[Private: postdated to some time after she went into the Doll's house]
I keep dreaming that I'm an animal. I woke up this morning and I couldn't remember who I was. That scares me.
I remember what Robin told me about staying an animal for too long. At the time it didn't seem so bad. It seemed... It seemed like maybe I would be better off, that way.
And then I started thinking about it, really thinking about it here. What was it that I wanted? The simplicity? I would rather be an animal than face a world without control being administered through me by judges whose motives I'd never stopped to question?
That is unacceptable. A worse than lateral move. From tool to pet. Just who do I think I am? What do I think I'm capable of? Better than that. I'm here now, aren't I? Trying to help this woman, and the Doctor, even if he doesn't want me to.
It's ironic. He's too used to being alone. I'm unused to being anything but surrounded. Cared for, directed. I've never had to make decisions on my own. I've lived since childhood knowing what I was and what I would become. And I think that is, perhaps, why I've not left the basement of the Conrad.
I can't keep waiting for purpose to find me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how. I don't know anything.
I think that's a good place to start.
I remember what Robin told me about staying an animal for too long. At the time it didn't seem so bad. It seemed... It seemed like maybe I would be better off, that way.
And then I started thinking about it, really thinking about it here. What was it that I wanted? The simplicity? I would rather be an animal than face a world without control being administered through me by judges whose motives I'd never stopped to question?
That is unacceptable. A worse than lateral move. From tool to pet. Just who do I think I am? What do I think I'm capable of? Better than that. I'm here now, aren't I? Trying to help this woman, and the Doctor, even if he doesn't want me to.
It's ironic. He's too used to being alone. I'm unused to being anything but surrounded. Cared for, directed. I've never had to make decisions on my own. I've lived since childhood knowing what I was and what I would become. And I think that is, perhaps, why I've not left the basement of the Conrad.
I can't keep waiting for purpose to find me. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how. I don't know anything.
I think that's a good place to start.