Soldier Gone Astray....
This whole entry is dedicated to someone I miss very much. I hope you all read this because he deserves it.
Yesterday morning, around 3 o clock I got woken up to the phone ringing constantly...I got angry and picked up the phone to listen in...my uncle Michael was on the other line with my mom and he said *so you already know* mom said *yea Michael, I know* I hung up the phone and walked out into the living room, when I saw that Dan wasn't there on the couch... I figured it out. Dan had commited suicide...
It was fucking the biggest shock I ever dealt with in my life... I couldn't and still don't believe it. It felt like a nightmare, a vivid nightmare. I asked mom what was going on and she told me danny died. The phone was still ringing off the hook and I was getting angry and I was confused, *What the fuck!?, no fucking way Dan would do that!* I broke down in my room, which I ran str8 back too. So many questions running through my mind... It's strange how death just makes you think of more death...how it hurts you so much that your still alive and have to deal with the absense of that person. It was all hypothetical questions..what if it happened to mom, what if I could have done something, what if I would've talked to him... I know theres nothing I could have done...but god do I miss him.
I half expect him to be sitting there on the couch watching t.v. and asking if he can use the phone.. I remember I got so annoyed with him that I would think god get our own phone... I feel so stupid for feeling like that, like a selfish brat.
I remember him walking into my room and asking me *where do you smoke your cigs?* *Most of the time in here when moms asleep* I said. So he goes *alrighty then* and light one up and pass one to me. He'd start talking about the army and how I should join the Air Force. He went on for 2 hours about how much he loved the Army and all the positive attributes and benifits of it. I remember he would always tell me...after 20 years stephen you can retire with a full pension. He was 6 years away from a full pension...they were going to send him to Iraq till they found out the Army had made him Bi polar. I want to blame the Army for this but he seemed to love it so much. You know how they say on movies if I could just talk to him one more time...that's true. I would love for Dan to walk into my room, lite a cigarette, pass me one, and talk for 2 more hours about the army...he told me I had amazing potential and he wanted me to use it as best I could. He was one of my only family members who believed I was mature enough to make my own descions...he would even keep secrets from my mom about me sneaking out. I miss him...a lot, a whole fucking lot. 14 years in the army..and he fuckin goes out like this.
I remember the night before he killed himself he asked *hey what do you think about that blanket?* I was borrowing his blanket and I was like *it's wicked warm, do you want it back* he's like *nope, don't need it.* I didn't understand why he said that till now...mom said that was prolly Dan's way of giving it to me...and his gamecube because he knew I was a game freak. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him...
Where ever he is..I hope he's happy.
I love you Dan
Bye
Yesterday morning, around 3 o clock I got woken up to the phone ringing constantly...I got angry and picked up the phone to listen in...my uncle Michael was on the other line with my mom and he said *so you already know* mom said *yea Michael, I know* I hung up the phone and walked out into the living room, when I saw that Dan wasn't there on the couch... I figured it out. Dan had commited suicide...
It was fucking the biggest shock I ever dealt with in my life... I couldn't and still don't believe it. It felt like a nightmare, a vivid nightmare. I asked mom what was going on and she told me danny died. The phone was still ringing off the hook and I was getting angry and I was confused, *What the fuck!?, no fucking way Dan would do that!* I broke down in my room, which I ran str8 back too. So many questions running through my mind... It's strange how death just makes you think of more death...how it hurts you so much that your still alive and have to deal with the absense of that person. It was all hypothetical questions..what if it happened to mom, what if I could have done something, what if I would've talked to him... I know theres nothing I could have done...but god do I miss him.
I half expect him to be sitting there on the couch watching t.v. and asking if he can use the phone.. I remember I got so annoyed with him that I would think god get our own phone... I feel so stupid for feeling like that, like a selfish brat.
I remember him walking into my room and asking me *where do you smoke your cigs?* *Most of the time in here when moms asleep* I said. So he goes *alrighty then* and light one up and pass one to me. He'd start talking about the army and how I should join the Air Force. He went on for 2 hours about how much he loved the Army and all the positive attributes and benifits of it. I remember he would always tell me...after 20 years stephen you can retire with a full pension. He was 6 years away from a full pension...they were going to send him to Iraq till they found out the Army had made him Bi polar. I want to blame the Army for this but he seemed to love it so much. You know how they say on movies if I could just talk to him one more time...that's true. I would love for Dan to walk into my room, lite a cigarette, pass me one, and talk for 2 more hours about the army...he told me I had amazing potential and he wanted me to use it as best I could. He was one of my only family members who believed I was mature enough to make my own descions...he would even keep secrets from my mom about me sneaking out. I miss him...a lot, a whole fucking lot. 14 years in the army..and he fuckin goes out like this.
I remember the night before he killed himself he asked *hey what do you think about that blanket?* I was borrowing his blanket and I was like *it's wicked warm, do you want it back* he's like *nope, don't need it.* I didn't understand why he said that till now...mom said that was prolly Dan's way of giving it to me...and his gamecube because he knew I was a game freak. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him, I miss him...
Where ever he is..I hope he's happy.
I love you Dan
Bye