Why I really dislike American Apparel
American Apparel is a clothing company that, like Abercrombie & Fitch, depends more on advertising than clothes that people will actually wear if they weigh more than 85 pounds and aren't doped up.
Except AA is 10 times worse than A&F, and here is a list of reasons why:
1. Their modeling looks like child pornography. I don't mean the, "She told me she was 18!" kind where the woman is fully developed and is just 6 months away from legality; I mean scared little girl kind of child pornography that looks like it was shot in the back of a van. Observe:
That girl isn't happy. She is wondering why Uncle Johnny smells like lighter fluid and keeps calling her darlin'.
2. The few models that are hopefully of age don't wear bras, ever. This doesn't make me think "oooh sexy," it makes me think, "This company only makes clothes for girls with small titties." Observe:
Someone should tell the president of the itty-bitty-titty-committee that her shirt is mesh. And ugly. And that Uncle Johnny really likes it.
3. In AA land, you only wear one (1) article of clothing at a time, be it pants:
A shirt:
Or socks:
This tactic has been used before, especially by A&F. However, A&F models are usually muscular and moderately attractive. These look like they grabbed the receptionist and asked her to strip down to nothing but her socks.
4. They think lamé is an acceptable fabric. Lamé never has been and never will be an acceptable fabric for clothing because it is a) spelled like lame, but with an accent mark, and b) way too fucking shiny. And they don't have 1 or 2 lamé things. They have a lot of lame (missing accent intentional) clothing. Observe:
5. The warning that comes with most of their swimsuits is "Exposure to salt water and chlorine not recommended." But I guess bathtubs are OK. This one ALSO features more lamé. Observe:
You know what, on second thought, please do not go into the water in that... thing. Eat a Snickers bar instead. And put some clothes on.
6. High-waisted hot shorts. In other words, these shorts have more fabric above your navel than below it. Observe:
Oh yeah, that's a good look. I'll just walk around with my butt sticking out all of the time and my belly sucked in. With no shirt. After my liposuction and tummy tuck.
7. They sell clothes for babies on the same site-- sometimes on the same page, depending on your previous searches-- as they sell books written about pornography reviews. Observe.
Books:
Babies:
Can you imagine getting ready for a baby shower and your browsing and you stumble upon Skinema? Or your showing some clothes to your son and asking if he likes the terri cloth pants when BAM in pops a lamé bra and you have to explain ugly fashion and the birds and the bees to a four year old.
8. Some of their most highly-customer-reviewed items come in colors such as "shiny peach" and "magenta." I have personal attachments to the word "peach," since that is what my grandmother called a little girl's private areas, as in, "Chandra, when you're in the tub, make sure to wash your peach!" I imagine I had a very shiny peach, and most of the men who browse the AA catalog hope for shiny peaches as well. And then, there is always magenta. Observe:
9. Oh, the men don't get off easy just because the women are tortured. Oh no no no. Below is a picture of my dad from 1982, about three years before I was born. He had already worked in cranberry bogs and oyster fields by this point in the day and was ready to collect moss off of trees and sell it by the pound to local nurseries. Oh wait, that's not my dad. That weary, old, greasy looking guy couldn't possibly be my dad because my dad never wore a color combination called "Rainbow-Silver." Sorry, dad.
Real men wear pink. Aliens wear rainbow-silver.
10. Purple sunglasses are not attractive on anyone, male or female, over the age of about 4. Even then, if my youngest niece walked up to me with light purple, square framed sunglasses and said, "Aunt Chandra, will you watch me play in the backyard," I would tell her she would never get a pony, Santa Claus wasn't real, and I'd rather bite off my own clitoris than play with her. OK, maybe not. Only if she wore these sunglasses:
And my favorite piece, one more time:
You'd look pissed off, too, if you had to wear that.