, also.
True, as I mean it in most instances, means unwavering--foundational aspects of human nature and the nature of our methods, as I've found. This, just to note, given that a lot of what's transpired this past month has brought my attention passingly round to a much more solid understanding of quite how deep the divide in understanding is, between any two given individuals. On the surface, not so much, necessarily--but delving deeper, deeper and deeper still, runs that divide. Which, now that I think about it as such, in a some ways, I think that's why there are so many new things which have been occurring to me and which have become clear to me--I've experienced benefit of shared perspective with someone who seems things from enough a different stance, lately, in particularly...inexplicably...extensive ways as to've broadened my realm of understanding. Irrevocably, hopefully, but in any event I'm gaining a lot from the experience. I've been privy to communion which has allowed me to glimpse so many aspects of the other side of the coin in such a way as I'd never been truly able to grasp, before. Whereas, I tend toward the ethereal, this other bears such solidity as I still don't entirely fathom.
Because there are depths there, too--similar in some fashion, yet undetermined as still being sounded, to my own.
It's all quite interesting to me, really. And I am really curious of how things will progress. If they do at all--again, this last major lesson showed me that it's indeed easy enough for some folks to walk(run) away from possibility. Especially when they don't recognize it, aside of noting on a deeper level that it shakes the very foundations of their being. Which, to me, is reason enough for continuation in such a vein. As much as it kills me, time to time, falling apart really does allow the perfect opportunity to better put one's self together. Recreationist, then--we have the ability to be gods, in our own right, yet the power inherent of that can be rather unsettling and entirely terrifying, especially if not understood.
And...that...is at the core of my concerns for the moment. I have utterly no idea how deep that desire for understanding runs, nor quite how ardent a pursuit it is. For me, of course, I know it's the penultimate challenge and desire--second only to my desire to understand the all and thus be able to most effectively love/help myself and others. But there's no way for me to know, aside of over the course of time, waiting to learn more and find out.
Only, from what I've thus far experienced and thus been able to determine, this is quite possibly a situation wherein manifest, consciously pursued and driven potential (of the particular sort which is most vital to me) is in play. And if that's truly the case, then I can only hope to be able to remain alongside for as long as humanly possible. Which, granted, I'm still coming to terms with. Means a lotta work gots be done, even as a lot is being done and has been done already, and even in so short a span as this.