First swim during a pandemic...

[channelswim]

I haven't swim in almost 6 months. First it was due to the 'stay at home' orders and then it was the 'millions of reasons' my mind comes up with to not practice self-care.

• I can't find my swim stuff
• I have to work
• I can't leave work at lunch because...
• I can't leave at 5:00 because...
• I waited too late to go
• I don't know what shape I am in
• I don't know if I can fit the suit I can find.
• I have to pick up the dogs
• I am too tired
• There is a storm coming in
• I can't get a reservation.
• .. the other reasons that add up to one million plus.

So today I kept drowning out the reasons.  I asked my customer boss if I could bail and was suprised to hear 'of course'.  I was able to book a reservation at the Y.  I stil waited until 5:00 because you know, me.  I grabbed the old suit, old cap and new googles that I had found and got in the car.  I was not willing to let my anxiety or 'reasons' get in my way.  I got to the Y and grabbed a towel that has been waiting for me for months in the front seat with my mask and checked in and got dressed.  My suit fit (bonus).  I did the best to drown out the 'reasons' that continued to bombard my head by singing loudly between in my head.  Like a kid with their fingers in their ears singing 'la, la, la, la...'  But thankfully I have better taste in music so it was Cher today.

'I have to walk alone'

But there's a time to dance
Time to laugh
Time to cry
Time to go
Time to grieve
Time to come

Oh, I still got time to cope
Time to hope
Time to play
Time to grow
But for now I gotta walk alone
I gotta walk alone

There was only 1 person per lane today, it helped calm me down to know I would be in my own lane today.  Two people just feels unsafe right now.  I grabbed the last one, it has the stairs.  Not a popular lane but for me it would do.  I started to swim and everything felt out of sync.  My back was sore, my shoulders were tight, my head was loud and it felt awkward but I continued to add laps and my body started to relax, my shoulders stopped being so tight, my back felt better , my brain quieted down.  I had 45 minutes and didn't want to waste one so I kept up the lane and back down the lane.  Long even strokes at a slow pace but feeling stronger and better as the seconds became minutes ticked by.  The water healing my brain, my body with every lap.

Slowly starting to sew the pieces of my soul together in a patchwork quilt made with love from the water.  The music in my head changed as I swam, all Cher today, but not stuck on one song.  I finally had to get out to pick up the dogs but everything had calmed down and I was ready to do it again maybe tomorrow in the ocean and Monday in the pool.

I will practive the self-care I ask others to practice.

The rest of my Cher playlist in my head, 'Sirens' and 'Favorite Scars.'
Last night I dreamt I was floating with you
The river was so deep and the sky perfect blue
If we leave behind the dust in the sky
From the sound of Sirens the city will rise
Hold your hand in mine, we will swim against the tide
From the sound of Sirens love will survive

Climbing
Risk it all if you ain't living you're surviving
Tell me why you tip your toes when you could dive in

If you want to listen to the music that was in to my head:

• Cher I walk alone  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EDDsCGo1hg
• Cher Sirens  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vAvtNax6Bs
• Cher Favorite Scars https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDN3hycczl4