this thorn in my side is from the tree I planted, it tears me and I bleed
*rolls up my sleeves*
First of all the subject to this post are lyrics from Metallica. Lyrics that I have long felt hit me very hard and extremely accurately.
I took the time to read some of the more recent posts that you, my friends have taken the time to type out and all of that text...it stirred up something inside. Depression was one of the topics I can certainly relate to, especially putting on a smile while stifling a tear. I am the kind of person that most of the time will review a conversation whether minutes, months or years ago and think I should have said....or I forgot to say....and I am positive that there have been many things I meant to say to yes you who read this now.
I 'd love to know why but sadly the answer escapes me to this day. However back to depression if I may. Right at this moment I have a lot on my mind like job hunting, not a big deal right? Perhaps except there are long gaps inbetween some of the jobs that I have held in the past. That coupled with the fact that I don't have a license...yet also I am not sure how long my leash will be but I have a certain amount of time to find gainful new employment or I lose the roof over my head oh yeah 1 more for this grammatically incorrect run on sentence ( I believe thats what i wanted to type) the ever losing battle to quit smoking and my room flooding twice in 3 days about 2 weeks ago.. Recently and very unexpectedly I also happened to accidentally break our dryer, thats right broke it. How you ask? There were towels and things on top of the dryer and I was in a rush so for the first time ever that i've put something in the dryer I forgot to make sure that the door was all the way closed and not closed on anything and it over heated or over strained itself or both...and broke so now I get to feel like an asshole every time myself or someone else goes to the laundromat just to dry our clothes.
There have been a few times and a few different people, one of which whom may read this post who have commented on my outward serenity and laid back, rock like attributes and I have a confession to make.
Its all a sham and I have no idea how i've been able to retain it all of these years. Inside especially when under stress my mind is a whirlwind of best case, worst case scenarios, what I said, did, should have done and need to do, people i've hurt or may have hurt recently and those that have hurt me, things I have put off and people that by my actions or simply lack of action may have been put off, in short i'm really just a mess. Who knows? perhaps thats why i can pull off the calm and collected thing so often...
Please do not misunderstand I realize and accept full responsibility for the decisions that I have made that have put me on this path I travel now and I do not write this with the hopes of sympathy or apathy from those who read it, my goal here is simply to inform.
Some people dig themselves into "a hole" some days I fear I have dug myself an early grave. The one ray of sunshine recently was when the computer, the tower I purchased and everything else from upstairs made its way downstairs into my room! Finally freedom and privacy while on the computer!
In closing, please know all who read this hold a special place in my heart, simply for taking the time to do so and I wish you all the best of luck in all of your endeavors.
First of all the subject to this post are lyrics from Metallica. Lyrics that I have long felt hit me very hard and extremely accurately.
I took the time to read some of the more recent posts that you, my friends have taken the time to type out and all of that text...it stirred up something inside. Depression was one of the topics I can certainly relate to, especially putting on a smile while stifling a tear. I am the kind of person that most of the time will review a conversation whether minutes, months or years ago and think I should have said....or I forgot to say....and I am positive that there have been many things I meant to say to yes you who read this now.
I 'd love to know why but sadly the answer escapes me to this day. However back to depression if I may. Right at this moment I have a lot on my mind like job hunting, not a big deal right? Perhaps except there are long gaps inbetween some of the jobs that I have held in the past. That coupled with the fact that I don't have a license...yet also I am not sure how long my leash will be but I have a certain amount of time to find gainful new employment or I lose the roof over my head oh yeah 1 more for this grammatically incorrect run on sentence ( I believe thats what i wanted to type) the ever losing battle to quit smoking and my room flooding twice in 3 days about 2 weeks ago.. Recently and very unexpectedly I also happened to accidentally break our dryer, thats right broke it. How you ask? There were towels and things on top of the dryer and I was in a rush so for the first time ever that i've put something in the dryer I forgot to make sure that the door was all the way closed and not closed on anything and it over heated or over strained itself or both...and broke so now I get to feel like an asshole every time myself or someone else goes to the laundromat just to dry our clothes.
There have been a few times and a few different people, one of which whom may read this post who have commented on my outward serenity and laid back, rock like attributes and I have a confession to make.
Its all a sham and I have no idea how i've been able to retain it all of these years. Inside especially when under stress my mind is a whirlwind of best case, worst case scenarios, what I said, did, should have done and need to do, people i've hurt or may have hurt recently and those that have hurt me, things I have put off and people that by my actions or simply lack of action may have been put off, in short i'm really just a mess. Who knows? perhaps thats why i can pull off the calm and collected thing so often...
Please do not misunderstand I realize and accept full responsibility for the decisions that I have made that have put me on this path I travel now and I do not write this with the hopes of sympathy or apathy from those who read it, my goal here is simply to inform.
Some people dig themselves into "a hole" some days I fear I have dug myself an early grave. The one ray of sunshine recently was when the computer, the tower I purchased and everything else from upstairs made its way downstairs into my room! Finally freedom and privacy while on the computer!
In closing, please know all who read this hold a special place in my heart, simply for taking the time to do so and I wish you all the best of luck in all of your endeavors.