(no subject)
So...I totally lost it, last night.
Well, more aptly said, I lost it on Thursday and then just completely fell apart last night.
Think I maybe punched a wall, Thursday night. One of my knuckles is completely fucked. Well...not completely. I can still move it...but it's bruised badly enough that I do have to wonder if I fractured the carpal. Wouldn't wonder of it if the bruising weren't so deep and...for the pain it caused my entire hand when I forgot myself and clapped for a moment, last night. I did it right, though. Just got the one, really badly...the ring finger bit. So I can still use my hand, so long as I'm careful and don't try to grasp anything with that end of it.
Got all frustrated, I remember. Thought about how I'd never truly punched a wall, but that I know people who have. The people I'd been hanging out with had abandoned me downstairs, and left to my own devices under such circumstances as were the whole...never quite good.
Eh.
Was definitely a sign I'm completely on edge, though--it's the only time I truly intentionally do things which will be to any extent hurtful.
Should've kept that in mind last night, perhaps. But...no.
I'd let my ex borrow my camera+its accoutrements. $700's worth of stuff. To take photos Friday and Saturday of a friend's wedding and the preceding family reception. It freaked me out, Friday night, that he'd taken the liberty of removing one of the lens filter cases from the bag--put two of the four =on= the camera, the rest weren't with the camera. I asked him about it...reaffirming the need that it be taken utmost care of. He passed it off as 'in his car, fine where it was.' Still unsettled me.
Came home at 3am last night--he wasn't here, neither was my camera. I called. No answer. I called again. No answer. I became completely frantic, going so far as to continue to call for the next many minutes--could tell he intentionally sent the call to voicemail a number of times. Most times, until the minutes really began to pass. The more he avoided me, the more it freaked me out. I finally texted that I wanted my camera back -now-. He wrote that he'd been kicked out of his frat. I continued to call.
And call.
And call.
Left a voicemail that he call immediately.
No reply.
No further text.
Nothing.
I went on facebook and wrote frantic messages--one on a girl's page (apparently, she's his girlfriend--I know this, now) I know he'd been staying with, to the effect of thinking he might be with her...I want my camera...can't deal with this anymore, having to share a bed because he just doesn't want to deal with his stepmom, given that his dad offered him a place to stay as soon as we broke up (four months ago). That he's out, anywhich, and should start living with her.
Wrote a couple on my own page, and on his (lattermost he apparently got to a computer to remove, before I made it back online from a jaunt about, for about half an hour)...about how he'd apparently stolen my camera, unless I get notice otherwise, immediately.
No response.
So I kept calling.
And left the house, completely devastated and heartsick and just beside myself with general panic. Took some stuff with me which I shouldn't have. With intentions I shouldn't have had. And proceeded to drive to the mountain overlook where I'd been going some nights to listen to music, as to not have to be here, at 'home.'
Sobbing in despair and shock.
Couldn't think of anyone to call who might've been awake. 3:30am at this point, after all.
No one around here ever answers my calls, any way. Or, at least, only 1/10 the time. And my friends elsewhere have all gotten into lives which have them in bed around midnight. Or, heck, maybe earlier.
I don't even know.
I just couldn't think of anyone to call who might answer. It was bad enough that I'd been doing so to ex, to no reply...I couldn't stomach the thought of having everyone else ignore the call, too. Or miss it, even.
So I called dude.
He didn't answer, but at least it wasn't a surprise. I'd never called him, so didn't expect an answer. I'd just hoped.
Sat contemplating what..or how...or why to do...and considering even going to my father's house. With a great deal of further sorrow, did I contemplate that.
Gave up on the idea.
Started considering how to take the next step toward what I'd driven there for. And got return phone call from dude.
I still am sad that he's the only one I could come up with, to call. everyone else just has so much going on and it was intolerable to consider disturbing
Which...in retrospect...I know there are a number of people who would maybe hate to hear I think that, given as bad as I was last night. But I came here to cease being a burden to everyone.
I'm so damned tired of falling apart as soon as things get weird. There've been a number of little things, recently, which I can tell have contributed to the breakdown. But it's largely a matter of the stress of living arrangements. And the fact of a sense of lost direction, post graduation. In the midst of the scramble to get work and to get finances in order.
So many people live with so much worse. Why do I crumble so easily? Eh.
Any which. Apparently, I'm turning my Facebook into a Livejournal these days...using custom lists, of course, for the more...graphic?...melodramatic?...upsetting?....distraught?...postings.
But it helps just getting the nods of encouragement, if nothing else. From people who care.
I think, more than anything...it really just helps to be reminded that people do care.
In lieu of hugs, they send me words of affectionate encouragement.
And it helps.
I still feel a bit like crying, but I don't like crying.
It makes me feel so weak.
Any which...I need sleep. Like for reals.
Many hugs.
Well, more aptly said, I lost it on Thursday and then just completely fell apart last night.
Think I maybe punched a wall, Thursday night. One of my knuckles is completely fucked. Well...not completely. I can still move it...but it's bruised badly enough that I do have to wonder if I fractured the carpal. Wouldn't wonder of it if the bruising weren't so deep and...for the pain it caused my entire hand when I forgot myself and clapped for a moment, last night. I did it right, though. Just got the one, really badly...the ring finger bit. So I can still use my hand, so long as I'm careful and don't try to grasp anything with that end of it.
Got all frustrated, I remember. Thought about how I'd never truly punched a wall, but that I know people who have. The people I'd been hanging out with had abandoned me downstairs, and left to my own devices under such circumstances as were the whole...never quite good.
Eh.
Was definitely a sign I'm completely on edge, though--it's the only time I truly intentionally do things which will be to any extent hurtful.
Should've kept that in mind last night, perhaps. But...no.
I'd let my ex borrow my camera+its accoutrements. $700's worth of stuff. To take photos Friday and Saturday of a friend's wedding and the preceding family reception. It freaked me out, Friday night, that he'd taken the liberty of removing one of the lens filter cases from the bag--put two of the four =on= the camera, the rest weren't with the camera. I asked him about it...reaffirming the need that it be taken utmost care of. He passed it off as 'in his car, fine where it was.' Still unsettled me.
Came home at 3am last night--he wasn't here, neither was my camera. I called. No answer. I called again. No answer. I became completely frantic, going so far as to continue to call for the next many minutes--could tell he intentionally sent the call to voicemail a number of times. Most times, until the minutes really began to pass. The more he avoided me, the more it freaked me out. I finally texted that I wanted my camera back -now-. He wrote that he'd been kicked out of his frat. I continued to call.
And call.
And call.
Left a voicemail that he call immediately.
No reply.
No further text.
Nothing.
I went on facebook and wrote frantic messages--one on a girl's page (apparently, she's his girlfriend--I know this, now) I know he'd been staying with, to the effect of thinking he might be with her...I want my camera...can't deal with this anymore, having to share a bed because he just doesn't want to deal with his stepmom, given that his dad offered him a place to stay as soon as we broke up (four months ago). That he's out, anywhich, and should start living with her.
Wrote a couple on my own page, and on his (lattermost he apparently got to a computer to remove, before I made it back online from a jaunt about, for about half an hour)...about how he'd apparently stolen my camera, unless I get notice otherwise, immediately.
No response.
So I kept calling.
And left the house, completely devastated and heartsick and just beside myself with general panic. Took some stuff with me which I shouldn't have. With intentions I shouldn't have had. And proceeded to drive to the mountain overlook where I'd been going some nights to listen to music, as to not have to be here, at 'home.'
Sobbing in despair and shock.
Couldn't think of anyone to call who might've been awake. 3:30am at this point, after all.
No one around here ever answers my calls, any way. Or, at least, only 1/10 the time. And my friends elsewhere have all gotten into lives which have them in bed around midnight. Or, heck, maybe earlier.
I don't even know.
I just couldn't think of anyone to call who might answer. It was bad enough that I'd been doing so to ex, to no reply...I couldn't stomach the thought of having everyone else ignore the call, too. Or miss it, even.
So I called dude.
He didn't answer, but at least it wasn't a surprise. I'd never called him, so didn't expect an answer. I'd just hoped.
Sat contemplating what..or how...or why to do...and considering even going to my father's house. With a great deal of further sorrow, did I contemplate that.
Gave up on the idea.
Started considering how to take the next step toward what I'd driven there for. And got return phone call from dude.
I still am sad that he's the only one I could come up with, to call. everyone else just has so much going on and it was intolerable to consider disturbing
Which...in retrospect...I know there are a number of people who would maybe hate to hear I think that, given as bad as I was last night. But I came here to cease being a burden to everyone.
I'm so damned tired of falling apart as soon as things get weird. There've been a number of little things, recently, which I can tell have contributed to the breakdown. But it's largely a matter of the stress of living arrangements. And the fact of a sense of lost direction, post graduation. In the midst of the scramble to get work and to get finances in order.
So many people live with so much worse. Why do I crumble so easily? Eh.
Any which. Apparently, I'm turning my Facebook into a Livejournal these days...using custom lists, of course, for the more...graphic?...melodramatic?...upsetting?....distraught?...postings.
But it helps just getting the nods of encouragement, if nothing else. From people who care.
I think, more than anything...it really just helps to be reminded that people do care.
In lieu of hugs, they send me words of affectionate encouragement.
And it helps.
I still feel a bit like crying, but I don't like crying.
It makes me feel so weak.
Any which...I need sleep. Like for reals.
Many hugs.