It makes me sick to my stomach.

[changedirection]

I don't know how it happens, or why i continue to put myself in this place.
The night was so awkward that i drank myself silly.
And I regret it, but I almost regret going even more.
A normal group of friends would shrug it off,
hell, a normal group of friends wouldn't necessitate a drunken stupor to enjoy one's self.
I really don't know what to do anymore.
I wish i could find a new group of friends to escape the constant put downs.
I wish I could say everything I knew and tell everyone upfront with complete honesty
but instead it's this huge vicious cycle
I don't even know how to put it into words anymore.

I could say I don't care, but I do. I really care
I care that I can't trust the people around me to not gang up on me or not talk about me behind my back.
I care that my closest girl friend and I have a barrier where we don't trust each other and can't be upfront with one another.
I care that we all pull each other apart at the limbs in order for personal gain.
I care because this is not who I want to be.
And yet every time I find myself around this group of friends, I once more become the person I don't like.

I really need to meet new people. Because the knot in my stomach shows that i care too much.